The Joke Thread

[pilferk]

You forgot:

And one person to call the moderators, who lock the thread that has decended into chaos, Communistic fascists who hate everybody and refuse to uphold the First Ammendment.

[*Izzy*]

and someone to start another thread complaining about the first one being locked

[Markus Asraelius]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.




/jarmo

Great One Jarmo. And true to most threads on here.

[conny]

Two indians go to their medicine man and ask him: "Can you tell us how the winter will be like this year?" The medicine man throws a bunch of tiny stones on the ground and says: "It's going to be a very cold winter, collect much wood for heating." On the other day, more indians come to him and ask the same. Again, he tells them: "Collect much wood!" Indians of other trunks come and he always says the same. "Collect much wood!" But the medicine man is not completely sure himself. He thinks: "I must call the weather office to check." Said - done. He calls and asks them: "Can you please tell me how the winter will be like this year?" The man from the weather office answers: "That will be one hard winter - the indians collect wood like crazy!"

[anythinggoes]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone
number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three
questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop
to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch
tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from
a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

[GypsySoul]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.? So off to the pet shop she went.? She searched and searched.? Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.? As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

The old lady figured -- WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car


Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."


So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK .......... AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
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COME ON GUESS
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SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She'd old .......... NOT DEAD!!!!!?

[Markus Asraelius]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.? So off to the pet shop she went.? She searched and searched.? Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.? As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

The old lady figured -- WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car


Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."


So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK .......... AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
v
v
v
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COME ON GUESS
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SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She'd old .......... NOT DEAD!!!!!?

I think you're joke was a little on the weak side.

[Gunner80]

Mommy...MOMMY!! where are your scabs?



Response: Shut up, and eat your corn flakes.

[Mr. Dick Purple]

This one I found in treasurechest forum.

Blond - mathic

[Evolution]

  The radio call in one was hilarious

[Sakib]

A man walked into a bar and said "ouch" (double meaning of the word bar gives clue to joke)

what did batman say when he was hungry?

Dinner Dinner Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner BATMAN! Dinner dinner etc. (For those of you hu know the batman 60s tv series theme tune, you know how its supposed 2 be said).

[$$$$]

Holy terrible jokes batman

[Markus Asraelius]

what women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

[Markus Asraelius]

Knickerless (This one is real grose.)

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[Markus Asraelius]

And finally:

Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[Sakib]

Holy terrible jokes batman

thanx.

another one.

there was a magical frog in a forest that lived alone for all the life he remembers (duzn't remember family or n e thing). Suddenly, he catches a bear chasing a rabbit and stops them.

"As you're the 1st animals i've ever seen, i'll grant you three wishes each" said the frog.

the bear's 1st which was "I want there to be bears in this forest that are all female but me"

the rabbit's turn was next and said, "I want a motorbike."

the Bear's 2nd wish was, "I want the bears in the next forest to all be female but me"

the rabbit's 2nd wish was, "I want a motorbike helmet"

Bear's 3rd and final wish was "I want all the bears in the world apart from me 2 be female."

Rabbit's final wish was, "I wish the bear was gay."

[Megaguns]

errrrr...... um  knock knock

[Jagged Little Pill]

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a crap and the bear turns the rabbit and says " do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur? the rabbit replies " no " so the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with it. ahahaahaha boy, im easily amused.

[Gunner80]

Mental Case Calling Card

If you are Osessive Compulsive: Please press 1 Repeatedly

If you are Codependent: Please ask someone to press 2

If you have Multiple Pesonalities: Please press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are a Paranoid Delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Schizophrenic: Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which # to press.

If you are Manic Depressive: It doesn't matter what # you press, no one will answer.

[Verse Chorus Verse]

Your momma is so poor, when I asked what was for dinner she set her pocket on fire and sang, "Hot pockets!"

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but she relizes that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"