jealousy in a relationship

[Sin Cut]

I was just wondering how you've dealt with jealousy in your relationships?

I'm not the jealous-type myself but here's the story

So I'm social and have a lot of female-friends and my new girlfriend is kinda jealous about it.
How do you feel if your gf hangs out with other guys as friends?
Or bf with girls, is it okay or a problem?

[Rain]

jealousy sucks ... it's not being confident about yourself.
My philosophy is ... if my partner is attracted to someone else it's high time to end the relationship, even if it's hard, it's time to move on. As long as he's staying means he's in love w/ me no need to be jealous then  

[Danny Top Hat]

if my partner is attracted to someone else it's high time to end the relationship

That's absolutely ludicrous.  I've been with my girl for two and a half years and love her loads, but do you really think I don't fancy other girls as well?  Sometimes I mention it to her casually ("shit, check her out, she's damn hot"), and sometimes it's better to just keep it to yourself and jerk off later.  Fancying other people is fine, it's cool.  There's no need for jealousy as long as you're honest with each other about these things.  Pretending you don't fancy other people is dishonest, and that breeds jealousy.

I used to get jealous easily, and i'm certainly not immune to it now, but i've grown up a lot and have realised that it really isn't worth the hassle.  Having a partner is fun, it's not something you should stress out about.

[Narcissa]

Yeah I get jealous, it's normal.

I would suggest your girlfriend increase HER social circle or get a hobby.

[Sin Cut]

Yeah I get jealous, it's normal.

I would suggest your girlfriend increase HER social circle or get a hobby.

well I was thinkin' I invite her and my female friends among others when I have my b-day party next saturday.

Hopefully they all get along

[Rain]

if my partner is attracted to someone else it's high time to end the relationship

That's absolutely ludicrous.? I've been with my girl for two and a half years and love her loads, but do you really think I don't fancy other girls as well?? Sometimes I mention it to her casually ("shit, check her out, she's damn hot"), and sometimes it's better to just keep it to yourself and jerk off later.? Fancying other people is fine, it's cool.? There's no need for jealousy as long as you're honest with each other about these things.? Pretending you don't fancy other people is dishonest, and that breeds jealousy.

I used to get jealous easily, and i'm certainly not immune to it now, but i've grown up a lot and have realised that it really isn't worth the hassle.? Having a partner is fun, it's not something you should stress out about.

It's alright to "fancy" other people that's not the kind of attraction I was talking about ... You just know it when it's not only for sex ... when you're driven to someone.  No need to be jealous either way ... I don't care if my man has a fancy for the girl next door, if he's attracted to her that's another thing, it means the relation between me and him has to end if he wants to start something w/ someone else.
But hey it's just me you live your life the way you see fit !

[Narcissa]

Yeah I get jealous, it's normal.

I would suggest your girlfriend increase HER social circle or get a hobby.

well I was thinkin' I invite her and my female friends among others when I have my b-day party next saturday.

Hopefully they all get along

I doubt it.

[Sterlingdog]

How to deal with it depends on the reason behind the jealousy.? Most people tend to go with the "she's just insecure" response to jealousy.? Sometimes, that's true.? In which case, she's looking for reassurance that you love her and only her.? Of course, there's a good chance you will never be able to reassure her enough, so you have to just decide if you are ok with her constant jealousy, because it won't go away.? If it did, its because she's getting the reassurance from someone else.

The other possibility is that she is, or is likely to, cheat on you.? People tend to suspect that behavior in others when they either do it themselves, or really want to do it.? A big sign of that is when someone who typically wasn't jealous before, out of no where starts accusing you of cheating.? If that happened, I'd get real suspicious of what they were up to.?

Just one more thought, you mentioned that you have a lot of female friends, etc.? Are you sure you don't really enjoy your gf's jealousy on some level and maybe even encourage it a little?? It can feel pretty good to one's ego to have others fighting about you.
 

well I was thinkin' I invite her and my female friends among others when I have my b-day party next saturday.

