The Joke Thread

[Eazy E]

Two guys are talking............

Guy 1: "The other day I had a slip of the tongue at the airport.  There was an attractive girl at the counter and I meant to ask for 'Two tickets to Pittsburgh', but I accidentaly asked for 'Two tickets to Tittsburgh'."

Guy 2: "Yeah, that happened to me the othey day too.  I sat down for breakfast with my wife, and when I tried to say 'Could you please pass the salt?', it came out 'You've ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

[Miss-Aussie]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

[Miss-Aussie]

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

[Miss-Aussie]

Sunday Morning

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it hadn't been for that damned Ice Cream Truck".

[ClintroN]

DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED

A women just gave birth to twins, but the 2nd was still being cleaned up. She ask's"i would like to see my 2nd baby now"
The doc. has a chuckle to himself and leaves the room. He returns with the baby but bouncing it like a basketball. The women is puzzled and says "be fuckin' carefull!!!!"
The doctor then says "here lady, catch" he then swings the baby towards the mother but it falls out the window behind her and falls 3 fuckin' storys down.........

"YOU SON OF A BITCH you just killed my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screams the mother
the doc replies......"April fools, it was already dead"

[ClintroN]

Elton came up to Goerge Michael at the restrant and says "hey Goerge can i push your stool in for ya"

[Miss-Aussie]

DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED

A women just gave birth to twins, but the 2nd was still being cleaned up. She ask's"i would like to see my 2nd baby now"
The doc. has a chuckle to himself and leaves the room. He returns with the baby but bouncing it like a basketball. The women is puzzled and says "be fuckin' carefull!!!!"
The doctor then says "here lady, catch" he then swings the baby towards the mother but it falls out the window behind her and falls 3 fuckin' storys down.........

"YOU SON OF A BITCH you just killed my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screams the mother
the doc replies......"April fools, it was already dead"

 That is so horrible.. 

[Skeba]

Aww.. come on.. The other baby survived, right?

[MikeB]

Q:How do you confuse a blonde?
A:trap her in a round room and tell her the credit card is in the corner.

Q:How do you make a blonde kill herself?
A:Place a mirror on the bottom of the pool.

Q:Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A:She missed the Earth.

Q:How come a blonde only changes her baby's diaper once a month?
A:Because it says up to 20 pounds on the package.

Q:Did you hear about the new pirate movie that's coming out?
A:It's rated RRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Q:You're a redneck if ....
A:you thought 5th grade was your senior year.

Q:You're an obsessed wrestling fan if....
A:you kept looking in the Bible for "Austin 3:16."

[ClintroN]

Aww.. come on.. The other baby survived, right?

now thats fuckin' horrible.



Q/ Whats the smallest muscle in a poofters arse??

A/ Goerge W. Bush's cock!!!


the otherday i saw this chinese guy walkin' down the street, i said 'what r' ya goin' to a BYO BBQ'

[MCT]

Knock, knock...

[ClintroN]

Knock, knock...

FUCK OFF!!!!


 

Na, who's there

[SLCPUNK]

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A Pokemon.

[SLCPUNK]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but
he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked
down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?" Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Again, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Buddy J.B.]

What's snoop dog's favorite weather?
drizzle.

What's one thing you'll never see a rapper do?
release a greatest hits album.

[2NaFish]

I've never really got a long with my dad, y'know?

Remember back at school when kids used to say, "My dad could beat up your dad"?

I used to say, "When?"




Tee-Hee.

[Evolution]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."




A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Kujo]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[jarmo]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.




/jarmo

[Skeba]

Jesus, all that sounds way too familiar.. I don't know if it's even funny..