Taking a cue from Sen. Bob Graham of Florida, Axl Rose
documents the progress being made on the latest album by
Guns N? Roses, ?Chinese Democracy?: Day 3,147
3:35 pm Wake up. Go to wig closet.
3:55 pm Select cornrows. Nearly picked fire-engine red
dreadlocks.
4-4:30 pm Take Botox injections and pluck eyebrows. Hit Stairmaster.
Make mental note to wear bandana when exercising to
keep sweat out of eyes. Hot pink.
4:30-5 pm Call manager. Arrange dates for upcoming tour.
5:05 pm Cancel tour. Fire manager.
5:06 pm So very cold. Like November rain. Wrap body in blanket.
5:07 pm Shake uncontrollably.
5:08 pm Vomit. Order more Tupperware containers. Get maid to
empty file cabinets.
5:09-5:45 pm Contact business manager. Discuss possibility of putting
sweat-stained bicycle shorts on eBay to cover recording
cost overruns. Starting bid: $10,000.
5:45-6:22 pm Debate where to eat.
6:23-6:42 pm Call therapist. She's says that in past life, approached by
Hare Krishna outside restaurant. He offered me a flower. I
took it and was run over by elderly man on way to farmer's
market. I'm afraid it may happen again. Under her advice,
decide to order delivery. Give therapist raise.
6:43-7:10 pm Search frantically for anti-bacterial handwash and latex
gloves. No luck. Despite reservations, pick up phone. Use
pencil to dial. Someone has chewed on eraser.
7:11-7:19 pm Rinse mouth with Listerine. Repeat.
7:20 pm Redial. With unblemished Q-Tip. On hold.
7:24 pm Discover that Planet Smoothy doesn?t deliver. Throw vase
and sulk in foyer. Question the safety of sitting underneath
chandelier. Move to dinning room.
7:25-7:26 pm Make obscene phone call to Courtney Love. Set up dinner
date for Wednesday at her place. Note to self: bring
diamond-studded kit. Extra cotton.
7:27-8 pm Retreat to flagellation room. 45 lashes in a half hour.
8-845 pm Write and send letters to the editor -- Kerrang, Creem, Hit
Parader. Signed, Ben Dover. He he he.
8:46-9:11 pm Go to Fandango.com. Buy advance ticket to Howard
Hughes biopic, "The Aviator." Get confirmation via email.
Should I be worried about viruses? Must buy disinfectant
for hard drive.
11 pm-2 am Play ?The Sims.? Threaten neighbors with lawsuits. Kicked
off game. Resubscribe under different name: Jeffery Isabell.
2-3:31 am Consult I-Ching. Learn that engineering a child-molestation
scandal will not revitalize career. Good. Scared of children.
They're walking petri dishes.
3:32-6 am Peer through Venetian blinds. Look for intruders. Repeat.
6:01 am Retreat to sleeping quarters. Whistle.
6:02 am Check under bed. Continue whistling.
6:03 am Look in closet. Continue whistling.
6:04 am Check under bed. Continue whistling.
6:05 am Pull blankets over head. Continue whistling.
6:06 am Call Slash. Hang up after first ring. Continue whistling.
6:06-6:57 am Listen to ?Appetite for Destruction.? Cry myself to asleep.
Chris Haire
chris@freetheseed.com
Author