HTGTH posters GN'R outrageous story (fun topic)

[TIPSY]

Because of all the gay men chasing Axl he decides to hire himself a new bodyguard. He employs the services of Dustin Diamond (AKA Screech) and macks a pack to never leave each others side and they go off in a Bullet Proof Limo to meet up with LA Reed for mastering the New Album when...

their bullet proof limo breaks down.  Axl and Dustin are stuck on the side of the road (on the streets of LA) when Mysteron drives up, rolls down his window, and says.........

[Izzy]

...during their escapdes the Here Today Militia led by their terrorist leader Jarmo have executed the original lineup due to Axl's failure to agree to reunite. Finally free of the old band and celebrates by.....

[Mattman]

going to the studio to drink beer with the new band.  However, now knowing that the old band is indeed gone forever, Axl can't help but feel a little bored with the new guys.  These aren't the drug-addled rockers he once knew (forgetting that Duff does not drink anymore, Slash is clean, etc.).  Suddenly realizing that his new album and band aren't going anywhere, Axl becomes intent on drinking himself to death.

The rest of the band panics and run for help as Axl continues drinking.  At about 10 beers, Axl looks up through an alcoholic haze as the band runs back into the room with...Ozzy Osbourne.

Ozzy looks Axl up and down and says...

[insupportofaxl]

"Time after Time
  Line after line,
  You broke me"


Axl says, wtf?  What did you just say to me Ozzy?

Ozzy challenges Axl to a duel.  Axl declines because in his spare time, Axl only learned how to play pinball, not fencing.

Ozzy laughs and goes off into the wild blue yonder on his crazy train.

Axl mutters to himself, "there goes a true legend.  I should have learned from Ozzy".

Axl thumbs (hitchikes) back to his Malibu estate.  Sick of the new band, free of the old one, Axl decides once and for all it's HIS time to shine.

Axl starts work on the Axl Rose Solo Project.  Axl has to figure out how to play..........

[Mattman]

the violin.  A longtime ELO fan [by the way, I am NOT making that up, Axl decides that the Axl Rose Solo Project will enable him to bring to fruit his dream of recording an album with the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.

However, his ambition is thwarted when the NY Philharmonic decides at the same time that it is going to "go country".  Stuck without his orchestra of choice, Axl resorts to recording an album with Yngwie Malmsteem.  In response to the neverending Chinese Democracy sessions, the album is recorded live.  The resulting collaboration, Songs In The Key Of Hype, is slammed by critics, who write that it is "lost in a sea of neo-classical guitar solos, endless song lengths, and pretentious, pseudo-religious lyrics by Rose".  The album debuts at #67, right below Vince Neil's new live album, Vince Neil LIVE! (But Just Barely).

Crushed, and convinced that he is indeed a has-been, Axl moves to India and decides to learn the sitar from Ravi Shankar, becoming a born-again Hindu and vowing to devote the rest of his life to trying to attain nirvana.  However, he still has a habit of surrounding himself with yes-men and thus no one bothers to tell him that nirvana is a Buddhist concept.

Five years later...

[Doc Emmett Brown]

guitar like Slash does.  He picks up an acoustic and starts strumming.  Suddenly, a vision appears before him.  A ghostly apparition in the form of the late Izzy Stradlin who was viciously killed by rabid HTGTH members approaches him.

'I am the ghost of GNR Past', says Izzy Stradlin the ghost.  'Let me show you what once was'.

Axl is transported to another dimension.  The scene is 1986, a seedy strip club on the Sunset Strip.  GNR are getting ready to play.  Axl sees his younger self wearing assless pants and thong underwear.  He thinks to himself....

[Dizzy]

....I coulda been a contender, I coulda....

[Mattman]

the violin.  A longtime ELO fan [by the way, I am NOT making that up, Axl decides that the Axl Rose Solo Project will enable him to bring to fruit his dream of recording an album with the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.

However, his ambition is thwarted when the NY Philharmonic decides at the same time that it is going to "go country".  Stuck without his orchestra of choice, Axl resorts to recording an album with Yngwie Malmsteem.  In response to the neverending Chinese Democracy sessions, the album is recorded live.  The resulting collaboration, Songs In The Key Of Hype, is slammed by critics, who write that it is "lost in a sea of neo-classical guitar solos, endless song lengths, and pretentious, pseudo-religious lyrics by Rose".  The album debuts at #67, right below Vince Neil's new live album, Vince Neil LIVE! (But Just Barely).

Crushed, and convinced that he is indeed a has-been, Axl moves to India and decides to learn the sitar from Ravi Shankar, becoming a born-again Hindu and vowing to devote the rest of his life to trying to attain nirvana.  However, he still has a habit of surrounding himself with yes-men and thus no one bothers to tell him that nirvana is a Buddhist concept.

Five years later...

Axl decides that he has to make a return to music.  He decides to learn how to play...

guitar like Slash does.  He picks up an acoustic and starts strumming.  Suddenly, a vision appears before him.  A ghostly apparition in the form of the late Izzy Stradlin who was viciously killed by rabid HTGTH members approaches him.

