Just looking for some feedback, good bad indifferent

[jazjme]

OK well Ive been around for awhile , there are members on this board, and pretty much every GNR board, I know some better than others, and some who know me on a more personal level.

Anyway, Im posting a excerpt of a novel Im witting, and please disregard typos if you see some, I have someone who is helpin me and doin the  edit, Im just writting .

So just wondering if this, if you are willing to read makes you laugh, cry, fell indifferent.

Thanks in advance.

jazjme


INTERNET FLASHBACK! NO ITS NOT LIVE , its MEMOREX!

9/27/2006  10:17:17 PM  jan?  jazjme  yes
9/27/2006  10:17:33 PM  jan?  jazjme  I don?t think they really... I don?t think I really knew the fuckin? hurt I felt, I musta went into shock. Cause to this day I never under stood what happened. [this is not clear to me. With the party?, what?] that part then. Don't feel the line needs more explanation?
9/27/2006  10:19:02 PM  jan?  jazjme  "Their house was across the street and [later I realised it] must?ve been a welfare kinda house." - that aprt I feel need something since you already said they were welfare peopel
9/27/2006  10:22:16 PM  jazjme  jan?  "Their house was across the street and later in life lookin back I realsized what a welfare kinda house was, and yup, that was one , for yrs after , always inhabited by differnt people that would come and goWas never like all the other houses on the street, whre families live for yrs and many to this day."
9/27/2006  10:22:38 PM  jan?  jazjme  great
9/27/2006  10:23:52 PM  jan?  jazjme  This is good for now. But I'll continue like this. I'll make those brackets but a little less of them. 
9/27/2006  10:24:30 PM  jazjme  jan?  no thats good, cause sometimes I miis what Im saying, while Im trying to just wreite. 
9/27/2006  10:27:22 PM  jan?  jazjme  yeah, that's cool... well, are you going to change a lot of the things that are from the old txt I sent you now? Or working on new things only?
9/27/2006  10:29:16 PM  jazjme  jan?  Im trying to write new now. Ill send you this much. 
9/27/2006  10:29:29 PM  jazjme  jan?  ANd want to continue working from the top to bottom, as we go along.

WOW, damn, I think I completely left things out. I guess I have . And yeah , well this all ties together, in the end. Did you think I was gonna jsut go a dramatic now? WEll not yet, hold on, things get bumpy!


FLASHES OF REMOTE ISOLATED PASTS


............. this feels strange, kinda murky, as if Im swimming in a pool where the surface is not a way out, but a trap.

Im swimming to the top, but yet I can breathe, I fell trapped under a unexplainable layer of guilts. BUT how am I guilty for being a child? do the rules apply.Was I destined to be feeling this? Was I destined to talk about it?

  Well only thing I can say today, is yes I need to talk about these things, I need to expell something that may have led me to telling the world my story.

OH but , its up to you to take it as fact or fiction! ( Its only a story, could happen to anyone)


A New yrs Eve Party


 I , was 11 yrs old, my cousin Anthony was at my home, he was 16 . IT was as always a great NYE party, Full of friends and family,

There was poker being played down in the basement, mind you it was just penny poker, lol, not like high stakes, and we had a pool table(billards) to others.  NOt like anything differetn than what I come accustum too over those in hindsight , short yrs of life.


    ( 9 yrs old, my sister and I play a game, we hide and run back and forth from my bedroom, to hers)

PARents tell us to stop.


  ( we keep playing, Im 10 yrs old shes 7).


We love each other. I say lets play doctor. ANd we do, but I think a doctor doesnt try to lick someomes tit!

BUt from that night, I knew I felt really bad, and ashamed, cause truth is I love my sister, and my family, and they love me back. For somereason, people animalize, or condemn or rather not even talk about the past, then you have others, who want to,

blame there socialogical problems , on incidents that happened, as children. REgression theapy I think they call it!/

BUt nah it doesnt really fit in that neat box, and if there are issues, they need to be talked about.


Back to my cousin, NYE, he took me into my bedroom, and wanted to play agame, he had me take my dick out, and told me if I play with it , it will do something, so there you have it I had my first, jacking off expierience, with my cousin.

BUt I didnt think of it at all as fun, for I was taught all of that was nasty, and evil. I felt really uncomfortable.

I told my mom and dad about it, 20 yrs later.






 

[jazjme]

CHRIS and JOE II

Wow!

Anyway, back to the story, well isnt this a story.



A warning, never NEVER EVER, get thrown under a bed or in a closet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(lol)


So yeah Chris and I were all about sonically great sounding music, and all that!

WE had some awesome times, , wel probably more than I can remember, go figure.

I used to clock how fast I could ride my bike to his house, from mine, and I found all sorts of short cuts, and stuff, I could ride a bike faster than, if I was driven over in a car.

that trip was like 12 mins. I was able to ride my bike in  4 mins!. Powerride, and shortcuts! IT was such a rush trying to break my record, on how fast I could peddle through the woods, and through dead ends, to trails that , got me to his condo complex.


 well anyway, we were hangng out, and our parents banned us from hangng out cause well we cost them money, we did these collect calls pranks, and shit, and we kept accepting on both ends....opps, !

IN a way it was rather funny, he got me good !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lol

One time he sent to my house 100 pizzas!!!!!!!!!!!!, I go to the door to answer it, and I'm on the phone with him and I answer the door. And stating there, is a pizza delivery guy, saying I ordered 100 pies of pizza. Well I argued with the guy and said no I didnt, you have the wrong house. And eventually I just closed the door

only to hear the roar of laughter on the other end of the phone, and I was like you bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.LOL

yES HE WAS THE ONE WHO SENT THE PIzzA GUYS TO MY HOUSE!!!!

