PHOENIX, AZ?In what insiders say is an attempt to revitalize his flagging campaign and convince voters that he is still a straight-talking maverick, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) announced Sunday that he will subject himself to the same mental torment and physical abuse he endured nearly 40 years ago at the same Vietnamese camp where he was once held as a prisoner of war.
"On Saturday at approximately 2:40 a.m. I will fly over the capital city of Hanoi and have my plane's right wing blown off by a Russian missile," said McCain, adding that the force of the ejection from an aging A-4 Skyhawk should render him unconscious and break both of his arms and "preferably [his] right leg." "I will then be taken to a bug- and rat-infested cell where, with both nobility and grace, I will suffer the worst forms of human indignities."
McCain, once considered a shoo-in for the Republican presidential nomination, insisted that his upcoming stay at the Hanoi torture facility was simply a late addition to a previously planned trip to Southeast Asia, and has nothing to do with his faltering campaign.
But a source close to the campaign said the senator's decision to revisit his indescribable degradation at the hands of the Viet Cong was prompted by a desire to "get back to his roots," and "reconnect with the struggles that defined him as a leader."
"The fact is, Sen. McCain feels that he's changed somehow from the independent, eternally haunted outsider that he once was," the source said. "He hopes that revisiting the extraordinary horrors he endured so many years ago will reinstill in him the sense of purpose and commitment he is so respected for. And what better way to reignite the political fire within than by having sharpened rods of bamboo jammed under his fingernails?"
McCain
According to campaign documents released to the media, the visit will cost more than $10 million, most of which will go toward acquiring a Grushin S-75 surface-to-air missile, renovating McCain's cell to its exact 1970s-era condition, paying medical personnel to provide inefficient and cruel treatment, and hiring Vietnamese citizens to act as the Viet Cong.
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