'I am the ghost of GNR Past', says Izzy Stradlin the ghost.  'Let me show you what once was'.

Axl is transported to another dimension.  The scene is 1986, a seedy strip club on the Sunset Strip.  GNR are getting ready to play.  Axl sees his younger self wearing assless pants and thong underwear.  He thinks to himself....

....I coulda been a contender, I coulda....

came up with the idea for industrial and techno music FIRST and beat Nine Inch Nails to it, making GUNS N' ROSES the first successful industrial band!"
But before he can hatch his evil plan, Axl and the Ghost of Izzy Stradlin are joined by the Ghost of Slash.  "Axl," warns Slash.  "Do not forget the awesome power that may come from these instruments of GN'R Past..."  With that, he and the Ghost of Izzy whip out spirit guitars and begin to play an awesome song, one that Axl has not heard before.  But it is undeniably catchy, and very GN'R-ish.  He gets lost in the music...

Suddenly Axl snaps out of his trance.  He's on a street in Los Angeles.  "Axl," a voice says.  Looking up, Axl sees the Ghost of Duff McKagan.  "Duff?" Axl gasps in disbelief.  "I am the Ghost of GN'R Present," says Duff's ghost.  "Let me show you what is."  He gestures below.  Staring through the window, Axl sees the members of the new Guns N' Roses sitting around looking glum, as he sees himself barking out orders.  Robin Finck plays a guitar, and the present Axl listens intently before shaking his head and muttering something about it not being "quite right."

"But..." Axl begins...

[Izzy]

..now i have the ability to talk with ghosts and travel back to the 80's WITHOUT the help of drugs i will get things right from the start, first i will......

[RichardNixon]

go back to the year 1988 replace Jani Lane as the lead singer in Warrant, and will forever be known as the voice behind "heaven." All goes well and Axl is now immortalized in people's memories as being the guy in the matching white leather suit singing "Heaven." Axl even marries Bobby Brown, but then...

[Dizzy]

...even though Axl has found a soul-mate in fellow wife-beater Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston gets angry at Axl for stealing her husband, and she cuts off his...

[insupportofaxl]

...even though Axl has found a soul-mate in fellow wife-beater Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston gets angry at Axl for stealing her husband, and she cuts off his...

 

No Dizzy............Bobby Brown was a porn star.............

You have it wrong

Don't make Axl gay in this silly story

[liquidvirus]

...even though Axl has found a soul-mate in fellow wife-beater Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston gets angry at Axl for stealing her husband, and she cuts off his...

braids (dexter holland from offspring, again, plans to sue axl for copying "his new" hairstyle).
sensing another law suit coming axl calls upon yoda for help who.....

[Doc Emmett Brown]

Don't make Axl gay in this silly story

We made him have sex with Sammy Hagar in red jello among other escapades   This is a Freudian thread 

...even though Axl has found a soul-mate in fellow wife-beater Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston gets angry at Axl for stealing her husband, and she cuts off his...

braids (dexter holland from offspring, again, plans to sue axl for copying "his new" hairstyle).
sensing another law suit coming axl calls upon yoda for help who.....

tells him to make a surprise performance at the 2004 VMA's.  Axl thinks over it and says...

[Sin Cut]

...he'll do it, but only if they find him a real miniature fire breathing dragon to do the pyrotechnic on the 2004 vma live version of "coma" and a surprisingly fitting "Don't damn me" (with altered lyrics and claiming thereore it really is a *new* song), and so...

[Izzy]

..the show goes well - but then Axl realises he is still in 1988 - and the lead singer of Warrant! So if this wasn't the 2004 VMA's Axl wondered, where the hell was he? The answer was that he was.....

[Mattman]

actually a victim of psychosis and only thinks that it's 2004.? Nevertheless, Axl performs "Coma" and "Don't Damn Me" at the 1988 VMAs, and Warrant shoots to the top of the charts with its new, harder sound.? Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, a pop-metal band led by Jani Lane called Guns N' Lanes gets signed and scores a hit with its first single, the Lane-penned power ballad "Sweet Pie O' Mine."

Meanwhile, at HTGTH, Mattman is starting to lose his mind trying to follow this thread.? He goes upstairs to relax and listen to Appetite For Destruction.? However, when he picks up the album, he is shocked to find that...

[Dizzy]

...Jani Lane's pretty boy picture is on the cover where Axl's redhead skull once was.  Mattman tosses the album out the window, and upon the head it strikes none other than....

[insupportofaxl]

...Jani Lane's pretty boy picture is on the cover where Axl's redhead skull once was.? Mattman tosses the album out the window, and upon the head it strikes none other than....

Buckethead.....................

[Mattman]

...who, because of the alternate time line, is now a guitar teacher in a small Ontario town.? Mattman learns guitar from Buckethead and becomes a virtuoso.? With the original Guns N' Roses apparently only a memory, Mattman forms a band that rises to become the biggest band in the world and in doing so manages to accomplish what the "new GN'R" and Velvet Revolver in the alternate universe failed to do......makes the world safe again for rock 'n' roll.

THE END.