The Joke Thread

[2NaFish]

If any nationality is not included in this joke please PM and and i'll work on one for your own country

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.



AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
You threaten to invade the country the cow came from.



FRENCH CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.



JAPANESE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
worldwide.



GERMAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.



BRITISH CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
Your cows are both mad.
You burn them.



ITALIAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows
You don't know where they are.
You don't care where they are.
You break for lunch.



RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You count them and find you have five cows.
You count them again and find you have 42 cows.
You count them again and find you have 11 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.




SWISS CAPITALISM:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them anonymously.



HINDU CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You worship them.



CHINESE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity.
You arrest the journalist who reported that you only have two cows.



WELSH CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You fancy the cute one on the left.



ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
You then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
Your annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

[Steel_Angel]

I wanted to share these with yall?

Beaver
"A little girl walks in on her mom in the shower and asks, "Mommy mommy, what?s that?" Her mom replied, "That?s my beaver." Next day the little girl walked in on her grandmother taking a shower and asked, "Grandma grandma, what?s that?" Her grandmother replied, "That?s my beaver." Third day the little girl walks in on her mother taking a shower and asks her, "Mommy mommy, what?s that?" Her mother replied, "That?s my beaver." The little girl stated to her mother that grandma?s beaver must be dead cause it?s tongue is hanging out."

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little Mexican boy
A little Mexican boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is cooking and rubs his hands in flour and whips it all over his face the little boy says "Look mother i?m a white boy." The mother slaps him and tells him to go to his father. The boy goes to his father and says "Look farther i?m a white boy." The father slaps him and tells him to go  to his Grandmother. The boy goes to his grandmother and says "Look grandma Mari i?m a white boy." His grandmother slaps him. He goes back into the kitchen with his mother and she asks him ?Did you learn a vauble lesson?? The little boy replies "Yes I?ve only been white for five minutes and i already hate ya?ll damn Mexicans.

[Elrothiel]

Those are awesome!!!

[alexh0618]

Those were great! 

[speed_stone]

 

[misterID]

The mexican boy one is a re-hash. It's supposed to be a little black boy in the 1960's, and its just the parents and no grandmother. I guess its more politically correct? to use Mexicans? instead.

The original punchline:

The little colored boy stands at the bathroom sink, crying, as he washes off the make up and says: I don't blame white people... I've only been white five minutes and I already hate two colored people.

[Jim]

'Mexicans'? 'Coloured people'? Either way, it takes the edge off the joke.

Both jokes are... Average.

[Sakib]

no offense imo they're not funny or dirty in any way.

[Elrothiel]

Sunday School  
 
  Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted. 


Cartwheeling for Cash
 
  One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
 


Suck on those!

[misterID]

'Mexicans'? 'Coloured people'? Either way, it takes the edge off the joke.

Both jokes are... Average.

The joke was written by actor/comedian and civil rights activist Godfrey Cambridge in the 1960's and was told on national TV. That's why the term "colored people" was used. I never knew it had been rehashed into the Mexican joke.

He was a very underrated (and progressive for his time) comedian.

[Drew]

Good ones SkynyrdGirl!

[Elrothiel]

Cheers Drew!

[Sparksry]

This is kinda gross but its pretty dirty

lil john was given 20 dollars by his dad to go lose his virginity to a hooker,
on the way there he stopped by his grandma?s house for cookies,
Grandma asked: where ae you heading to lil john, he replied: dad gave me money to go lose my virginity to a hooker. Grandma said: oh, well, just give me the 20 dollars and I?ll fuck you.
Lil john went home, dad asked: how did it go with the hooker
lil john replied: I never got to her, grandma fucked me instead.
Dad said: YOU FUCKED MY MOTHER??!!!!!!!!
lil john replied: Well...... now you know how I feel

[Jim]

The joke was written by actor/comedian and civil rights activist Godfrey Cambridge in the 1960's and was told on national TV. That's why the term "colored people" was used. I never knew it had been rehashed into the Mexican joke.

He was a very underrated (and progressive for his time) comedian.

I see. Any links to some of his stuff? I'd never heard of him.

I don't find too many written jokes funny; books can be funny, because you have as long as you want to set the joke up. In joke... Jokes you have to create the set up and the punch line in a few lines, and they don't usually come off too well.

Besides, the delivery is far more important than the joke.

[Queen of Everything]

This is kinda gross but its pretty dirty

lil john was given 20 dollars by his dad to go lose his virginity to a hooker,
on the way there he stopped by his grandma?s house for cookies,
Grandma asked: where ae you heading to lil john, he replied: dad gave me money to go lose my virginity to a hooker. Grandma said: oh, well, just give me the 20 dollars and I?ll fuck you.
Lil john went home, dad asked: how did it go with the hooker
lil john replied: I never got to her, grandma fucked me instead.
Dad said: YOU FUCKED MY MOTHER??!!!!!!!!
lil john replied: Well...... now you know how I feel

I just dont get it.

Oh wait - Dad with the Mum??  With the Son and the Kid?  Oh - silly.

[Steel_Angel]

heres a funny joke
http://www.break.com/index/whiterapper21.html

[misterID]

The joke was written by actor/comedian and civil rights activist Godfrey Cambridge in the 1960's and was told on national TV. That's why the term "colored people" was used. I never knew it had been rehashed into the Mexican joke.

He was a very underrated (and progressive for his time) comedian.

I see. Any links to some of his stuff? I'd never heard of him.

I don't find too many written jokes funny; books can be funny, because you have as long as you want to set the joke up. In joke... Jokes you have to create the set up and the punch line in a few lines, and they don't usually come off too well.

I can't find too much about his material on-line. I saw him perform on some documentaries about black comedians (which is where I saw the joke above) and hsve some of his old albums and films.
Especially Watermelon Man. That was a good movie. I recommend it.

But here's a little something about him:

http://www.aaregistry.com/african_american_history/718/Unique_stage_and_screen_talents_Godfrey_Cambridge

Besides, the delivery is far more important than the joke.

I couldn't agree more.

Have you heard of the comedian Robert Schimmel?

[C0ma]

Here's one I heard the other day:

There's a construction crew that consists' of a Black, a Jew, and a Redneck. The Black construction worker is digging a trench when he hits something metal. he pulls it out of the hole and begins dusting it off to see what it is. Suddenly a genie emerges from the container. He tells the men that they each get one wish. The Black goes first. He decides that he wants to create a seperate country for all Blacks so that they can escape racism and opression, The Jew decides that he would also like to create a similar county where all Jews could escape religous persecution. The redneck takes a minute to think his wish over..........He then asks the Genie "Let me get this straight.... The Blacks and the Jew's are all being sent away to other countries" The Genie responds with a nod. The redneck then says "Fuck it.. what else could I ask for.... Just get me a Dr. Pepper then...."

[Elrothiel]

Silly redneck!

[Jim]

Have you heard of the comedian Robert Schimmel?

I haven't, no. I don't recognise him by name at least, but there's always the chance that I have come across him before. What kind of stuff does he do?

Ricky Gervais Simpson's episode, that premiered over here yesterday, is the perfect example of just how important delivery is. In my opinion, a lot of Ricky's jokes did not translate to cartoon at all; jokes that would have been absoloutly perfect either in the Office, Extras or in his standup just fell flat in cartoon form. They just couldn't pull off a 'Gervais' (his style is very unique) joke. That is neither a criticism directed at him or the producers, I'm of course not saying that he isn't funny; but shows just how important his delivery is in making him one of the funniest men on the planet. Personally, I think that getting him to write an episode of the Simpsons, on his own, was a mistake.