General Babble

[cineater]

I'm all bubbly about that women with power tools thing.  How fucking cool is that?!  Not sure what I'm building or fixing and I'm probably going to fuck it up enough times until I get it right.  God damn the learning curve. 

There's one other thing I've wanted to learn, tap dancing.  I've looked for classes for old folks but not finding it.  Maybe this will be the year.  Little worried about practicing, my ankles are weak.  I screwed them up with platform shoes and 3 inch heels.  As I understand it, my legs in 3 inch heels was a treat for a lot of folks but it left me with weak ankles and squeezed toes.  But how fun would it be just to dance with yourself?  Tap your ass out of a situation you don't want to deal with or know what to say, yeah fucking toodloo to you.   

You've probably guessed by now, I've had a lifetime of dealing with difficult people.  Also known as catching trains with no brakes.     As one of my bosses said, it's a waste of my talent to take me out of that role.  Yeah but I didn't want to deal with that every day, sometimes I'm just too busy and you know, where the fuck are the happy, easy going people?  That's my tribe, clan and I miss them.  One of my daughter's boyfriends said it.  He was a troubled kid, little lier and probably a thief but it was the life he was thrown into and he wanted better.  He liked to hang with us.  Said something about he wanted to be one of us.  He didn't want to go home.  My foster granddaughter said it too.  Didn't want to go home "but I look like them".  Yeah, it's the clan you want to be in.  I have trouble finding that group too and when I do, I don't want to leave. 

[cineater]

Okay, it didn't help that I didn't get up till noon.     Somedays I just have to tell myself to calm the fuck down woman, your world is cool.  Turn the scanner off, get the to do list out of you head and relax.  Isn't that what you are looking for?

The little talk with yourself doesn't work.     Alert is still nagging at you, you're still up and running even though physically, you're sitting typing at the computer.  Anxiety attack?  They have pills for that.    But I'm going to say no, not what's going on.  Too much coffee?  Not yet, I didn't get up till noon and is that ever a problem?  Lots of open space on that calendar, did I forget something?  Possibility, always a possibility, but I don't think so.

Hmmm, going to go take a long walk among the Christmas lights and chill.  It's only in the 40's out there so of course I'm going to chill.    But it's with a group of people including Marsha and DJ.    I really just want to be all snug back at the house waiting for this to go away.

[cineater]

That was really nice.  The group had a chili and hot chocolate party before we headed over.  Beautiful night to be out walking in the park under the Christmas lights.  Saw some new fireworks I had never seen before.  Reminded me of a dolphins swimming through the water and then exploding at the end.  GNR should shoot them.  Also reminded me of sperm seeking an egg.     Hey, I was not the only one who thought of that.

DJ was being her hostess self.  Said something to Marsha about me being a blessing for helping with her garden.  Marsha chimed in I could be a blessing or a curse.  Just had to take a jab at me.  At least that's the way it felt.  I know I'm being over sensitive with this shit but can we stop cutting down other people as a joke?

Anyway, it was really good for Marsha.  I could tell she appreciated it.  We were looking at the HO scale train display.  One of the signs said:  Your wife is hot!  Show her you care, fix your AC.   

We have a chance of snow coming in.  I have nowhere to be tomorrow.  I can stay home and enjoy it.  Of course it will probably all melt before I get out of bed.

[cineater]

My car remote is possessed. 

It all started with a trip to the gas station.

Threw all my shit in the car and sat down to have a smoke waiting for the cats to come in.  My remote is in my back pocket so when I sat down, the remote start activates.  Shit, the keys to get in the car are in my purse, in the car and remote start automatically locks the doors!  And the garage doors are down.  Running car in a closed garage, I'm going to die.  Thinking clear enough I hit the button to open the door.  Sometimes the open door button on the remote doesn't work but I discover by pressing the remote start button I can turn it off.

Get up to the gas station and my wallet dumps all my credit cards on the floor under my feet.  While I'm picking that up, the doors lock and the car starts.  Wait, where is the remote?  I can't turn the car off, I'm locked in and I can't drive home to get the spare set.  The remote is not in my purse, not between my leg and the seat or in the compartment between the seats.  Threw everything out of my purse looking for it again.  The car shuts off because it has been that long.  Okay, I'm going to check all of these places again.  The car is beeping so I know something I'm doing means the remote is somewhere I just touched.  And the remote start activates again.  God is anybody watching this?    I'm sure my facial expressions are going between annoyance and panic.  Finally I realize I'm sitting on it!  Stick it in the ignition so I can turn off the remote start and the car alarm goes off!