Hopefully they all get along

You are asking for trouble.? I hope you are prepared to take the blame for anything your female friends say that your gf doesn't like.? You'll probably be paying for that birthday party for a week at least.?

[nesquick]

"one love, one life..." , "love is a temple"...
( U2, One)

If you understand that, you'll understand what I think about that. I'm pretty "old school" on that point, pretty conservative. One love- One girl. When I'm with a girl, I just don't care of others. You can bring me a model...I just won't care. I'm NOT that kind of guy who is going to have sex with other girls. However when I'm "single", it's another story...
I think it's a question of maturity, and a question of respect: men (or women) who have sex outside their relashionship are extremely stupid. What a lack of respect..

[Narcissa]

so what do you expect him to do ? to just not invite anyone ?

invite them all and if the bitch can't handle it, break up with her.

[Jessica]

I used to get extremely jealous, insane jealous.

Why ? Because i'd been raised to think all men were cheaters and it stuck with me.
As i grew older, i noticed that a lot of men were indeed cheaters.

I did lack self confidence too, but as i was then very very pretty, i didn"t lack confidence in my looks or sexuality. Never really have in fact. No, i justk new how weak flesh could be.

I don't think jealousy comes from lack of self confidence. I think it comes from knowing yourself you might not be able to say no and transfering it onto your partner.

[Jessica]

PS :

All men i dated were always men other girls would have liked to have. They had lots of women around them. As i always had lots of males around me. I think it's hard if your man confides in someone special in the lot, because he then shares a part of him he doesn't share with you, but wanting to have all of the other and to know all of the other comes from control, not from love.

I love that saying in the film called " rising sun". Sean Connery tells Wesley Snipes a sentence, about his partner, some asian woman " If you leave the cage open, the bird always comes back".

Seldom true.

[Narcissa]

so is your cage open ?

[Jessica]

so is your cage open ?

Now it is.

I'm not a little girl anymore, i am a woman, going to be 30 and have reevalued a lot of things in my life, as well as love and sex.

What i ask of a man is to let me be as free as he wants to be. Equal ground. Communication. And taking the risk to be hurt. Which i didn't do before.

[Narcissa]

does "being free" = being allowed to fuck anyone you want .... or let me put it less crudely - an "open relationship" ?

[Jessica]

does "being free" = being allowed to fuck anyone you want .... or let me put it less crudely - an "open relationship" ?

No, being free means more than this. Being free to see my friends when i want without having to give a report as to where i was, who with and where and when, being free to leave home for a few days just because i want to, being free to ask someone to leave home for a few days because i don't want company then, being free to change career directions and income linked to it without feeling i have to justify myself all the time and feel guilty about having less money, and being free to be me, as weird as i am,. This means being free to be medium as well as a " normal" person, being free to talk to things some people can't understand. Not being judged.

Also being free to be openly bisexual, without having man asking me if he can share a bit or not, or totally ruling part of my sexuality out because he thinks it's being " unfaithful".

I was never unfaithful. Ever. It was against my morals. And it happened. Nearly 8 months ago now.

I hadn't been touched by the man i'd been living with for a few years. Untouched for 2 years. Platonic kind of love.

I met some guy, and the worst happened. I couldn't even choose between the two. How could this mean freedom ?

Nah, having a secret like this is not freedom, it's a cage, it's suffocating, lying is suffocating.

The only liberating thing was that going totally against my morals matured me. I discovered who i was.

But it happened with a lot of hurt.

As for open relationships ? Well, i am not against it, but my little " i want to be a unique worshipped loved princess" fantasy would have to then fade away, wouldn't it ?

[Narcissa]

No, being free means more than this. Being free to see my friends when i want without having to give a report as to where i was, who with and where and when, being free to leave home for a few days just because i want to, being free to ask someone to leave home for a few days because i don't want company then, being free to change career directions and income linked to it without feeling i have to justify myself all the time and feel guilty about having less money, and being free to be me, as weird as i am,. This means being free to be medium as well as a " normal" person, being free to talk to things some people can't understand. Not being judged.

what you don't want then is a possessive person.
Someone who isn't possessive wouldn't make demands of you, but you may find yourself making demands of THEM.