  So yeah another ammusing story, how I was tortured..by my very best friend he asked his mom if I could stay over, and she was kinda pisssed at him at the time, for not doin so good in a few classes at school. So, she said NO.

But we werent having that, so we devised aplan , to sneek me in the house after she went to sleep!

Sounded good on paper, but oh no, was one of the most uncomfortable things I ever expierienced, and I think funniest stupid act ever. So I was to go home (supposedly at 10pm. But instead, Chris got the keys to his moms car, and had me lie low, in the car, while he waited for his mom to go to sleep.

OK, 20 mins go by, 30 mins, 1hr, 2hrs............. 3 Hrs later, he comes back to the car.

Mind you this was a covert operation, and I guess I played the roll pretty damn good, cause I hid crouched down, in this damn Subaru for 3 hrs!!

So ok, he tells me ok be quiet, we have to go back in , shes gone to bed. Im llike finally my fuckng back hurts, from sitting , and hidding.

We literally, have to tip toe up the stiars, (cause his bedroom was on the right and hers on the left), and we had to avoid the creaky parts of the stairs.
 
 Oh another thing of note, I at the time weighed about  145 lbs,at 5'7. Chris was about 230 at 6ft.So we were totally differnt in everything, but we were best friends.


Anyway, I had to try to follow his steps literally up the stairs, so when he was about to lift is foot I placed mine. took like 3 mins to clime all of 15 stairs.

So we get to his room, its close to 2am, and we hang out listen to a bit of music for awhile, but since its so late,I was tired as hell from being stuck in a fucking Subaru all night, and I just wanted to sleep.

So I sleep on the floor. Next to his bed. near the stero.

not even 2 hrs laer his mom is up rady to go to work, musta been like 6am. hes like "oh shit, my moms up". I as like yeah so?

"get under the bed!!!".....huh!

So get under the bed, and try to crawl as far unnder as I can cause well his weight pushed the matresses down a bit, so I really couldnt get quite totally under the bed, so he pushed off some beding to cover me.

She comes in the room, and walks around, and here I am thinking oh god, !!!!! Please dont see me !

I see her feet walkin , as she is telling Chris what he needs to do after school for the day and stuff. And here I am just holding my damn breathe.

she announces she is gonna take a shower, and get ready for work. Hes klike ok mom.

So she goes and leaves the room.

I crawl back from under the bed, and say wtf, am I supposed to do!.

Dude she is gonna find out, I should just leave now!. And hes like no, she'll hear you goin down the stairs? And Im like ummmmmmmmmmmmmm, so what do I do.

He said here go in the closet.!

And at the time seemed like a good idea. BUt his damn closet was full of so much shit!. Literally boardgames cloths hanging cloths, and all sorts of stuff!.

I tried my best to squeeze in and close the door, and try to hold a good position where I wouldnt make noise.

Well hell of all hell!!!!!, the bathroom was directly behind the closet, in Chris's bedroom, whre she was taking a shower.

and things started shifted, under me, (all the damn board bames and crap), and I was desperatly trying to keep my balance!

THen the unimaginable happened. .............................................


IT all fell under me!!!!!!

Next thing I hear is the water stop behind me in the bathroom,And farantic paces, and her voice from the hall just a sec around the bedroom door!"CHRIS!, what is that!!!! And him saying , I dunno I dont think its anything.

And me hidng in that damn closet, trying to use wathever clothingto hide myself.Next thing I know, the door is opening!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Oh god how humilat4ed I feel, and at the same time stupid. and at first Ms. LAnza didnt reconigze me, till CHris started laughing his ass off from his bed.lol

And I jsut was so embarraseed!

BUt Chris laughing, almost brought me to ful blown laughter also, but I really did my best to surpress it. And she told me, Joe, I think you should go home now. And I said yeah Im orry, I need to go. All the while Chris is hysterical laughing in bed, and on my bike ride home, I was pissed off but I laughed, also.

She invited me for dinner the next night, and made us our favorite, burgers!. And we sat and chatted , and recounting it all to her, she got a good laugh.

[jazjme]

THE PORNO STORE EXPIERINCE

 So any other day, we would ride bikes all over Long Island, we were 14 after all not like we could drive a car, but oh just wait, there is that too a bit later, the corona expierience!


 We decided to invade the Doll House, and its attached porno shop. BOth him and I were madly in "lust" for this one chick Barbara Gelish. That we went to HS with, as if she would even care. BUt hands down she was the hottest one in school, no doubt.

Why do I even mention that? Hmm perhaps cause I thoguht I felt I should!

Its not like I am oppsed to the opisite sex, cause far from it, ...............


 So I guess you all reading will think this is gay, well in ways it is , in ways it not, why are people afaid of words!

now that was so off topic.

Anyway, it was a game, to try to go into this place, and in hindsight, we probably coulda just walkd in , but we were dumb early teens, making a joke of doin this , so we run in and hide........ 





NOw back ...........................




 BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jazjme]

THe begining.................................

THE JOE  FILES


I was hanging out - god I don't even remember when it was (all the time); oh yeah, ok: this is my first entry to this

journey, tale, palce , who the fuck knows? lol, Whatever...

OK, SO yeah, I thought I was gonna be some sorta rock god, musical genious, only to find - WELL I still can be. But at the

moment I just wanna tell a story - the music will come [later?].

Depressing isnt it, 35 yrs old and I am no better than a 16 yr old workin at Wendy's; hey, wait a min, I was a 16 year old

that worked at Wendy's... Jesus christ, LOL... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

So yeah this is goin to be a journey. Get off the bus now if incredibly stupid things and repeat offenses bother you, and

also if you have no tolerance for... hmmmmmm, ok I seem to have forgotten what else... Oh YEAH... wooohoo, I remember... If

you are just a sheltered dickhead, with a point of nothing claiming to know it all.