Got out of my car laughing.  Things went smoothly, got back in my car and drove away.  Wait, where are my cigarettes?  Of course they are no longer in my purse.   

[cineater]

Guess I am a little chatty. 

God I haven't heard this album in years.  I have it on cassette and the album.  It's from 71.  Funny how I still know all the words.  Lucky it's up on youtube because I have nothing to play those on.  I was going for I Don't Know You.  It's got Henry on it too.    One of your jug band songs.  Yeah it's not any better if you haven't any weed.

For all the shit John Lennon got for Yoko Ono, he wrote her one of the best love songs.  Great video too.  Where does the time go?  Harvest Moon is another one of those.  Where does the love go?  Can't believe that marriage broke up and who he ended up with.

Okay, yeah the exs have popped up.  Don't know where the love went but it went.     Time to leave the love songs.  Strut out on the streets and freeze.  Do a half step.   

It's kind of nice to be so old that you have experienced so much music.  Bad that you've forgotten a lot of it.  Gave a bunch of clues there to songs I'm listening to.  Can you name them?

[cineater]

That's the end of pinball league.  I took third place in my division in the playoffs.  We're going to have general play every Tuesday until they close the place down.  Didn't mention anything about a winter league but Heather did tell me she doesn't think the pinball machines are leaving.

[cineater]

Aww, Norman Lear died.  All the TV shows I grew up with. 101, wow, people are sure living a long time these days.  All that hard work?

[cineater]

My foster son surfaced.  He's been on a dive for the bottom for the last two years.  That's code for a meltdown and totally fucking up his life.  He's been MIA in a couple of states away.  His son was excited and hopeful, telling me his dad isn't doing drugs and getting his life together.  Just a general asking of what he's doing and it's pretty obvious the kid was told a lie.  His wife tells me, he is trying to get up the nerve to call me and his father.  I'm thinking really, he's playing the sympathy card?  He's still using.

I wish better for him.  Waiting it out and hoping he finds his way back.  I'm not expecting a call.  He doesn't like lying to me especially when he knows, I know, he is.  He can't help it.  He doesn't want me to think poorly of him.  He never wanted to be like his dad and I went through all of that with him.  But it happen and even worse.  I can't help him if he doesn't want help.  I'm doing what he would want me to do, looking out for his kids.

This happens in situations like this.  They make contact around the holidays, give you hope and then disappear again.

[cineater]

"No I don't have my ducks in a row.  I don't even know where some of them are.  And I'm pretty sure one of them is a pigeon." 

[cineater]

He did call.  It was a rushed confession I didn't even ask for.  He just needed to spit it out.  He's walking in the right direction.  The underlying question was do you still care about me?  Of course we do, we were just waiting on you.  Says he's clean and sober except for occasional pot.  Okay, I can live with that.  Don't like it as a coping mechanism but he also has a lot of physical pain to deal with.  He's stuck where he is until August.  If he can hold it together, he can come home if he wants.  I'm not offering just yet.  I will miss my plant room but I'm always willing to give him another shot if he's willing to come out of it.  I'm willing to be supportive but I'm not willing to be used.

Said he purposely drove his car into the tree when the police were chasing him.  Somehow I totally get that.  It's from way back when but for a minute it feels good just to surrender.

[cineater]

Oh good, DJ can't come tonight.  I know what she would say about the Christmas call.  Was my initial reaction too.  I've preped the kids, we'll deal with it if it all goes south.  I won't let vanished hope harden my heart.  I always hold out and ready to do it again.  A harden heart hurts, an open heart still works.

I took the family out to dinner last night.  The boy got a pie in the face for his birthday.     Good to spend some time with them.  Time just goes so fast.

But I'm dreaming about that old, beater, red truck.  Why didn't I just make an offer when I saw it?  Oh yeah, it's a piece of shit.     Absolutely love it.  Hope it comes back to the gardens to visit.  I could use a little truck.  I think he said it was a 75.  Stick shift.  Don't think I can race around in that but I really miss going through the gears.  Missed opportunity of a lifetime.  Hopefully, I get another chance.

[cineater]

Hold on.     Okay the second conversation got threw the catching up and it's okay to stay in contact.  The rest will go easier.  Not liking that he quit going to counseling and AA meetings but plans to go back.  Or that being with his kids is going to solve his depression issues.  He's got some more work to do.  Not on solid ground.

