Heres a couple of blonde jokes:
Wats a blondes fav nursery ryme? Humpme Dumpme
3 girls are on the run frm the cops(a black haired,brown haired an a blonde haired girl) an they find three sacks so they hide in them. the police cum along an kick the first bag an the black haired girl goes wuf wuf so the police move on to the nxt bag presumin its jus a dog in the first sack,they kick it an the brown haired girl goes meow so they move on to the last sack an the blonde haired girl goes potatoes potatoes!
blondes are so stupid they made this joke up.
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
heres sum more:
Bragging Fathers
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee
and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first
man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful
that he built a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his
friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded."
The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so
incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is
yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and is a go-go Dancer in a
gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not
totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.
His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a
stock portfolio."
> A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
> > a
> > very
> > attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at
> > his
> > watch for a moment.
> > The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he
> > replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
> > testing it."
> > The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
> > about
> > it?"
> > Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
> > The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
> > "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
> > The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
> > wearing
> > knickers!"
> > Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a
really bad day when you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the
man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
my lunch hour
and caught my wife half-naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.
I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips
- the nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die.
This pissed me off even more. In a rage,
I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the
side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have
a bad day.
It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up.
The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe
this.
I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises.
Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over
the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,
started swearing, and stamps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell.
I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I
didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain,
I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony.
It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven"
and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,
"Please tell me how you died."
The third man says "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator..."
And this last one isnt really a joke its just kinda funny:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But:
A T T I T U D E
1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And:
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%
AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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