The Joke Thread

[misterID]

Damn, he's really hard to describe. He mainly talks about himself, his life, cancer, ex-wives, sex, masturbation, bowel movements, getting caught by his wife when he was having sex with his daughters best friend while he was in the hospital... He is one of the best comics I've ever seen/heard. You should check him out. He had a great HBO special.

http://www.robertschimmel.com/

[88 Days]

Sunday School ?
 
? Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.?

 
hilarious

[Elrothiel]

getting caught by his wife when he was having sex with his daughters best friend while he was in the hospital...

What a dick. Cheatin's so wrong ANYWAY, but when its with yer daughter's best friend.... that's just wronger than wrong and no one should do that!!! I don't care if he's a famous comedian or an unknown farmer from Farm Planet, you just DON'T screw yer daughter's best friend and cheat on yer wife.

[Where is Hassan Nasrallah ?]

getting caught by his wife when he was having sex with his daughters best friend while he was in the hospital...

What a dick. Cheatin's so wrong ANYWAY, but when its with yer daughter's best friend.... that's just wronger than wrong and no one should do that!!! I don't care if he's a famous comedian or an unknown farmer from Farm Planet, you just DON'T screw yer daughter's best friend and cheat on yer wife.

he's a comedian ...

[anythinggoes]

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV.....

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he
just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so
well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

[Markus Asraelius]

This thread just never wants to die.

[2NaFish]

Kill Me. Please.

I disagree

[Shirell]

This one's terrible but it made me laugh:

One day in the big blue a little squid with a broken tentacle is trying to get back home.  Not too far from his front door a great big shark comes along.  "Please dont eat me Im sick" the squid says to the shark, "Im not going to" said the shark "come with me I know someone who can fix all your problems".  Not knowing whether or not to trust the shark, the squid feels he has no choice to to follow anyway.  Some time later in the middle of the coral beds the shark stops and says to another shark "hey bert, here's that sick squid I owe ya".....

[Steel_Angel]

im not kidding.