Here Today... Gone To Hell!

http://www.bismarcktribune.com/articles/2006/12/08/news/columnists/hagen/124820.txt



There is no democracy in China

Democracy is, of course, a slow process. Attaining democracy within our own country 200 years ago was a grueling process. And, as the news has shown us, bringing democracy to Iraq has been incredibly tough and has incited divisive commentary from columnists far braver than I.

I've strayed away from political subjects for fear of backlash from either side of the topic, because hate letters really seem to sour my mood. But, time to take a risk, by gum. I'm weighing in on how I feel democracy may never come to the world.

"Chinese Democracy,"that is. Twist!

Caught up in the hustle and tussles of the trilogy of holidays, Thanksgiving, Black Friday and, everybody's newest favorite holiday, Cyber Monday, you might not have noticed something that happened, or rather, didn't happen. "Chinese Democracy,"the album Guns N'Roses has been promising to release for about a decade, was tentatively scheduled to be released on Nov. 21. It was announced on several fronts, and the band's management refused to deny that date as the release date to Rolling Stone magazine, which, of course, can be seen as a near-definite confirmation. Maybe. 

Also, lead singer Axl Rose has said on numerous occasions that the album would see release in 2006, and an October press release from Rose's management said, "The only comment at this time is that there are 13 Tuesdays left between now and the end of the year."

Should you not be paying attention, those 13 Tuesdays have now dwindled to four, and the only thing remotely similiar to a new GNRalbum on store shelves these days is that Avenged Sevenfold band. They seem to really like bats and noodling guitar solos, the two leading causes of rabies worldwide..

There's a lot of GNR fans in this area, so I don't want anyone to think that I'm taunting this mightiest of bands. Not at all. It's quite the opposite, actually; I'm just as anticipatory for the album as anyone.

This album's become near iconic in status. Ihave an inkling that when the opportunity finally comes my way to buy the disc, I will probably feel a bit like how Indiana Jones must have felt when he retrieved the Holy Grail. Then, of course, the building will collapse once Itake the CD past the Great Seal, and I'llfall down a crevasse that opens in the parking lot of Best Buy. The perfect ending to a perfect life.

Guns N' Roses was the most authentic of bands when Iwas in fifth grade. While it was sort of giggle-inducing to see Motley Crue riding around on motorcycles and tossing knives into tables menacingly in the video for "Girls, Girls, Girls,"you got the feeling that the dudes in GNR were every bit as dangerous as they made themselves out to be in song. So, being a GNR fan gave you that wonderful feeling of empowerment that leads you to want to wave your balled-up fist at the world and scream, "World! You'd better give me my correct change on this Whopper, or I'm going to crack you with this half-filled beer bottle that I, conveniently enough, am carrying around in the inside pocket of this denim jacket!"

My first Guns N' Roses album was "Lies,"which is just an awful entry point into the band's catalogue, especially for a fifth-grader whose favorite song at the time was "Take Control"by Bobby Brown.

The album is remarkable on two fronts. One, the lyric "I used to love her, but I had to kill her" frightened me to my bubblegum center. I was younger then, so I hadn't learned to appreciate the subtle nuance of a murder ballad. I'm older now, and I'm now capable of deciphering fiction from reality to the point that I make far fewer anonymous tips to the police about Johnny Cash's involvement in the killing of some lady named Delia.

Secondly, "Patience" is a good tune, isn't it? I guarantee, you put me in a room with any enemy combatant locked up in Guantanamo for an hour, and I will drag every secret that Al-Qaida jerk has ever thought he knew, through the sheer power of annoyance that comes through me whistling the only part of the intro to "Patience" that I can remember, over and over in a loop. I am a good whistler and a true patriot.

Eventually, Igrew up and found my way to "Appetite for Destruction,"which is just about as close to a perfect album as you can get. Both of the "Use Your Illusion"albums are doubly dandy, and "The Spaghetti Incident"is truly bizarre.

But "Chinese Democracy,"first heard of in hushed whispers back in the mid-'90s, has earned the epic reputation that can only come through a 10-year buildup. It is an album so good that Rose has had to fire every single person in the band on several occasions throughout the years. They would not be able to handle its awesomeness.

This is an album that Brian May, of Queen, came in to provide a guitar track for, and Rose has yet to decide if he will actually use it. You know an album's good when the contribution of one of history's great guitar players is seen as optional.

This is an album so great that the band is now on its second tour to promote the album. Do you know many other albums that get two world tours to herald their release? Rose needs to tour the countryside and make certain that its citizens are ready for its majesty.

Apparently, we are not.

I'd like to point out that there are 160 Tuesdays left in this decade. Please, heavens, may one of these Tuesdays bring "Democracy"to the masses.

(Reach columnist Kelly Hagen at 250-8259 or kelly.hagen@;bismarcktribune.com. His column runs on Fridays.)

That was pretty funny

That was a a great article.

That's what ye get...hehe.

Had to fire them cause they couldnt handle its awesomeness! hahahaha

Great writer.

funny as hell. :rofl:
i liked the part about brian may being just an option :hihi:

best article I've read in a while..bring on Dec. 19 baby

Haha...best CD related article ever!  :rofl:

this is very funny  :hihi:

Great article. He managed to praise and jab Axl at the same time :hihi:

That was written like a real gnr fan. CD needs 2 world tours to get people ready for it!

Cool and funny article, I'm going to print or save it because it's probably gonna be deleted. ?:peace:

Nice, pretty funny too.  I think he'd have better success in Guantanamo if he just played Cher on a loop instead :drool:

Good point.     :beer:

very cool read..thanks

Very cool article...thats how I felt when I was 14 and Appetite came out..."empowerment"  : ok:

That was a great read. Reminded me of when I saw GNR with my mother of all people... 88 I think it was I remember thinking how it looked so much different from when we would go to games in that place. haha GNR was a good first concert. Especially for a 7 year old taking piano lessons made me wanna play guitar..

good read, thanks   :peace:

h?h? yes cool one.

 Whoa,man. That was a great article!  : ok:  I gotta e-mail that guy and tell him myself. A lot of truth in there,all of our sentiments from this board,wrapped in humor.

One of my favorite parts (there were so many-Best Buy part was great!) was:
 "World! You'd better give me my correct change on this Whopper, or I'm going to crack you with this half-filled beer bottle that I, conveniently enough, am carrying around in the inside pocket of this denim jacket!"

? As Mr. Burns would say "High-larious!" :hihi:

Gn'R made me feel empowered too. My little 10 year old ass became stronger after hearing AFD,especially from "It's So Easy".

 Probably the best article yet that empathizes with our plight because it is also his,all the while being a great and funny read! Good job Kelly!

? ?MATT

This is the kind of "negativity" I like (though the majority of this was very positive): humorous and respectful.  The author clearly loves GNR, has nothing personal against the idea of new band members, and seems to have fun with the whole thing.  And, it's a fun read.

Rich in humour weak in substance. What this writer really wants to say is pretty unclear to me.


Really? People are not ready for democracy that the third pre release world tour will be necessary? Or more?

Very funny article, full of the sarcastic wit I like. : ok: