Gn'R Reunion 2023

Got a bit inspired by a thread on mygnr.com so I wrote this little piece. Hope you enjoy it.

Reporter: This is the day the whole world have been waiting for! Tell me, how did all of this come together?

Slash: (Having problems standing straight) Yeah you know, I got a call from my lawyer....uhmm like a couple of weeks ago and he said Axl's team of lawyers wanted me to play you know.

Reporter: So you haven't acctually met Axl yet?

Slash: Yeah you know, I just wanna play man!

Reporter: Umm, okay. You have numerous times in the past called Axl an asshole and that the musical direction he was going in disgusted you. You were also sick of his dictarorish behaviour in the band. What has changed since then?

Slash: Yeah you know, I gotta call and you know I'm just really happy to be here, umm, I like to play you know!

(Reporter shakes his head and leaves. Slash, after a while, makes his way backstage)

Duff: Yo man, been a long time!

Slash: Yeah cool, umm, how much are we being paid for this? I need some more booze.

Duff: Dude, it's time you quit that shit, I've been clean since 94, never felt better!

Slash: (Finds a bottle of jack that Keith Richards left behind on their 37th farewell tour) There it is!

(Izzy walks in the room)

Duff: Izzbo! How the fuck are you, it's been so long, you look.....umm good.

Izzy: What are all these people doing here?!? I thought this was just gonna be us playing to an empty crowd! I can't take this, who's that guy over there, never seen him before, I can't take this anymore, give me some heroin right now!!

Steven: Suure mman (stutters)

Matt: What the fuck are you doing here?!? I'm the drummer of this band, fuck you!! I'm no additional musician, I'm important!!

Steven: I ccan pplaay too mmann, I'm nno addicct, I'mm aa ppersson!

(Brain and Josh enters the room)

Josh: Uhmm, is this the reunion thing?

Duff: Ehh yeah, who are you?

Brain: We're with Axl, he told us to play.

Duff: (Losing his calmness) What the fuck is this?!? Why wasn't I told? Where is Axl anyways? Slash did you know about this?

Slash: Huh? You know man, I got this call and, you know, I just wanna play man! Now let me finnish this bottle.

(Dizzy enters)

Dizzy: I've just ran from Axls house, he's gonna be a bit late.

Duff: Off course! What is it this time? A new lotion that needs 5 hours to kick in?

Dizzy: Hey man don't talk like that about my boss, Axl is the nicest guy in the world! I like love him, for real! He's coming later you know, he just had some finishing touches to do on the new album that's gonna revolutionize the music business, politics, love and like everything! Axl is like God man.

Duff: That's it, give me some of that Jack! (Pancreas explodes, falls over and dies)

7 hours later:

(Axl enters the room with 13 lawyers, 3 psychiatrist, 2 spiritual advisers, 6 hairdressers and 50 bodyguards)

Axl: What the fuck is this fuckin fucked up shit! Why is Duff dead?!?

Slash: You know, he drank some of this Jack, want some?

Axl: Why the fuck did you do that you stupid little hairball?!!? You knew he was gonna die if he had another drink!!!

Slash: Chill out bro', I just wanna play you know.

Matt: What the fuck is this Axl?!? Why are there 4 drummers in this room?!? I'm the drummer, I'm the best!

Axl: Fuck you Matt, the only reason you're here is if Steven ODs again and we need a replacement, and the only reason Steven is here is so that I can call this a reunion on paper and make alot more money. Brain and Josh are the ones that are really playing. I've been working on this new thing with multiple drummers, it's a whole new deal, gonna kick ass.

Matt: What the fuck, you can't do that!!

Axl: Don't you ever talk back to me, fuck you Matt, you're fired.

Izzy: (wakes up) What's going on? Man that was a good hit, the best. Thanx Stevie, guess I was wrong about you, you really are the key in this band. Ohh, hey Axl, friend, how are you.

Axl: (consults with the lawyer team) I can't answer that, I've put a confidentiality agreement on myself.

Slash: (Suddenly forgets everything that has happened the last half hour) Hey man, you're late again and now I'm drunk, I can't play now, fuck you asshole.

Axl: Didn't I tell you to shut your fuckin mouth? You're always drunk, you're gonna do as I say.

Slash: You can't tell me what to do!!

Axl: Acctually I can, you signed an agreement that signed over all your personal rights to me.

Slash: Whatever man, when are we gonna play, I just wanna play!

Axl: First you're gonna have to learn these highly complex songs that I wrote on like a thousands different layers on my superspecial revolutionary new songwriting technique that I learned to through years of self discovery and self realisation. It's about 679 songs that are being included on the 59 consecutive albums I'm putting out.

Reporter: And when is that gonna be??!!?

Axl: When it's fuckin ready!! Get out of my face you twofaced punk, get in the ring motherfucker!!!

Dizzy: You're so cool Axl, I love you man. You should put that in a song.

(The band finally gets on stage, watching a nearly empty crowd due to the the 176 hour delay)

(Nightrain begins and a diehard fan from that has travelled all the way from Finland starts getting excited and yells: Slash, yeah I love you!!)

Axl: Fuck you you fucking punk ass motherfucker, I'm Guns n' Roses and nobody else, I don't need this, I'm going home!