Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.?
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.?
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.?
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris can eat a rubix cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
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