This is a letter I wrote called "Dear 1984." It's supposed to be something that could be sent back in time to anyone living in The United States in the year 1984. You may have seen it posted elsewhere on the internet, but I was the one who wrote it...
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Dear 1984,
Hello. I'm from the year 2006. Here are some warnings, tips and other things that might surprise you about the future.
In the year 2000, buy a condo in Florida. Sell it in the Spring of 2004 for three-times your money back, and then move the hell out of the State.
In November of the year 2000, we found out our vote DOES count. In November of 2004, we all went back to the realization that it really DOESN'T.
In the year 2006, The President of The United States is a "C Student," and says that our biggest threat is from tourists. (Wait a second... I think he said "Terrorists")
It still sucks to be an African American. (we don't say "Black" anymore, unless you're black)
The entire continent of Africa is dying of startvation and an incurable disease, but no one seems to care.
Shortly after most Americans were tricked into thinking they need larger, heavier, gas-guzzling automobiles, gasoline went up to over $3.00 per gallon.
In an ironic twist of fate, Americans GAVE our enemies all of the money they'll probably use to eventually destroy us in the years after 2006. (See above)
The good majority of Americans still don't know what the term "British Invasion" means. They THINK they know, but they don't.
Elvis is still dead, The Rolling Stones are still touring, and schizophrenics are still trying to kill The Beatles.
Most music sucks, but it's okay because it's sort of "Free." We only pay for concerts and merchandise.
Don't even get me STARTED on Michael Jackson. Just sit back and witness the transformation
The Earth is ruled by damn dirty apes. (Just kidding
)
You may have recently seen a movie called "The Terminator." The star of that movie, Arnold Schwartzenegger, will complete a successful Terminator trilogy and then become the Governor of California. (NOT kidding!)
Can someone in 1984 please find an up-and-coming actor named Tom Cruise and throw him in a mental instituion? And while you're at it, locate the nude, "Hairy Armpit" photos of Madonna and destroy them.
Don't go anywhere near downtown Oklahoma City on April 19th, 1995. And six years later, don't go anywhere near Manhattan's World Financial Center on September 11th, 2001
If you live in New Orleans, buy a boat or learn how to swim.
Don't let your children join the military.
According to the psychiatric society and drug manufacturers, everyone is depressed and can't concentrate on anything.
We still don't have a cash-less "Number of The Beast" society, but there are many things you CAN'T do unless you have a credit card.
Many people who have had their identity stolen or have been scammed of their life savings, are now wishing we already HAD the mandatory numbered account mentioned above.
We've learned by this time that the "Quiet" neighbors are the ones to worry about. Apparently they're either serial killers, planning to blow something up or are growing weed.
Don't bother becoming an astronaut. You won't get anywhere NEAR the moon, let alone Mars, and you'll probably die just trying to get in and out of the Earth's atmosphere.
If you can afford it, TV's are really big. But we still don't have moving sidewalks or jet packs.
Most people have a portable phone smaller than a pack of cigarettes. It doesn't need a "base unit" and can be used anywhere for an average of $40.00 per month. (With free long distance!)
We still don't have a computer wrist-watch. But that's because it's inside of the "Portable Phone" mentioned above.
There isn't enough room in this letter for me to explain the information super highway that we call "The Internet," except to say; Most people connect their home computers to it for free music and free porn.
We now have all of the evidence we ever wanted for the existence of aliens, but because of the capabilities of computers, no one believes the evidence is real.
Even though DNA testing is readily available, Death Row and Life Sentence inmates still can't prove their innocence unless someone pays for the six thousand dollar test. Most people don't know this, and assume that every executed inmate had their guilt verified where DNA evidence was available for testing.
2006 statistics show that 7 percent of executed death row inmates are innocent. Previous to becoming The President of The United States, our current President signed 150 execution orders while Governor of Texas. (The number you're trying to calculate in your head is about 10
)
Although unattended until something goes wrong, cameras WILL eventually watch and record almost everything you do in public.
The Bad News in 2006? Contrary to our late night TV commercials, there is still no cure for a man's balding or his "Size" problem.
The GOOD News in 2006? A man's "Stamina" problem HAS been cured, and the blow-up doll has almost been perfected. When you get "The Internet," go to
http://www.****doll.com
Even though the citizen voters of a State can still make something "Legal" in 2006, The Federal Government doesn't have to recognize the law and can throw you in jail.
Apparently, because automobile exhaust is "masked" from sight by a muffler, everyone was tricked into thinking that cigarette smokers are to blame for non-smoking lung cancer deaths.
Although they don't really care, most men look at large breasts and wonder if they're real. Also in 2006, some women don't even look like their high school year book pictures. This includes Michael Jackson.
Everyone is addicted to fattening foods, and they're all on a Holy Grail quest to find a miracle drug or operation that will enable them to keep eating.
Speaking of which; Apparently The Holy Grail is a particular woman's uterous, but we don't yet know who she is.
The TV shows Candid Camera and Cops created a monster, and as a result, the TV dial is RIDDLED with "Reality Shows." But most of them are crappy and aren't nearly as real as their predecessors. One of the better shows could be called "Ozzy T.V."
I look like the "Scream" painting...
Ba-Ba Boo'ey to you all... question everything and TRUST NO ONE!
Sincerely,
2006
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