The Joke Thread

[McDuff]

Here's a good one,hope y'all like it.

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS


Stage #1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know
all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will
listen.  At this stage you are also always right.  And of course the
person you are talking with is very wrong.  You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting
argument when both parties are "smart".  Two people talking, in fact,
arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but
are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject
makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to
listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in
the entire room and everyone is looking at you.  You begin to wink at
perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been
admiring you the whole evening.  You are the center of attention, and all
eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the
face of the earth.  Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can
talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects
under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely
have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can
also make bets in this stage.  Now of course you still know all, so you
will always win all your bets.  And you have no concern for how much
money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also
begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you
because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the
face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with
because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to
the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self
all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no
worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all
the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might
erupt if he looses.

Stage #5  -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness.  At this point you can do
absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance
on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people
who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom
you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through
the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are
still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything
of it because they can't see you.  All your social inhibitions are
gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

And you certainly won't remember !

[Markus Asraelius]

Here's a good one,hope y'all like it.

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS


Stage #1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know
all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will
listen.? At this stage you are also always right.? And of course the
person you are talking with is very wrong.? You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting
argument when both parties are "smart".? Two people talking, in fact,
arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but
are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject
makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to
listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in
the entire room and everyone is looking at you.? You begin to wink at
perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been
admiring you the whole evening.? You are the center of attention, and all
eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the
face of the earth.? Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can
talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects
under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely
have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can
also make bets in this stage.? Now of course you still know all, so you
will always win all your bets.? And you have no concern for how much
money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also
begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you
because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the
face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with
because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to
the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self
all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no
worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all
the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might
erupt if he looses.

Stage #5? -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness.? At this point you can do
absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance
on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people
who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom
you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through
the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are
still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything
of it because they can't see you.? All your social inhibitions are
gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

And you certainly won't remember !

This one's really funny. Good job! 

[anythinggoes]

Being a bloke is top because:

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You can appreciate great sport.
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,in 45 minutes.
Same job .... . more pay.
The world is your urinal

[Sweet s]

Here's one I heard Yesterday:

Elton John Split Up From His Husband David Cause he was having Sex behind his back

[Backslash]

  awful!!!

What did Moses say when he got to the Red Sea?


God, dam it!

[Vegar]

Here's one I heard Yesterday:

Elton John Split Up From His Husband David Cause he was having Sex behind his back

[Vegar]

OK.. This is a bit grotesque!

Heard about the cannibal who had vegetable for dinner?

When he was finished, there were only the wheelchair left! 

[kaasupoltin]

OK.. This is a bit grotesque!

Heard about the cannibal who had vegetable for dinner?

When he was finished, there were only the wheelchair left! 

That's great!

[GypsySoul]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the?
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea.! "

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Backslash]

Love the intelligent blonde jokes! 

By the way, what do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

[Cubb]

If you are religious i suggest not reading

A bus full of nuns crashed one day and they were all sent to heaven however at the gates of heaven St.Peter asked the first nun in the line if she had ever touched a penis to which the nun replyed "yes with my finger"
So st.peter told her to put the finger in the holy water and go through the gates. He asked the second nun the same question to which she replyed with the same answer and was told to do the same as the first nun

Suddenly a nun comes bustlin up to the front of the line an st.peter asks what the hurry was
the nun replyed,"If i have to put my mouth in that holy water i want to do it before sister mary puts her ass in"!

[Markus Asraelius]

If you are religious i suggest not reading

A bus full of nuns crashed one day and they were all sent to heaven however at the gates of heaven St.Peter asked the first nun in the line if she had ever touched a penis to which the nun replyed "yes with my finger"
So st.peter told her to put the finger in the holy water and go through the gates. He asked the second nun the same question to which she replyed with the same answer and was told to do the same as the first nun

Suddenly a nun comes bustlin up to the front of the line an st.peter asks what the hurry was
the nun replyed,"If i have to put my mouth in that holy water i want to do it before sister mary puts her ass in"!

Classic.

[Sweet s]

Why Did the one handed man Cross the road?





To get to the second hand shop

[Sin Cut]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the?
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea.! "

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Now who would like to hit on someone by talking about nuclear power? 

This joke's about Prometheus, right?

[Backslash]

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Because he was stapled to the chicken.

 

[misterID]

A government witness who has been demanding 24-hour protection today was given a roll-on deodorant.


A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".


Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all week.

[Sweet s]

 


How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Stick your hands in It's Pockets and tickle It's Balls

[Markus Asraelius]

I got some jokes!

Here's #1:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Markus Asraelius]

And, here's #2:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My! God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[MR W,AXL ROSE]

i slept with this girl last night,she had a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her leg

its amazing

if you put your ear on it,you cant hear the sea but you sure can smell fish.