I think that had you been with someone unpossessive you would have employed your own inner possessiveness to drive them away.
Of course if you want to leave home for a few days, it's not about disappearing.
You let the person know where you're going so they don't worry.

But it works both ways I guess.

And it's kinda unfair to expect someone to just get the fuck out when you want to be alone.

Also being free to be openly bisexual, without having man asking me if he can share a bit or not, or totally ruling part of my sexuality out because he thinks it's being " unfaithful".
I was never unfaithful. Ever. It was against my morals. And it happened. Nearly 8 months ago now.
I hadn't been touched by the man i'd been living with for a few years. Untouched for 2 years. Platonic kind of love.
I met some guy, and the worst happened. I couldn't even choose between the two. How could this mean freedom ?
Nah, having a secret like this is not freedom, it's a cage, it's suffocating, lying is suffocating.
The only liberating thing was that going totally against my morals matured me. I discovered who i was.
But it happened with a lot of hurt.

Well this person was very unfair on you expecting you be faithful to them when they gave you no intimacy for 2 years.

Your going against your morals wasn't going against your morals at all.
Even though you could probably have handled it better [ie - broken up with the person before hooking up with the other] you did what was right, and moral for your own well-being I guess.

And I don't get why some people equate Bisexuality with promiscuity. That's their own problem though.


All in all the safest path is to value what you do have and not impose yourself on it, allowing it to celebrate you for who you are.

[ClintroN]

one night i was drunk as a fuck out in town with my misses n' mates, n' this arsehole start's crackin' on to my girlfriend, if the guy was being polite and walked away then thats fare enough but being a real slob to her n' tryin' to grab her is bullshit. So i bashed the living fuck outta this guy, im not violent n' never start fights but it was a one off 'cause i was fucking jealous. Later on my girlfreind? was kinda cool about it because she realized i was jealous, if i didnt love this girl then i would'nt get jealous, ya know what i mean.

Man, being jealous is normal, i hate it but no one can help the way we react to things.

I hate it when women get jealous over stupid things like when you'rhangin' out with a few chicks, im not sayin' all women but my girlfreind is definatly one of em'. 

[kira]

i never got jealous if my guy had woman friends i didn't mind because it is called trust and i trusted my guys but eventually now i know that every new woman friend i meet they will no longer be with my husband alone until  i know they are very trustworthy women. women can be stupid sluts with no brain and try to seduce another womans man because she can't get her own and find happiness or confidence in her self plus they have self esteem issues and just for the record for the ladies here  i'm not talking about all women just those who seduce other friends husbands i learned the hard way i met a friend and knew her for a year and she came on to my husband and seduced him trying to break up our marriage. i'm not saying it is all her fault because it was both parties fault but still you do not do that to your friend and she was both of are friend mine and my husbands but apparently they got to close so yes i have a right to not trust my man with other woman alone except for the one i know best and that is my best friend of all i have always left them alone and she never tries to seduce him. for she is married herself and she has been with me since i met my husband. i more less don't trust the friends that are single and so young this girl who seduced my husband was 19 and since then i don't trust girls that age anymore. now days people don't seem to know what a friend means and give the word friend a bad name. i do like meeting new friends who are women but now i need to earn their trust because of the whole shit that went down i used to be able to trust everyone i met now i can't and that hurts me deeply

[Sin Cut]

As Disintegration posted I can't just go pick some one out. "No, you're a girl, you can't come since my new gf wouldn't like it". I just won't go that road.

My girlfriends friend told me she's insecure because of my "reputation" whatever that may be. So with my femalefirends I've had some shit with them on a friendship-based relationship, but when dating I haven't cheated.

And as No6rt6ni6lC said she wouldn't be jealous if she wouldn't care so I try to understand as long as it don't go really twisted.

And if nothing happens with any of my friends, maybe she'll see there's not that much reason to worry?