OK, I think I can begin now,

So where do I start, ? At the hand ball court in 9th grade , I wanted to try a new thing,....

 drugs!!!!!!! wELL IN HINDSIGHT i WISH i HAD TAKEN A FEW MORE OR KNEW WHERE TO GET WHAT i TOOK THEN.!!!!!!!!lol!







I had a really hard time as a kid. I grew up on 41 Gettysgurg Dr [a small town , well not so small town , on LI , in NYS],

and my best friend was no-one. I didnt have any. Only ME. I had my sister, [BIDALIA], and my fam but early on I had no best

friend. Hell I even had a party and invited a whole bunch of kids in the 4th grade:

NO ONE showed up

But I had my mom and sis. I have very few memories of my father cause he wasn't the one who was there during those times. It

was grandpa that took care of me when I fucked up. Dad didn't know how to talk to me. When I got a lil older, I think I

resented that and my all to optimistic (lie) outlook.

I dont think they really... [let me rephrase...] I dont think I really knew the fuckin hurt I felt, I musta went into shock.

Cause To this day I never under stood what happened.

BUt I do know that from then, I felt the need to buy friends,......not to mention the black kids that moved across the street

, I still remeber Calvin and Deon, I tried my first cig with them, my grandparents wanted to shoot them on site, they were

welfare people, me I liked them cause they talked to me and were my friends(?)

But I didnt have any friends, they were quickly moved from the neigborhood. I will never forget my grand father when Calvin

came to my window, "get the FUck outta here NIgga".

That made me mad, mind you I loved my grandpa,and when I saw him the last day he was alive later in my life , and cut the

grass for him and talked to him , I had no idea that later that night, I would find out that he died of an anurism. I was

crushed..heart broken.

BUt back to where I was............ I think I was always afraid , of being accepted, took me so long to accept that I was

gay, even though I came out at 18, but truth was I knew when I was 13. But life seems to dictate me ..did dictate me, then I

no longer wanted to be dictated to.

THen something funny happened, in high school. Aah Ill save that for a lil later,

Back to Calvin and Deon, .......so here I was like 10 yrs old and I finally had friends, now lookin back and remebering that

where they lived ,they basically lived in shit, across the street, musta been a welfare kinfda house. I liked hanging out

with them, they made me laugh, I knew that things were wrong as far as smokin , and stuff, but I was desparate for people to

hang out with me.

So I kinda took on that aspect , and gave a big FUCK YOU early on.....

I only knew them for maybe a few months till one day they didnt live across the street.

And back I was with only Anna, and BILLY, and GREG his bro across the street, ( two sycho kids 4 and 2 yrs younger than me),

with mouths like the sewer, but inside it made me laugh.

So basically I was a fuckin loser, shy kid , who was afraid to talk to others.






THE BEGINING

Ya know when I was growing up the 2 things I loved was music and writing, but I fell into life, and found sometimes it was

music and sometimes it awas writting and alot of times it was  just a big cluster fuck of things that got in the way.

So now every wakin moment is thinkin on the things I want to tell , and the story I want to tell.

Yer, for like the first time in yrs, and I think that all the shit I have been dealin with with my roomate, and work and fam

now has finally gotten me to say , Shit I know what I want to do now!!!!!!. and the more shit thats been goin on and me being

completely honest with people,has just ignited me.

Especially my crack head roomate who has been tried to have me arrested 3 times this week and called my job to try to get me

get fired...lol



CONCERNING ANNA AND THE SEWER TALKIN KIDS ANd the BITHDAY THAT WASNT(But was)


My best friend was this girl ANna , she live like just around the bend on my street. She inspired me, I looked up to her and

when in 4 th grade they asked me what instrument I wanted to play I chose what she played Viola. Seriously thats the only

reason why I did. Turned out I was good, became real good but that

is for later. Seeing at the time it only made me more of a joke and out cast. (But we will see who has the last laugh) Very

famous words I must admit.

SHit I forgot to tell you about the party that wasnt....

I waited all day lookin out my window of my room, which was next to the front dor of the house, my sister mom and Anna was

there. In the basement was bowls of popcorn candy chips and a pin the tail on the donkey game ready to be played. THey were

played btw.

But none of the 20 some odd people that were invited , who said they were gonna come did. It was not as someone might expect.

I actually had a great time.

My mother always made me forget the bad times by doin things for me to make me feel good, we played that pin the tail on the

donkey(me and mom and anna and my sis)..ate the popcorn, and chips, and I opened presents.


 I went to school that next day, with my head up high, cause in my mind and in my heart, I didnt have a problem that no one

showed up. (OR did I)



FUCK YOU!! EAT SHIT, ASSHOLE....those were some of the favorite words that came outa Billy and Gregs mouth , they were the

kids that lived directly across from me. They were younger than me. But so much more

untamed is the word.I dont remember thier mothers name.....oh yer it was Babara, not like that fuckin matters anyway.lol, but

I do remeber, "BILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET THE FUCK IN THE HOUSE AND GET YOUR BROTHER:!

I was taught the bad words from wrong. And I know for damn sure that FUCK was a bad word, but it was so damn common, across

the street.



So here I was this wierd kid who played with younger kids cause , kids my own age , well they liked to chase me , beat me up,

throw rocks at me , oh and even one he took my pet from PETE and threw him in the woods, I cried so damn hard over that damn

frog.

But all wasnt so horrible really, cause I found a great love for all things non violent. For intance, playing music, actually

playing it myself, and

hey well I was  really gettin it, its what made me smile and be happy.  My dad one time took me and this kid who lived around

the corner up to the park and made us fight, he grabed and dragged us, meanwhile John DeFalcos mom was screamin out the

window Im gonna call the cops, to my dad, and we get to the park, and the kid beat the shit outta me, and I fuckin went in

rage after that on my dad.

I think it made me angry, but I know as I am, I usualy buried hurt, and just tried to keep being happy.


