The Joke Thread

[Narcissa]

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

I didn't get this, but I laughed anyway.

[Genesis]

Lameass thread. Can't anybody post any decent jokes?

and your side-splittingly funny joke was?

I didn't post any, but anything beats those knock-knock jokes

[Queen of Everything]

Lameass thread. Can't anybody post any decent jokes?

and your side-splittingly funny joke was?

I didn't post any, but anything beats those knock-knock jokes

Thats a gay joke, at least I laughed at the knock knock one...

[Kujo]

I was born via C-Section. I've had a normal life except everytime I leave the house, I go through the window.
- Steven Wright

[Narcissa]

haha that is gross.


Two blondes are in Australia, one turns to the other and asks, "Which is closer - London or the moon?"

The other replies, "Hellooooooooo, can you see London from here?"



A blonde calls to her boyfriend, "Please come over here, I'm struggling to sort this really difficult jigsaw puzzle!"

Her boyfriend asks, "What are you supposed to come up with?"

Blonde, "According to the picture on the box, its supposed to be a tiger."

Her boyfriend comes over to see that she has all the pieces spread on the table.

Then he says,

"I don't think you could form a tiger with those, so let's go and have a cup of tea ... and then we can put all the Frosties back in the box."

[Hammy]

WARNING! This may cause offence, for the easily offended close your eyes now



Q. What's 12inches long and drives women crazy?









A. Cot-Death

[Kujo]

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.

The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms?"

The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"

The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"

The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"

The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

[*Izzy*]

Heres a couple of blonde jokes:

Wats a blondes fav nursery ryme? Humpme Dumpme

3 girls are on the run frm the cops(a black haired,brown haired an a blonde haired girl) an they find three sacks so they hide in them. the police cum along an kick the first bag an the black haired girl goes wuf wuf so the police move on to the nxt bag presumin its jus a dog in the first sack,they kick it an the brown haired girl goes meow so they move on to the last sack an the blonde haired girl goes potatoes potatoes!

blondes are so stupid they made this joke up.

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

 
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a
really bad day when you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the
man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
my lunch hour
and caught my wife half-naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.

I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips
- the nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die.
This pissed me off even more. In a rage,
I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the
side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have
a bad day.
It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up.
The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe
this.
I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises.
Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over
the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,
started swearing, and stamps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell.
I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I
didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain,
I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony.
It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven"
and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,
"Please tell me how you died."

The third man says "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator..."

And this last one isnt really a joke its just kinda funny:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A T T I T U D E

1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And:

B U L L S H I T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.
 

These ones are good

  Izzy?

[Eazy E]

Q:  What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A:  Christopher Walken.

Q:  Why does white chocolate exist?
A:  So black kids can get messy too.

Q:  What's white and 10 inches long?
A:  Nothing.

I could go for hours with racist jokes... but here's my favourite of the dead baby jokes (*Warning, joke does involve a dead baby!*)

Q:  What's the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby?
A:  One's fun to hit with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.



... and a little something for everyone:

Two guys walk into a bar.  You would've thought the second guy would've seen it coming.

BA-ZING!

[*Izzy*]

This one is from jokes.com

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

  Izzy?

[Kujo]

I modified this one so we can all appreciate it.

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil, we will call this guy D. The devil told his demon to put D to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how D was doing, only to find D smiling and singing as he pounded rocks.

D explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on D, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. D explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for D to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find D miserable. But, D was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, D answered,

"Cold day in hell, Axl must have released Chinese Democracy!"   

[*Izzy*]

It's good, it needs some modifications though



A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil, we will call this guy D. The devil told his demon to put D to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how D was doing, only to find D smiling and singing a Bon Jovi song as he pounded rocks.

D explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity, because he did not want to hear another Bon Jovi song. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on D, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. D explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for D to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find D miserable. But, D was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, D answered,

"Cold day in hell, Axl must have released Chinese Democracy!"


  Izzy?

[Kujo]

Good additions, lets tweak it some more..............



A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil, we will call this guy D. The devil told his demon to put D to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how D was doing, only to find D smiling and singing a Bon Jovi song as he pounded rocks.

D explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity, because he did not want to hear another Bon Jovi song. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on D, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. D explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Kentucky. "Damn I miss those sheep, though." D thought to himself

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for D to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find D miserable. But, D was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, D answered,

"Cold day in hell, Axl must have released Chinese Democracy!"

[Jim]

Haha, yeah...Stop it.

It was a shite joke to start with. You can't make something that wasn't all that funny in the first place much funnier.

[MCT]

Haha, yeah...Stop it.

It was a shite joke to start with. You can't make something that wasn't all that funny in the first place much funnier.

... ...

Anyway, I'm a nerd:

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.

Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop.  All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer says, "Maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that's really the problem."

The software engineer says, "Why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

[*Izzy*]

Q.Why did the chicken cross the road?
A.Because it wanted to.

The following are from ajokeaday.com

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, ?That?s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
 
A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,? the female brain is less because it has been used."

Izzy?

[Doc Emmett Brown]

here's a pic joke

[Markus Asraelius]

3 Wishes                                         
                                               
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[Miss-Aussie]

HEY HTGTH MEMBERS?

If you have any jokes post them on this site, now i want to see some hell WHOOP ASS shit here.

ok here's it goes


A woman is looking in the mirror and she says "Im fat, gross and ugly"

She then turns around to her husband and says " pay me a compliment"

The husband in turn, looks her up and down and up and down again and says "well hunny there is nothing wrong with your eye sight is there"

[Miss-Aussie]

A newly wed couple went to see a marrage councellor, the councellor looked at the women and asked

" So what is the problem"

the woman replies

" my husband suffers from pre-mature ejeculation"

Well the councellor looked at the Husband as he sat there with a smirk on his face, and the councellor says

" really, is that true"

The husband looks at his wife and then at the councellor and replies

" well... not exactly, it's really her that suffers... not me"