The Joke Thread

[ClintroN]

Got any quick jokes anyone....

Q/
What old, wrinkly n' hangs out your underwear


A/
Ya grandmother on washing day


(dont read the next one if you are easily offended...seriously)




Q/
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common

A/
They both had a smash hit with the wall

[kj_jive]

There's a pirate with a huge steering wheel on his crotch.  I said, "Hey pirate, whats with the steering wheel?" and he says, "Arrgh! It's drivin me nuts!"








 

[journey]

That was funny, kj_jive.



"Musical Chairs"

Q: What did one chair say to another chair?

A: "Here comes another asshole."

[Captain Obvious]

Why do NFL players have red eyes afer sex?

Pepper spray.

[Eazy E]

Q:  What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?



A: Christopher Walken

[sandman]

Q:? What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?



A: Christopher Walken

that's freakin hysterical!


monica lewinsky is voting republican cause working with the dems left a bad taste in her mouth.

[Mattgnr]

What do you call a 3 legged donkey



Wonkey

[Evolution]

A young man was looking to sell his flat and placed a advert in his local paper. He received a few replies and began showing people round his digs. He ended this particular tour with a viewing of his bedroom.

"There's the bed........skylight..........erm......spacious..........and oh yeah there a built in talking clock" said the seller. His potential customer asked to see it and the man said "yeah sure just come back before dawn."


Sure enough the customer came back and asked again to see this mysterious clock.

The man hushed the customer and pulled out a baseball bat. He swung and knocked his bedroom wall hard 3 times in quick succesion.


Then from next door a angry voice shouted "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?? ITS HALF THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!" ......

[LeftToDecay]

Dead baby jokes!

Some of them are hillarious!..if you are a sick fuckhead able to laugh at dead babies, that is.

http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/dbj_006.htm

This is miles away from being a quick joke but it's fun so what the hell:
http://maddox.xmission.com/beat.html

[D]

SLC Punk and Gunnerdownunder were fucking in the shower when the phone rang.
Gunnerdownunder gets out of the shower to answer the phone. As he is getting out he tells SLC, "you better not cum till i get back". SLC says "i wont, i wont, hurry up!"

gunnerdownunder answers the phone and comes back to the bathroom, there is cum all over the shower walls, it is just covered!

gunnerdownunder screams "SLC, i told u not to cum till i got back"!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLC says? "I didnt, I farted!"


call me gay again SLC!

[Chris Misfit]

Ah man, you caught me before I even posted!

[D]

Ah man, you caught me before I even posted!

i had to take a double take!!!!! lol! i thought mycomputer was screwed up or something when i saw your initial signature!

[AdZ]

What do you call a rude boy in a suit?

Guilty.



Okay, so noone but the brits will get that.

[ClintroN]

(sic)

A fella was fucking a prostitute at the local whore house when all of a sudden his root started foaming at the mouth,
he ran down to the front desk n' said "DO SOMETHING, MY ROOTS FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!!!"

The front desk man turned around n' yell'd out "HEY BOB, PHONE THE MORGUE AND GET ANOTHER STIFF OVER HERE THIS BASTARD'S FULL!!!!!"

[matt88]

A Chinaman an Italian and an Indian were floating on a raft in the Indian Ocean.

A shark comes and tips the raft over and eats the Chinaman and the Italian.

As the shark goes to swim away the Indian says to the shark "Hey how come u didn't eat me"?

The Shark responds "Cos i had Indian last week and my assholes still burning"

 

[sandman]

john kerry walks into a bar.....bartender says, "why the long face?"

[Jaded]

THIS ONE IS HILARIOUS!!!!


There once lived a sex-obsessed couple who did it practically whenever possible, the woman was particularly obsessed... and one day her partner had to go away with work for a year or so... The woman knew she just could not live without well, you know, so she decided that she would just had to pleasure herself, so the minute he left she was down to the nearest adult shop. She wanted something different, she wanted something knew, she wanted something no other woman had, something that could bring her unimaginable pleasure without much work... and so she told this to the shop assistant.
"I think i have JUST the thing...." the shop assistant replied as she knelt down to get something from under the counter... and up she came with an old-looking wooden dusty box. She wiped the dust from the top and opened the lock. She lifted the lid and inside laying upon silk was.... JUST AN AVERAGE LOOKING DILDO.
"What?" said the sex-obsessed woman, "i have a dozen of them at home!"
"No!" the assistant replied, "This is different to any other sex-toy, this is a voodoo penis. Just watch.... VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" and with that the dildo left the box and flew over to the door and moved back and forth back and forth in the air. "VOODOO PENIS, THE BOX!!!" and with that it was back in the box.
"Wow!" the sex-obsessed woman replied! "That's amazing, i'll take it!!!"
"Ok $150 please, and remember to make it stop all you have to do is remember to say is 'VOODOO PENIS HALT!'"
But she was so excited that she wasn't really paying any attention at all...
She ran all the way home, burst into her bedroom, ripped her clothes off, layed on her bed and screamed with excitement..... "VOODOO PENIS, MY CROTCH!!!" and there she lay for 5 days having multiple orgasms, when suddenly if came to her that perhaps she should get something to drink or eat... but how to make it stop? "VOODOO PENIS CEASE!!!!" "VOODOO PENIS STOP!!!" but it was no use... she just couldn't remember the words! So she jumped striaght into her car and was heading for the hospital... she tried her best to keep control of the car but it was kinda hard to drive while having multiple-orgasms so she ended up crashing... Luckily there were two policemen nnearby who came to see how she was...
"And why may i ask are you naked?" asked the first policeman, so she explained the story of the voodoo penis...
"Voodoo penis???" replied the second police officer, "MY ARSE!!!"...........................

[Lisa]

Lesbian dinosaurs? Lickalotapuss
Homosexual dinosaurs? Megasoreass
What do you get when you cross a hooker with a rooster? a cock that stays up all night

[GypsySoul]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[nesquick]

la vache kerry 
(only for french)