THen it was time for SPORTS, oh fuckin great, lol..sometihng I hated more than anything, first of all I never fuckin

understood the rules and what the hell I was supposed to do, (only later did I find a love for football, ) but still, was not

what I wanted growing up.



My mom was a chaporone for a school trip we took to the Bronx Zoo, it ws 6th grade. A few weeks before something happened

that would repeat itself, in many ways later in life. That would be me getting something broken. This instance, I was

rollerskating on my driveway, playing with a stupid ball, it rolled down and I went to go after it and pick it up.

There I went , bent over ,slipped and wack!!!!! Landed on my damn hand, all I heard was CRACK! Mind you now I ws playing

viola for 2 yrs and it was soething that became my passion . NOW I went and fucked it up.

Walked into the door, not crying , no tears, holding my limp wrist, haha limp wrist!! now if that isnt ironic...but thats for

later.lol And simply said uh I think I broke my wrist.Well after examination the doctor said you broke your wrist, no shit I

felt like saying, lol, but it was one of those bad words.

(I am not really sure what ever happened to that ball. BUt Im pretty sure with the blinding pain that shot up my arm and the

intense humilation, even nobody saw, I think I just kicked it into the street with my skate.)

So back to the Bronx, yer there was Billy and Andrew, and SCott, and all these kids who really werent my friends, but since

my mom was there they played nice with me, I didnt care, what pissed me off more was trying to climb the damn spider web

thing with a cast on.

I think I rode an elephant too, , probaly ate popcorn and ya know , one thing I do remember was thinkin, how the hell is this

beautiful place the zoo, here, in the crappy scenery I witnessed lookin out the window of the bus, it truly amazed me.

[jazjme]

  (REFECTION)


 The human expierience, its so great and vast, and there is so much to understand, to learn, to take in, to identify with or

not, where you could at one time only ponder these thoughts to your self. BUT today in the age we live, things can be shared

more freely, and secrets can come out of the closet. After all we only get 1 time to really make a differnce.




     Had I know back them what the trip would cost i mighta asked for an upgrade!lol.  Seriously, damn, was taxing on the

spirit and mind. I had a friend, and games, we were good at, RUBIX CUBE, (I still suck at it) but it was a great game to

play, na Chris and i were more audio and visual. I still dont know how he convinced me to buy DC.LA CROIX, CRACK of DOOM

album(hands down the absoluste worst album I ever heard. to this day I bet you cant find it in a google search.

BUt know that wasnt to be the par for the course.

  NOt a very nice place to be in , HIGH SCHOOL  that is. So manythings happeneing, so many worlds opening, so many

aspirations and posibilites.


 Then again you always have to watch your back, ask questions, like who are you, jock? Nerd?, Cheerleader?, loner?,

GAY....OMG I said that . Dont listen to me.lol

all of these things, are quite extrodinary expierineces in thier own way, I suppose.


I WANNA ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah one of the Que Mode albums Chris and I got was Twisted Sisters album Stay Hungry, damn greatr tunes, I wanna rock, were

not gonna take it, and my favorite, from that, THE PRICE!!


             THE PRICE


Here we were in NEw London CT...................................zipppppppppppppp! HOLY SHIT !


   Learning the groove,and the music!

[jazjme]

(these are just excerpts)

So, all these things are goin on, seems to be the best time I ever had, but as always, when I delve into something, I just

needed more, needed to know it all, my mind wanted to absorb everything, wanted to expierinece, everything, so I found , I

started hanging out with the older, " gifted people". Might have been the first step to my complete FUCK YOU , attitude, and

those I dont remeber the names of, if you ever read this , let me thank you!.lol

But seriously the FUck you started long earlier!


  So yeah, on one of the last days of camp, a few older students, wanted to have fun, (back then the drinking age was 18). So

myself and about 5 of the older students, decided , (now I dont know if that is actually correct, it was more I was wanting

to have fun), and was impressionable,  and I was feeling all this great auror of being so good at something, and I as better

, I actually was then som eof these older students, but we decided to escape off the grounds, through the woods, toa part in

the fence that went back out to the real world, and convienently to a shopping strip, that had a 7-11. Nifty 24 hr ,

convieniece store(which I made many runs to a yr later, but not that particular one). And also a liquor store.So we all

pulled together money, and they got a bottle of bicardi, some soda,cups, and a case of beer. We went back  to the opening in

the fence, and went in a few meters, to a clearing , and  they were all graduating that yr, and I was the freshman hanging

out with them. We drank, and talked about how they couldnt wait to get outta this camp. Kinda wierd, cause inside I thought

it was great. BUt then again they were sent there, by parents with lots of money, I had gotten in for free, by talent. But

hard to decipher these things, at that age, and when your getting drunk for the first time.For some reason it resonates more

now in the clarity, probably why I dont remeber any of thier names. BUt anyway, we used that 45 mins, while there was an

esembly goin on for the jazz band. That is when we snuck off. BUt as it was the end of the season, the last few days were all

about showcasing, all the art performances of all the groups, from that summer session, and I remebered, shit, I gotta go, my

sister, was gonna be in the dance ensemble, and chior thing. They (those I dont remeber thier names, said ahh you could wait,

a few minutes, and i said no I cant, turned and tripped over a damn root of a tree.

 Kinda embarrased but not really, I was feelng the liquor I suppose, I just said no I have to go. And found my way back

through the trail, to the main part of the camp, and to the assembly hall. Kinda like an miniuture outdoor amphitheather, and

the recital had already began. I stayed in the back, an found a chair, and watched, then I saw my sister come out, doin her

solo for Swan Lake, and every time I ever watched any performance of my sister, till this day, I get so full of pride, and

love, and my eyes instinctivly start tearing, from happiness. the next day was the ochestral recital, was pretty damn cool,

played Shubert Symphony in Bflat. And it was amazing as i was playing after all the reherals, and practices, how damn good we

sounded as a group.