He has some contacts with Dollar General and may get a manager job.  He's right, he has a good chance at that.  And wouldn't you know it, they are building one right down the street from me.  My place would be perfect for him to end up at.  You get two grown adults in this my small place and I go crazy.  He's also a slob.    He didn't learn that from me.  But it would be nice to have somebody here to watch the cats so I can travel a bit.  Somebody in case I have a health issue.  For just a little bit would be okay or rather I could make due but really, I don't want to be in the middle of this mess.

But it is a Christmas call.  Those rarely work out.  I hope he continues to try.  We'll work out the details as we go.  There's a way home.

[cineater]

Wow, I said I thought I was getting a new adventure.  Doors have been closing and opening.  Opportunities presenting themselves.  I'm getting my vision back!  All happening pretty quickly.  I'm wondering what's next?  It's pretty exciting.  On the other hand,  , I'm starting to freak out.  What is next?

The last adventure was pretty good.  Got myself retired, the kid married and had a baby, got the gardens under my care and got to know my mother better.  There was some not so great shit along the way but all adventures have that.

[cineater]

Well enough about me.  Caught one of Pink's commercials for her upcoming concerts.  Looks like Taylor Swift type of a show.  Has she always done those types of shows?  Haven't seen her but I assumed she was more band performance then stage show.

[cineater]

Damn it!     Just when I thought I was almost done with those 90+ rolls of industrial toilet paper they gave me when I retired 5 years ago I found another bag!  I couldn't even give them away when there was a toilet paper crisis during the pandemic. 

I have toilet paper issues.   

[cineater]

OMG  We went to see Meet Me in St Louis on the big screen.  The preadolescent comes in from swimming.  She's in her long white under clothing but it's dripping wet and you can see right through it.  Her budding breasts, her little butt.  Look, I have cataracts and I'm seeing that.     The adults in this movie are all covered up and worried about stealing kisses.  Excuse me but did you see the naked child?  And there's another scene where they pull off her shirt.  Okay, my little holiday movie was a shocker.     It's so old she's probably dead by now.  Might not have been a big deal back in the day but I'm thinking not showing that movie to sex offenders.

[cineater]

Yeah, horrible thoughts just keep creeping in there.  I'm wondering where my joy went.  I'm crashing.

Long drive today so it's time to have a little chat with myself because riding it out isn't working.  Okay, lay it out there.  Fucking money pressure, the gardens, the cataracts.  It's going to be okay, it's getting covered, there's a plan.  My son called, feel bad for all involved but it's going to take some time, we're okay right now.  You know, patience with those.  And the surgery.  It's a good thing and everybody else has sailed through it.  Anything else?  Little shit but if you have to think about it, that's not it.

Okay, when do you feel good?  When I'm busy, sometimes when I'm with people, when I'm physically active.

It was a long drive and a long chat.  Basically, I'm starting spring clean tomorrow.     It will keep me busy while I come up with a better plan.  People I normally interact with are annoying the shit out of me so I need some new folks.  I'm not ready to go back to the gym put push ups off the kitchen sink and planks works.  The plant room is lit up so I can soak up some light.  Working through it.

[cineater]

This is perfect.  IHop has Willie Wonka themed food.  Think I'll take my grandson up there for hot chocolate and purple pancakes for his birthday tomorrow.  He loves candy so he should like this. 

[cineater]

While Sondra was over fixing all my shit, she noticed I had a plastic toolbox busting at the seams.  She knows good junk when she sees it.  She brought me over a beat up, Craftsman, metal toolbox.  Oh yeah, that is good junk.  Mom had given me some Grateful Dead dancing bear stickers I had never found a home for.  Good size too, 4 inches tall.  3 across the back and one on each side.  My toolbox is so pretty!     Sondra likes it, it's me and I've made it my own.  I'm wondering why I don't have any GNR stickers though?

When I can reach it, I have a "Where the Heck is Wall Drug" bumper sticker for the front.  It's from my free to roam about the country days.  You know where it is, it's just getting there, eventually, that's the problem. 

[cineater]

That was kind of sucky.  Walked into the pinball room and some of the machines were missing.  Brian is selling them off.  He's going to keep what doesn't sell there until the superbowl then the place shuts down.  We will keep meeting there until then.  Did pretty well tonight.  Lots of multiballs and a replay on a first ball.  Never had the multiball on monster bash where they play the song.  No idea how many balls came out with that.  They were everywhere!     Brian thinks after my cataract surgery I'll make more of my shots.  Not so sure about that but I'm willing to give it a shot.  Yeah, but where?

Woman's tournament Friday night.  Of course there will be food and chocolate.