The Joke Thread

[loretian]

Alright, this isn't really a joke, but it actually happened to me this morning, and I found it hilarious that my doctor would say something like this.

I went to my doctor this morning to get a few things checked out, and he was talking to me while some tests ran, and I was explaining that I dropped out of high school.  He started talking about how he wanted to write a paper about how smart kids get held back in school because of the stupid kids.  Then, he said... "Because, you know, the mentally retarded and Polish students hold everyone back."     He totally serious too.  Just blantantly and openly racist.  I laughed so hard.  The pharmacist I got my drugs from (he also happens to live in the same building I do, so I know him) is Polish and got a kick out of it as well.

[ClintroN]

Alright, this isn't really a joke, but it actually happened to me this morning, and I found it hilarious that my doctor would say something like this.

I went to my doctor this morning to get a few things checked out, and he was talking to me while some tests ran, and I was explaining that I dropped out of high school.? He started talking about how he wanted to write a paper about how smart kids get held back in school because of the stupid kids.? Then, he said... "Because, you know, the mentally retarded and Polish students hold everyone back."? ?? He totally serious too.? Just blantantly and openly racist.? I laughed so hard.? The pharmacist I got my drugs from (he also happens to live in the same building I do, so I know him) is Polish and got a kick out of it as well.

fucken hell man

Elton came home to his lover the other night really late.
His lover said 'ya been foolin' around on me havent ya'
Elton said 'how do ya know'
his lover says 'because ya came home the other night all shit faced'

[Danny]

Here's a joke for y'all:

Tyrod Vs. SLCPunk...round one

[ClintroN]

sorry about the Diana jokes but i know afew!!


What does DIANA stand for...

Died
In
A
Nasty
Accident

[youngerformofaxl]

Here's a joke for y'all:

Tyrod Vs. SLCPunk...round one

Yeah, it is. It's a joke because it was a landslide victory for my buddy SLCPunk.

[unoturbo]

A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.

The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".

The man replies "Right doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"

When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"

The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

[ClintroN]

What the smallest muscle in a sheeps arse....

John Howard's cock!!!





Superman's flyin' around town with nothin' to do, he's kicked everyone's arse so there's nothing at all to do.
All off a sudden he spots Wonder Women full naked in a glass house on the bed, she looks like she's goin' for it
Superman thinks to himself, hey, im the fastest man in the world, i could fly right by her, give her a quick one she won't even know about it!!!

1,2,3 He fly's right to her, does his thing n' fucks right off.
WonderWomen gets up n' says 'what the fuck was that'
then the Invisible Man gets up n' says 'i dont know but something has stung my arse!!!!'

[GypsySoul]

Three guys were sitting naked in a sauna.? Suddenly there was a beeping sound.? The German guy pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.? The others looked at him questioningly.? "That was my pager," he said.? "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.? The Japanese guy lifted his palm to his ear.? When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone.? I have a microchip in my hand."

The guy from Kentucky felt decidedly low tech.? Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.? He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.? He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.? The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.? The Kentucky guy said, "Well, will you look at that?? I'm getting a fax!"

[axl_rose_700]

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Wales?     A leisure centre

Why can you have driving tests and sex education in the same day in Iraq?     It wears out the camel.

what do u call an italian with a rubber toe?         Roberto

[Markus Asraelius]

I am just creating this thread and I don't know if it will become popular or not but it's for the sake of humor.

So, here's a joke I got from Jokes.com:

New Rules For Employment                                         

                                               
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:  We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of  sickness. If  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to  work.     

SURGERY:  Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee  here, you  need all your organs. You should not consider removing  anything. We  hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a  breach of  employment.     

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:  This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where  employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be  scheduled in  the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work  through your  lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided  your share of the work is done enough.     

YOUR OWN DEATH:  This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at  least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.     

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In  the  future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical  order.  For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will  go from  8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go  from 8:10  to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted  time, it  will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn  comes  again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time  with a  coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must  approve this  exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time  limit  in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will  sound, the  toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will  open.     

PAYCHECK GUIDE:  The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our  employees  better understand their paychecks: 

Item Amount  Gross pay $1,222.02  Income tax $244.40  Outgo tax $45.21  State tax $11.61  Interstate tax $61.10  County tax $6.11  City tax $12.22  Rural tax $4.44  Back tax $1.11  Front tax $1.16  Side tax $1.61  Up tax $1.08  Down tax $1.14  Tic-Tacs $1.98  Thumbtacks $3.93  Carpet tacks $0.98  Stadium tax $0.69  Flat tax $8.32  Surtax $2.23  Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23  Corporate tax $2.60  Parking fee $5.00  F.I.C.A. $81.88  T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95  Life insurance $5.85  Health insurance $16.23  Dental insurance $4.50  Mental insurance $4.33  Disability $2.50  Ability $0.25  Liability $3.41  Coffee $6.85  Coffee Cups $66.51  Floor rental $16.85  Chair rental $0.32  Desk rental $4.32  Union dues $5.85  Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77  Cash advance $0.69  Cash retreats $121.35  Overtime $1.26  Undertime $54.83  Eastern time $9.00  Central time $8.00  Mountain time $7.00  Pacific time $6.00  Time Out $12.21  Oxygen $10.02  Water $16.54  Heat $51.42  Cool air $26.83  Hot air $20.00  Miscellaneous $113.29  Various $8.01  Sundry $12.09  -------  Net Take Home Pay $0.02     

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to  provide a  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,  comments,  concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,  aggravations,  insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,  consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. 

Have a nice week.

The Management                                         

[Markus Asraelius]

Here's another one. It's great!                             

                                               
One day, a  little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."                                         

                                               
                                                                                         

[SLCPUNK]

Knock Knock.....

[*Izzy*]

Knock Knock.....

Who da fuck is there?

  Izzy?

[N.I.B]

Knock Knock.....

Who da fuck is there?

  Izzy?

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD.

[*Izzy*]

Knock Knock.....

Who da fuck is there?

  Izzy?

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD.

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD who?
 
Izzy?

[N.I.B]

Knock Knock.....

Who da fuck is there?

  Izzy?

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD.

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD who?
 
Izzy?

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD 'cause we ain't never gonna get it.

[*Izzy*]

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD 'cause we ain't never gonna get it.

Awww, ya built up my hopes, then you brought it all crashin' down?
Anyone have any other jokes?

  Izzy?

[N.I.B]

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD 'cause we ain't never gonna get it.

Awww, ya built up my hopes, then you brought it all crashin' down?

Hey i did exactly what Axl did 5 years ago.

[Narcissa]

Knock Knock.....

Who da fuck is there?

  Izzy?

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD.

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD who?
 
Izzy?

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD 'cause we ain't never gonna get it.

I laughed out loud at that one. For some reason.

[*Izzy*]

I laughed out loud at that one. For some reason.

Because it was funny?

I suck at jokes, so I'll just start another knock knock one....
....Knock Knock....

  Izzy?