    Then there was the last bus ride , after the last day of camp. Efectively endng the breif romance I had with Debbie, but

no I vowed to keep it goin. we talked on the phone, and stuff, and on one last ocassion, I was to be taken to her house by my

dad. Did I ever menion where she lived? She lived in Mastic Shirley. I dunno why thats significant, at least not yet, (later

you will find out).I had ben there before, only a few weeks before, I bought her the soundtrack album for Vision Quest, that

had the tune, "Crazy for You" on it. she was sweet and touched it ws about 1 or 2 weeks befoe we would finaly be goin to HS,

and we hung out at her house, kissed, and stuff, nothing serious, and since the distance and the fact that we were in 2

differnt school districts, it would be better, if we were jsut friends(now how many have heard that, raise your hand!).


So one particular day, my dad tells me we are gonna take a drive, and Im like ok, where are we goin. his reponse is "just

driving". We start driving along Sunrise HWy, east goin towards, well the Mastics and Shirley, and Im getting confused and

all , "um why are we goin this way". And the BOMB DROP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  He tells me about the magazines he found in my room. (ya the ones I thought I so brilliantly hid). Im like what are you

talking about. (cause I had I think 3 gay ones, and 7 or 8 straight ones, kinda hidden). And we keep geting closer and closer

towards the exit that debbie lives off, and panic is setting in me now. He said,"we're goin to her house to tell her about

this". And then Im like NONONONONOONONONONONO~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Please no , dad it was a mistake, chris and I were

stealing magazines, and I didnt know that they had some of those in there, PLEASE NO!!!!!!!!!!

"blurred chatter", no son, of.....mine, dad please, Im sorry, do you want me to tell her, about all this filth, , no dad

please Im sorry, I, its no, (crying). "DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL HER!", NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was an acident, , sobbing now, please dont, Im so sorry.

  He gets off the next exit, and turns the car around.And never before did I feel so more confused and scared ashamed as I

did in those moments. Some how I buried it, and kept it inside me. A week later was my first day of High School.


  Chatting

jazjme says (4:05 AM):
http://www.rollingstone.com/rockdaily/index.php/2006/10/18/exclusive-more-juicy-chinese-democracy-tidbits/
jazjme says (4:05 AM):
you probably seen this already
 
jan just sent you a Nudge!
 
You have just sent a Nudge!
 
jazjme says (5:11 AM):
haha, I was only 7 mis late
jan says (5:11 AM):
cool
jan says (5:11 AM):
and yu were very awake!
jazjme says (5:13 AM):
I woke up fast, like a chatter, in my head sprung me up!.
jan says (5:14 AM):
lol
jan says (5:14 AM):
well, I BETTER get some coffee and other things done
jan says (5:14 AM):
brb
jazjme says (5:14 AM):
ok
jan says (5:20 AM):
b
jan says (5:20 AM):
I got a new christine now!
jazjme says (5:20 AM):
nice
jazjme says (5:21 AM):
I wanna see the new ones
jazjme says (5:21 AM):
I ahvent
jazjme says (5:21 AM):
and I forget what night its on and havent programed the thing to record
jan says (5:23 AM):
have to download one by one then
jazjme says (5:24 AM):
np
jan says (5:24 AM):
the band will return to the States in the summer as well, he says.

jan says (5:25 AM):
that part sucks a little... europe should be summer
jazjme says (5:25 AM):
give me 4 mins, I am coming to the end of this chapter,  damn intence , but it really imo brings home the chapter, welcome to

HS. 

[jazjme]

Ever get the feeling you been ther done that in a surreal place , its called de'ja vu. WEll here I go again, feeig that, so back to the handball court.


     

Did I ever mention the hand ball court , yeah you know the ones, that well metal heads, and such would hang out, and by metal heads, I peak more of the Led Zep, Floyd, Sabbath, and old school stuff, hell it as only 1984. BUT damn what wirlwind it was. Add in the weed, halucinagenics, and there ya go, life became a trip. ( a rollar coaster so to speak).


I have to step back a few again,...

   

THE SUMMER AFTER THE 6TH GRADE BEFORE YR HIGH


AS all thatas wrong in growing up, and my prdisposition,. I remeber this dude, yes, now growing up mew terms come to play, instead of him , or her. Anyway his name was joel, and we hada few classes throughout grammer school, and he was cool, never had a problem, (though I get the feeling I mised something there), cause the next semester in JR high, he was smoking cigs,wearing a denim jacket, and truthfully all of asudden changed?, and he became a dick to me. And I was like (in my mind thinking ), wear the hell is this coming from. I think he had older brother, or something, that during that transiton, made him , I dunno, just wierd.

Any incination of afriendship was wiped away, comlpetely irradicated, and now all I had to feal with was more constant bullying come to HS.


   Like oh I didnt know you smoke, her esmoke this, take a long drag kind stuff, or beter yet, as I told him, what he fuck i up with you. Never got an anser for that.


    JOE GOES NEW WAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Talk about a fasio disaster misstep!, I cant even begin, (well hey I took a breifcase to JR HIgh, all on me, ACT like a business man!. Yeah alot of good that did,  PERhaps in a way it did, but regardless, now here I am in HS, cause I wanna be here , and be around many , other than all boys(now I wonder how that woulda turned out, lol!!)ANd having to deal with jaxasses, but I dont think they were, which is why, I figured on my own, let me see , or let me try what they are doin, maybe Ill be more axxepted, or at least at min, be left alone.


