Someday it will happen. Hell will freeze over. Pigs will fly. Every star and planet in the universe will align in perfect harmony, and the original Guns N' Roses lineup will reunite for an album and a tour. Don't hold your breath just yet, but it's bound to occur eventually. The original, die-hard GN-fuckin'-R fans will accept no substitute. No Gilby, no Dizzy or Skizzy or Comet or Cupid. Just give us the original fab five who masterminded Appetite for Destruction.
Yeah, right. Hell really will freeze over before we ever see a reunion of the original GNR line-up. This isn't fucking KISS or the Eagles we're talking about here, this is Guns N'Roses, a band this writer obviously knows very little about. I might be in the minority on this one, but I don't want to see a cheesy reunion tour when they are in their 50s soiling the spirit and memory of once was. I'm fairly certain Slash, Duff, Izzy, Axl, and Steven would ever consider such a thing.
But a band is only as good as its frontman, and with Axl Rose long since having gone the way of Howard Hughes, Slash and his buds launched a lengthy search for a singer with an abrasive disposition and a great set of pipes. Enter Scott Weiland, the man who put the stoned in Stone Temple Pilots.
But replacing one of rock's most inconsistent frontmen with one of rock's most notorious fuck-ups might not be the smartest move in the playbook. After all, Weiland has been rehabbed more times than the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Of course, that might also make him the perfect choice for center stage. The STP belter has always been far more interesting than the other poor-man's Eddie Vedders channeling his pain in baritone. Plus, he's a genuine rock star: car crashes, drug busts, parole violations and more court appearances than Judge Judy just in the past year. Clich?? You bet, but it's refreshing in an era when the Perry Farrells of the world have traded sport fucking and heroin spikes for Pilates and wheat-grass juice.
Yeah, it's really refreshing to see a man destroy himself, really amuses you, huh? Weiland is trying to get his life together, let him be. And a "poor-man's Eddie Vedder"? Please, the rest of the world realized that wasn't quite true in 1994!
Velvet Underwhelmed: What the hell is a Velvet Revolver anyway? Wait -- don't tell me. Like Led Zeppelin and Iron Butterfly, the moniker denotes a heavy-light dynamic that underscores the group's propensity for sonic and behavioral extremes, right? Besides, Aging Leather-Clad Drug Addicts was taken already. By M?tley Cr?e. At least it's not called Weiland's Snakepit.
I think it sounds like a pretty good name for a rock n'roll band myself. Aging Leather Clad Drug Addicts already taken by Motley Crue? Sounds as though the guy was trying to cram as many insults - backhanded and otherwise - toward as many people as possible in the course of one truly pathetic article. How about being grateful that Slash, Duff, and Weiland have survived after living as hard as they did to be with us now.
Radio Ga Ga: Velveeta Revolver recently played an extra cheesy acoustic set on KROQ 106.7 in Los Angeles. The ragged performance showed VR to be little more than the world's most overrated, overpaid cover band. Redundant versions of STP's "Interstate Love Song" and GNR's "I Used To Love Her" inspired thoughts of the Gunners' disastrous punk covers album, The Spaghetti Incident. Di merda!
Uhh, first of all it was just a little radio set, and what the hell was so cheesy about it? And they weren't really "covering" anybody. Those are their songs, for the love of God. Furthermore, has this guy ever heard The Spaghetti Incident? Of course he hasn't. It's hardly a disaster in any sense.
Axl Syndrome: Weiland is already exhibiting worrisome signs of Axlesque behavior. Use Your Illusion featured "Get in the Ring," an enraged ode to music journalists in which Rose named names and alienated GNR from the national rock press. Maxim recently dubbed Contraband its album of the month, but Weiland took issue with the reviewer's "punk-ass backhanded comments" and posted a seething retort on VR's Web site. "Let's meet up face-to-face," Weiland's blog challenged. "And see just how 'boozy' I am in person -- when I get 'maniac' on your ass motherfucker!" Next thing you know, the guy'll be showing up three hours late to gigs and starting riots in St. Louis.
