Here Today... Gone To Hell!

How to Write and Cast Your Awful Film
No matter what kind of stinker your film is, getting it written, cast and purchased is easier than you think

Of the 1,500 low-budget films produced each year, the majority will never be picked up by a major distributor. Instead they will languish, unsold, at remote truck stops and swap meets, painful reminders of unfulfilled dreams and maxed-out VISA cards.

So how can the awful filmmaker avoid this bleak scenario and ensure his project catches the hungover eye of the B-movie distributor? Forget quality: The key to success is getting early "buzz." Just like the major studios need to create massive public awareness to ensure a big opening weekend, the awful filmmaker also needs to create buzz in the lower entertainment realms to ensure buyers will be salivating. As a specialist in this genre, I'm happy to make some script and casting suggestions that are guaranteed to move your DVD to the top of the slush pile:


Pad your script with shameless publicity hooks and blatant sponsorship possibilities
Assuming you actually wrote a script and don't plan to make up the plot as you go along -- a common technique in my world -- it probably still needs a little polishing. Most indie scripts are a predictable mess of tired clich?s, shameless rip-offs, go-nowhere plot devices, therapy session excerpts, and regrettable attempts at humor. Don't worry, all this can stay -- no need to compromise your artistic vision -- but it's necessary to throw in some publicity-driven "script brighteners" to ensure marketability.
The following is a publicist's "wishlist" for your basic awful film script:

1) Plot devices that utilize Yahoo's top-ten search terms. For example, toss in a scene where the main characters plan to kidnap Paris Hilton at a WWE event, and will only release her for a lifetime's supply of Viagra. (In addition to being timely, this scene will obviously drive traffic to your film's official Web site.)
2) A character that provokes a feud with a well-known rapper. Your film -- and the resulting casualties -- will be the subject of hip-hop mix tapes everywhere, thus saving money on costly radio campaigns.
3) Blatant sucking up to major entertainment magazines (Character A: "Wanna go out and shoot some hoops?" Character B: "No way. My new issue of Rolling Stone just came. I'm not going anywhere till I read the whole thing. God, it's SO cutting edge!" -- Camera pans Rolling Stone magazine cover featuring face of Jackson Browne while both characters eagerly flip through the pages, mesmerized).
4) Camera shots and plot devices involving every liquor on the market.
5) Having all your characters smoke.

Let's face it, liquor and tobacco companies are probably the only businesses around whose products can't be hurt by association with your film. But, only show the booze in flattering ways: you can't hit up Jagermeister to sponsor your Hollywood premiere if the lead character spent an entire scene puking it up. Still, you simply cannot have enough cocktails in the movie; a lot of time can be saved if you just shoot the movie inside a liquor store. Plus, Bill's Liquor Barn will probably provide daily catering if you mention the store often enough.


Cast cheap (name) talent
Even awful film distributors won't look at a film if there isn't "name talent" attached. (And, truth be told, most distributors won't look at the majority of films they do buy; that chore is reserved for the interns, who fast-forward through thousands of demo discs with their fingers hovering on the mute button, only stopping for scenes of topless women and cool explosions). Since most awful films initially have casts staffed entirely by volunteers, you'll need to dump your critically unacclaimed friends and go for the professional talent.
Unfortunately, few filmmakers have the money to pay the rates of the coveted A- through G-list actors, and when they do, these people are always strangely unavailable during the weeks you plan to shoot, and disappear from the continent the moment it's time to promote the movie. But there's another kind of "name talent" you can afford -- a type of performer whose massive fan base exists far outside the musty walls of the Motion Picture Academy. These are former reality TV stars, deadbeat children of A-list actors, incarcerated rappers looking for bail, MySpace celebrities, non-English-speaking lingerie models, and most importantly, the model-actress with a widely viewed sex tape.

This last performer should always get a major role in your film, as her fan base -- comprised of partically every male in America with an Internet connection -- is always on the lookout for new vehicles showcasing her work. Once you've secured your leading lady, simply select one additional performer from each of the above categories to ensure that every type of "niche" is catered to, and you've got your cast. (Note: using the non-talented children of A-list stars can result in some nice, safe press mentions, and occasionally, in a moment of weakness, mom or dad will agree to make a cameo appearance, which can also be milked, publicity-wise. So, put those rehab connections to work!)

Make the movie
Now that you've got that amazing script and cast all ready to go, the next step is to bombard the world with tantalizing press releases, promotional Web sites and sexy viral campaigns announcing that your film is currently in "pre-production." Then sit back and wait for the phone calls.

Oh, and one last thing: Don't forget to make the film. People actually have.