That was the motivation, that was the spark, amist all the insults, and jabbing, I took it upon myself to see what the hell was goin on. I had already done my bid at Usdan, I call it that now cause, well thats really what is was, the best joy I got thre, was seeing my sister perfrm, and meeting people who understod me musically. BUt I was the one waging war I think, proabably , .....................Years later I seem to stil fight, for things I believe and just say fuck it, to things , (ok its a double standard), to clarify, I fight for things, people I love, and will just after so many knocks in  the head, from those that dont care then go away, but its been my expierience, that some of those who knock me, wind up coming around again, and I dont know how to deal with thjat, some I really want know part of, and some I will give a second chance, or 3, And then some who I really definitly after all consideration, I just completely am dead to , and it goes both ways, but I stand by my own reason  for myself, Ive yet to know reasoms for others, and some I really can give a shit. Like my roomate, trying to have me arrested , in my apartment , that I let him move into , yrs later, who you will anyone reading will see, how he tried to totally take advantage, and use. But such that is for leechers, and in HS its not really any differnt, other than that it was a first offence, and sometimes you can forgive, 2 or 3. ME I repeated offences to institutons, and to people I love, cause up to this time I never fought, I was a fucking wimp, a joke. So if I fight for anything, its , at least to me, a good fight, .

[jazjme]

TRUTHS


What is the truth, recalling, an event, or place or time. Telling it in the first person when you really may be the third? Is it the actually happening, or just, the thrill of knowing things? Is everythihgn true, from what we see or read? Are emotions true, are an act? Does it qualifiy as truth because , it was reported, maybe shown on a TV show, or does it go deeper to the core , and affect your heart? Are tears true, or lies masked in shame . Is laughter a form of a lie? Hidding again the parts of discomfort, to seem ammusing, but holding back the true essence? Whatever the case, going to HS was not a walk in the park. Maybe it is for many people, or maybe some really got good at hiding, in some shape or form.



     Now its time for truths! take em as you'd like (life) disregard for yourself whatever you dont feel or care to know. After all this is just a story and words , so nothing is here to get your panties in a bunch!


     I met Debbie back in USdan, one of many Debbies, I know in life. (Like there arent enough Joes!) So like I said she was my first "love". And there are many loves in my life, that come in many forms of gender and size. Now howz them apples! Ah jut a phrase from a movie, to try to illicit a laugh. Its hard being human, I dont know about you, and probably dont want to bother, but dont ya think that taking a chance to get to know people or a moment to say thank you or , I'm sorry should be held in great regard? Well not when your in HS apparently, seems all the beasts are loose on the prowl, and look at what IM saying. I just went and clumped every one into a catorgory, now that want dair if I say so myself. But truth is thats how it goes, you are wither part of the in crowd or you are the out. (( Damn I loved that movie the OUTSIDERS).

[jazjme]

So, ok here we are, High school, erm um I have no idea what to do, Im freaked out,but excited aat the same time, Cause I chose this.

  REWIND

Oh shit I did it again, I left something out, besides the summer at Usdan, there was this elite HS called Chamanade, an all boys, Chathoic school that my second cousin Mike went to, and he first got me into Ozzy, and RNR in general, the likes of Night ranger, and stuff, this was like 1983. Anyway, he was going to this HS, and I wanted to emulate him also, so I applied. And wouldnt you know it, I got accepted!

  NOw, after what has been happening, you think I would jump at the chance to be at an all boy school, NOPE. Sorry, they didnt have an Orchestra, so while I was goin to summer camp, and all things that were goin on, this also was going on. AFter the episode with my dad , in the car driving to debbies,there was 2 weeks left , before actually goin to high school, and in my mind as fucked up as it was , I became increasingly parinoid, and afraid, moreso that #1 guys always want to beat me up, # 2 there is no ORchestra. #3 , Fuck everything , I just want to be around all kinds of people! So at the 11hr, I told my parents I dont want to go to Chamanade, there isnt an ORchestra, only a Marching band, and I want to play music.

Inspiration




jazjme says (6:41 AM):
sorry I was saying bye to my dad , hes off to work and I wont see him till next week
jan says (6:42 AM):
k
jazjme says (6:42 AM):
told me my cousin donna has many connections
jazjme says (6:42 AM):
as far as publishing, so that made me light up  with a big 
jan says (6:43 AM):
excellent!
jazjme says (6:44 AM):
so, I thorw the ball to you now, Im not doin anything till you feel the edit is good
jan says (6:44 AM):
yeah, it's gonna be quite some work
jazjme says (6:45 AM):
Ill show her jsut what I have , from the edit six stuff, but, thats all
jan says (6:45 AM):
have to cut some
jazjme says (6:47 AM):
honestly I want to show her these things, cause there is very much family stuff, I want to address, but as far as story, for anyone else, your the editor!
jazjme says (6:48 AM):
AT the end it could be totally nothing, near how I wrote, I did that for me, purposely, while at the same time hope that sence can be made that I think you could provide
jazjme says (6:50 AM):
but, then again , I trust you, so , thats my feelings
jazjme says (6:51 AM):
hence me wanting you to be co-author
jan says (6:52 AM):
yeah, we'll see. I think it should dwell a little. I basically need to read more, and I think you should write more.
jazjme says (6:52 AM):
will do so agin after work tomorrow
jan says (6:52 AM):
I'll try to work a little if I find time. But busy times until I've moved
jazjme says (6:54 AM):
its not , like I said nor do I think its gonna be a tomoorw thing, just trying to set a somewhat plan , dec is fine, and the next part probably wont be done till march, and then there will be more that probably wont be done till, next aug
jan says (6:54 AM):
wilkl take some time, but it will have to
jan says (6:55 AM):
we'll make it coherent and good
jazjme says (6:55 AM):
the point is I hope thatsome time in the next yr or 2 we can do it and get it done,
jan says (6:55 AM):
I still feel I need time to chew on parts to see if they are good or not.
jazjme says (6:56 AM):
reason I stopped is so you can have time to do what you need to. on the first part .
jan says (6:58 AM):
don't stop, I'll get it done
jazjme says (6:58 AM):
  I just found the start to the next part   Cause I dont wanna stop !
jan says (6:58 AM):
write when you're inspired
jan says (6:59 AM):
I think I'll work a little tomorrow
jan says (6:59 AM):
I actually worked a little two days ago
jazjme says (6:59 AM):
inspired is been a thing I have been for awhile save for the dull drums of work, and .