I admit I was a bit perplexed that Weiland got so angry over the Maxim review, but it did, indeed, feature "punk-ass backhanded comments" about his troubles. Weiland is no Axl Rose, though. Despite the notoriety surrounding his drug addiction, the man is not in hiding. He hasn't shown up late to any gigs or caused any riots. As a performer, he gives you your money's worth. During the 2002 tour, you never knew what you were going to get from Axl, if anything at all.
Snake shit: Forget gold records -- these guys' collective side projects haven't even gone tin. Slash's Snakepit was so bad it made The Spaghetti Incident sound like Sgt. Pepper's. Weiland's and McKagen's solo efforts were relegated to cutout bins within seconds of release. Anyone remember the Neurotic Outsiders? Loaded? Ten Minute Warning? Mad for the Racket? Didn't think so.
I'm about 99.9% positive this writer has never heard Slash's Snakepit, or any of the other projects he refers to. He completely ignores Izzy's solo work. I don't think any of these projects were ever released with the intent of selling millions of records. These guys all knew they weren't making the second coming of Appetite For Destruction on these projects, and never pretended that was their intention. Do artists have to go platinum everytime out in order to be worthy in this jerk's eyes? Hell, they were GNR (except for Weiland, of course, he's STP, a pretty big band in their own right), the biggest fucking rock n'roll band of the last 20 years! They don't need to sell a gazillion copies of a solo project in order to win some idiot writer's respect, and they don't need to prove shit to anybody.
Pig Fist: Having Matt Sorum on board does not inspire confidence. One of rock's most ham-fisted drummers, the bandana buffoon's lumbering stick work was an unwelcome contrast to original GNR drummer Stephen Adler. And Sorum's r?sum? includes Mr. Big and Slash's Snakepit. 'Nuff said.
I totally do not agree on this one. Matt Sorum is a terrific drummer who was a perfect fit for GNR when Adler was too messed-up to carry on. For that matter, I don't remember him ever being invovled with Mr. Big - say what you will, but they were a group of well-respected virtuoso musicians, and were very successful, so maybe this writer shouldn't be laughing so hard - and he never appeared on the Snakepit record, backing out of the project before it was recorded. Sorum's resume also includes The Cult - one of the most awesome bands of the past two decades - and even work with a young Tori Amos. The man is a total pro and a nice guy as well. The intro to "You Could Be Mine" alone, come on!
Mr. Anonymous: No one knows, and -- in a band full of stars -- no one cares about former Electric Love Hogs guitarist Dave Kushner. Being in a group in which Matt Sorum is way more famous than you has gotta be a humbling experience. Remember, Dave, there's always telemarketing.
The low-point of the article. Actually, Mr. Know-It-All with the witty one-liners, some of us actually do care about Dave Kushner. Velvet Revolver certainly does. They say he's their secret weapon, and I believe it. Like Sorum, the guy has played in a ton of projects in his day and is well-respected by his peers; you know, the people whose opinions actually matter. He certainly doesn't need to go into telemarketing, although the writer may be looking for a career in that field somewhere down the line. He's not going to go very far in life writing this sort of uninformed, smart-assed drivel (at least I hope not).
Axl still rules: Sure, he's a weirdo hermit who hasn't released an album in ten years, but at least he's kept busy in the studio and (mostly) avoided public humiliation. The running joke is that there will be democracy in China long before there is Chinese Democracy, the working title of Rose's long-delayed opus. But it might be worth the wait. Tracks from the Democracy sessions have been floating online for years, including songs such as "Best of Me," which are among the vocalist's finest to date. If the reclusive Rose can get his shit together long enough to release Democracy and complete a tour, he could regain his status as a rock god -- and leave Velvet Revolver dead and bloated.
Ha ha, "dead and bloated," yet another oh-so witty pun. What the hell is "Best of Me"? Did any sort of research or thought go into this article? Well, no, obviously not. What a total asswipe; maybe he ought to try stand-up comedy.
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