Yeah, so sorry about that, but , damn, why the hell would I want to have to take a train to go to HS, everyday that is 30 mins away from where I live and jesus they didnt have a orchestra, (see how easy it was for me to supress myself!), And I had a better chance of seeing Debbie again , cause well actually I didnt know that at the time. BUt so yeah , I made up my MIND!, I was goin to pubic school!!!!


   To try to describe all the things that went through me when I made that decsision, I think probably most peoples heads woulda exploded. I was scared of life, now scared of secrets I had not yet known truly for myself, and scared of not having or being in a place where I thought I should be, and not being able to play in  an Orchestra.

  The idea of me having to face carnal instinct I new early on was over whelming.I wasnt built, that was , I didnt have that macho sence, to cover up the playfullness other boys did. I didnt have those barimaters. Other than Chris and I, up till this time my best friends were girls.(and before anyone even goes there , is that bad that the best friend you have is one?) OHh Im just getting started now, yeah Im pissed, of interpracation's, and who thinks what should be right,and what kinda life you should have, Ya know what its bullshit, yup!, just that bullshit.
the boys shared very young and innocent, maybe my cousin was trying to teach me, who knows, BUT there was no doubt, (and probably be no doubt) , that under consideration, this always led me to vear away and fall into myself so to speak.

[jazjme]

 A NEW MEMORY

     I think one of the most important things in life at least at the time , back then was allowing myself to become for all intents and purpose a sponge. That is to say , to listen to people and take in their joy, happiness , fears , pain, and to allow myself to try to understand . After all, isn't that we go to school for in the first place? Anyway, after making my choice to go to public school I decided things would have to change. I was kinda fed up with constant harrassments, by "bullies", and tired of being the easy target. After all I had already dealth with a plethora of shit, just getting to this point.

    So there I was ready to "take on the world", things were ok so far, Chris and I had already developed a strong bond in friendship, and I had just come off one of the best summers of my life. I was getting respect from people who mattered to me, and I was getting better at showing my creative side. No longer did I have to consider worrying about what sport I'd be thrust into or what games I didn't want to play. I had kissed a girl and thought , ok , this is cool.

   On one particular bus ride, leaving school a few days after high school began, people I knew , Mellisa, Lisa(who one day I would ask to marry), Debbie,Kathleen, Mary and Barbara(who's sister Jennifer I would really first date (later), Kelli, and Kim(who I think I mighta mentioned was serving time for abandoning her baby), and there was Amy, and Loretta and Dawn, all sat in the back seats of the bus, the cool place !. And there were a few guys, my  enemies, for some reason, the ones who liked to pick on me. I was bold this day, and decided to go sit at the back and talk to them. Besides most of these girls used to come to my house during elemeatary school to learn religious teachings from my mom, (alot of the people in the area I grew up with were Roman Catholic). A funny side note though, when they used to come over, I would set the VHS of a horror movie to one of the most bloodiest pats, and turn it on, and the girls would scream and try to look away, but my mom had a timg with mirrors, and the entire, living room and dining room wall was mirrored , so even when tey turnd around hey would still see , really used to make me laugh my ass off.)Yeah you could say I was a prankster. All in good fun though.---------Anyway, this one day on that bus this kid Billy( who later in life I will have found out had gotten shot and killed , over a drug incident long after high school and even college, I truly felt bad for his family), was being a asshole to me and started shit with his other friends, John, and Keith, and another guy named John, and started a fight with me. For the first time (aside from having a fight with an entire pee wee football team in 4th or 5th grade), I decided to say fuck this, I went into a rage that I guess I didn't really realize I had in me, that only showed up a few times earlier. I beat the fuck outta that bully, literally on the bus, "Told him don't ever fuck with me again!" Oh shit I finally used one of those bad words! Was really not like me!. His friend's, started cheering me on , and the girls were all impressed, I don't know why, still cant grasp peoples obsession for violence, other than watching a non real horror movie. Not to say that the was the last time I ever had a fight nor the first, only the first times I was a pussy  and afraid to hit back. But this day , was the start of a very long friend ship with a lot of people, and no longer did I have anymore fights with my peers, the fighting would be towards, authorities, and older assholes, like teachers , cops, principles, narcs. Yeah gets interesting. But that group of girlfriends were the best things I had. And they came in all shapes and sizes, but that doesn't matter, some were complete knock outs, and others, just plain jane, but if I learned anything, never would I change them for the world,they were my rock!And knew how to rock!

[jazjme]

just another excerpt I finished earlier ( and after reading a moment ago about that fallen lil gunner really hit me), kinda ironic .

THE BEST OF TIMES( a Sytx Reference, kinda)


After making a connection with many people , and after giving my first beat down to one of "my oppressors", I kinda chilled.

IT was so cool, after that fight on the bus, that I was asked to hang out, with this large group of people at the oh so

coverted "trail". Which throughout HS, would tell stories, of my life , from the life I was trying to create and figure

out.IT was these underground , rites of passage, in the nights, that were to an extent blendng seamlessly with the day light

work of school, responsiblility, and just plain old , "YOU SHOULD KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG", kinda lectures, and yada yada .
   Listen if I wanted a fucking opinion on what I was doin , I asked, if I didnt get the answer I wanted, I disregarded it,

and was more fuck off. And if that wasn't enough I would expand my mind, to try to understand, what the hell is wrong with

people. I mean shit for real, Im fucking 14, I know it all, and I certainly know what I'm doing, (or do I?).
  ("no-one ever told my when I was alone , they just thought I know better, better.............." GNR 2006)
IF there is anything I know for sure, is that somewhere always inside me was and is, probably always will be is my capacity

to care to love to help people in thier time of need, and to comfort those hurt, cause seriously, I was becoming a sponge of

many colors. My motto had become, "don't worry". Ironically , all that I was and had become; fearless, bold, assertive, happy

, determined, focused, courageous, well that later in life will be tested and I will be brokem down, to that kid again afraid,

scared , hurt,unable at times feel that I have any rite to be here, to be even telling any of this, for who am I ? ( But oh

that is for a bit much later), but hey, Im doing my best to tell a story, so bear with me.lol. So off we go now, get on your

helmets, strap yourself in and who knows maybe some of this will resonate, on stuff everyone , somehow feels or relates to ,

this is the time now to sit back, crank some music,get a beer, and if your a 12 stepper(you may need a beer), just kidding,

get a beverage  of( your choice), and maybe chuckle get a laugh, and may even at times just go , "oh hell no, I cant" , "he

didnt just go there". Well I think I went there, right from the begining.  

[Mauve_All]

Hello  ))

I read part of your work and I'd like to ask a question or two. The answers you give (to me or to yourself) may serve you as feedback.

1. Why do you keep changing posts? It's like, there are sometimes that the reader is aware of a narrator who's willing to tell a story and he's pretty conscious of it, like where you say "Anyway, back to the story, well isnt this a story." and there are other parts that sound like someone's is jut casting out personal thoughts and memories from the past, like where you say "We love each other. I say lets play doctor. ANd we do, but I think a doctor doesnt try to lick someomes tit!".

I'm not saying it can't be done, write in mixed style, I'm just asking if you are aware that you're doing it because the way it's put on paper so far, sounds like you're writing like you're talking. If that's what you wanna do, it's fine.

2.  I generally have an issue with describing sentiments. The way I see it, I expect a piece of literature to be able to give you the sense of embarassment, amusement, guilt etc without having to come out with it in the exact words. For example, you write: "this feels strange, kinda murky, as if Im swimming in a pool where the surface is not a way out, but a trap." . Now, this is a beautiful picture, really. But I think it's ruined simply because it's so explicitly descibed in one sentence instead of being imposed to the reader throughout the generation of an atmosphere that's going to make the reader feel that the surface is a trap and not a way out.

Sometimes writers have this picture in their head that they want to share through a story and it's tricky for them and maybe difficult to resist the temptation of presenting this picture as quickly and as clearly as possible. But I think writing is more than that: I think it includes the creation of a whole world, including characters, plot, narration and description and as a reader I'd like to be emerged in this world rather than read statements like "Oh, my God, how humiliated I felt". In other words, don't tell me, the reader, that you felt humiliated. Make me realise it.

With all the respect

[jazjme]

Hello  ))

I read part of your work and I'd like to ask a question or two. The answers you give (to me or to yourself) may serve you as feedback.

1. Why do you keep changing posts? It's like, there are sometimes that the reader is aware of a narrator who's willing to tell a story and he's pretty conscious of it, like where you say "Anyway, back to the story, well isnt this a story." and there are other parts that sound like someone's is jut casting out personal thoughts and memories from the past, like where you say "We love each other. I say lets play doctor. ANd we do, but I think a doctor doesnt try to lick someomes tit!".

I'm not saying it can't be done, write in mixed style, I'm just asking if you are aware that you're doing it because the way it's put on paper so far, sounds like you're writing like you're talking. If that's what you wanna do, it's fine.

2.  I generally have an issue with describing sentiments. The way I see it, I expect a piece of literature to be able to give you the sense of embarassment, amusement, guilt etc without having to come out with it in the exact words. For example, you write: "this feels strange, kinda murky, as if Im swimming in a pool where the surface is not a way out, but a trap." . Now, this is a beautiful picture, really. But I think it's ruined simply because it's so explicitly descibed in one sentence instead of being imposed to the reader throughout the generation of an atmosphere that's going to make the reader feel that the surface is a trap and not a way out.

Sometimes writers have this picture in their head that they want to share through a story and it's tricky for them and maybe difficult to resist the temptation of presenting this picture as quickly and as clearly as possible. But I think writing is more than that: I think it includes the creation of a whole world, including characters, plot, narration and description and as a reader I'd like to be emerged in this world rather than read statements like "Oh, my God, how humiliated I felt". In other words, don't tell me, the reader, that you felt humiliated. Make me realise it.

With all the respect

Thank you for taking he time to be critical as I was looking for some feedback. And it is definitly much appreciated.

As for the first thing. I am aware that I am mixing styles and it as one of the things I consciously want to do. Its a project whereas not only am I telling a story, I am indeed talking , to people in real time, as throughout, the entire story are real time, chats of people and myself who agreed that it was ok for me to use our dialects. And this is to try to create a more frenetic pace and these chats often lead me to memories and stories to move forward. And from that the pace shifts, as I do indeed tell a story. So when a person reading as yourself feels like I am talking , the case is I am, indirectly talking to the people who are along with me in this project. I have not obviously posted in its entirety , but rather chronologically.

As for your second criticism, which again is welcomed. It goes back to kinda #1, I am explaining my feelings though, once the story shifts from the more live "talking ", in real time today, and I shift to another part of the past I am then trying to just tell the story, where the reader is now more involved in the world . As for the the story is basically about a journey.  A life journey.


But I am definitly taking your words to heart, and alot will be considered as I am still just writting. And when I come to a conclusion , and even throughout the process one main person who shows up thoughout and I feel is very much part of the story is editing stuff for me, to make this as concise as can be.

Thanks for your thoughtfull criticism