Here Today... Gone To Hell!

Got any quick jokes anyone.... :hihi:

Q/
What old, wrinkly n' hangs out your underwear


A/
Ya grandmother on washing day


(dont read the next one if you are easily offended...seriously)




Q/
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common

A/
They both had a smash hit with the wall

There's a pirate with a huge steering wheel on his crotch.  I said, "Hey pirate, whats with the steering wheel?" and he says, "Arrgh! It's drivin me nuts!"








 :-[

That was funny, kj_jive.



"Musical Chairs"

Q: What did one chair say to another chair?

A: "Here comes another asshole."

Why do NFL players have red eyes afer sex?

Pepper spray.

Q:  What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?



A: Christopher Walken

that's freakin hysterical!


monica lewinsky is voting republican cause working with the dems left a bad taste in her mouth.

What do you call a 3 legged donkey



Wonkey

A young man was looking to sell his flat and placed a advert in his local paper. He received a few replies and began showing people round his digs. He ended this particular tour with a viewing of his bedroom.

"There's the bed........skylight..........erm......spacious..........and oh yeah there a built in talking clock" said the seller. His potential customer asked to see it and the man said "yeah sure just come back before dawn."


Sure enough the customer came back and asked again to see this mysterious clock.

The man hushed the customer and pulled out a baseball bat. He swung and knocked his bedroom wall hard 3 times in quick succesion.


Then from next door a angry voice shouted "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?? ITS HALF THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!" ......

Dead baby jokes!

Some of them are hillarious!..if you are a sick fuckhead able to laugh at dead babies, that is.

http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/dbj_006.htm

This is miles away from being a quick joke but it's fun so what the hell:
http://maddox.xmission.com/beat.html

SLC Punk and Gunnerdownunder were fucking in the shower when the phone rang.
Gunnerdownunder gets out of the shower to answer the phone. As he is getting out he tells SLC, "you better not cum till i get back". SLC says "i wont, i wont, hurry up!"

gunnerdownunder answers the phone and comes back to the bathroom, there is cum all over the shower walls, it is just covered!

gunnerdownunder screams "SLC, i told u not to cum till i got back"!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLC says? "I didnt, I farted!" :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


call me gay again SLC! :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

Ah man, you caught me before I even posted! ;D

i had to take a double take!!!!! lol! i thought mycomputer was screwed up or something when i saw your initial signature! :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

What do you call a rude boy in a suit?

Guilty.



Okay, so noone but the brits will get that.

(sic)

A fella was fucking a prostitute at the local whore house when all of a sudden his root started foaming at the mouth,
he ran down to the front desk n' said "DO SOMETHING, MY ROOTS FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!!!"

The front desk man turned around n' yell'd out "HEY BOB, PHONE THE MORGUE AND GET ANOTHER STIFF OVER HERE THIS BASTARD'S FULL!!!!!"

A Chinaman an Italian and an Indian were floating on a raft in the Indian Ocean.

A shark comes and tips the raft over and eats the Chinaman and the Italian.

As the shark goes to swim away the Indian says to the shark "Hey how come u didn't eat me"?

The Shark responds "Cos i had Indian last week and my assholes still burning"

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

john kerry walks into a bar.....bartender says, "why the long face?"

THIS ONE IS HILARIOUS!!!!


There once lived a sex-obsessed couple who did it practically whenever possible, the woman was particularly obsessed... and one day her partner had to go away with work for a year or so... The woman knew she just could not live without well, you know, so she decided that she would just had to pleasure herself, so the minute he left she was down to the nearest adult shop. She wanted something different, she wanted something knew, she wanted something no other woman had, something that could bring her unimaginable pleasure without much work... and so she told this to the shop assistant.
"I think i have JUST the thing...." the shop assistant replied as she knelt down to get something from under the counter... and up she came with an old-looking wooden dusty box. She wiped the dust from the top and opened the lock. She lifted the lid and inside laying upon silk was.... JUST AN AVERAGE LOOKING DILDO.
"What?" said the sex-obsessed woman, "i have a dozen of them at home!"
"No!" the assistant replied, "This is different to any other sex-toy, this is a voodoo penis. Just watch.... VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" and with that the dildo left the box and flew over to the door and moved back and forth back and forth in the air. "VOODOO PENIS, THE BOX!!!" and with that it was back in the box.
"Wow!" the sex-obsessed woman replied! "That's amazing, i'll take it!!!"
"Ok $150 please, and remember to make it stop all you have to do is remember to say is 'VOODOO PENIS HALT!'"
But she was so excited that she wasn't really paying any attention at all...
She ran all the way home, burst into her bedroom, ripped her clothes off, layed on her bed and screamed with excitement..... "VOODOO PENIS, MY CROTCH!!!" and there she lay for 5 days having multiple orgasms, when suddenly if came to her that perhaps she should get something to drink or eat... but how to make it stop???? "VOODOO PENIS CEASE!!!!" "VOODOO PENIS STOP!!!" but it was no use... she just couldn't remember the words! So she jumped striaght into her car and was heading for the hospital... she tried her best to keep control of the car but it was kinda hard to drive while having multiple-orgasms so she ended up crashing... Luckily there were two policemen nnearby who came to see how she was...
"And why may i ask are you naked?" asked the first policeman, so she explained the story of the voodoo penis...
"Voodoo penis???" replied the second police officer, "MY ARSE!!!"...........................

Lesbian dinosaurs? Lickalotapuss
Homosexual dinosaurs? Megasoreass
What do you get when you cross a hooker with a rooster? a cock that stays up all night ;D

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

la vache kerry  :hihi:
(only for french)

Alright, this isn't really a joke, but it actually happened to me this morning, and I found it hilarious that my doctor would say something like this.

I went to my doctor this morning to get a few things checked out, and he was talking to me while some tests ran, and I was explaining that I dropped out of high school.  He started talking about how he wanted to write a paper about how smart kids get held back in school because of the stupid kids.  Then, he said... "Because, you know, the mentally retarded and Polish students hold everyone back."   :hihi:  He totally serious too.  Just blantantly and openly racist.  I laughed so hard.  The pharmacist I got my drugs from (he also happens to live in the same building I do, so I know him) is Polish and got a kick out of it as well.

fucken hell man :hihi:

Elton came home to his lover the other night really late.
His lover said 'ya been foolin' around on me havent ya'
Elton said 'how do ya know'
his lover says 'because ya came home the other night all shit faced'

Here's a joke for y'all:

Tyrod Vs. SLCPunk...round one

sorry about the Diana jokes but i know afew!!


What does DIANA stand for...

Died
In
A
Nasty
Accident

Yeah, it is. It's a joke because it was a landslide victory for my buddy SLCPunk. : ok:

A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.

The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".

The man replies "Right doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"

When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"

The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

What the smallest muscle in a sheeps arse....

John Howard's cock!!!





Superman's flyin' around town with nothin' to do, he's kicked everyone's arse so there's nothing at all to do.
All off a sudden he spots Wonder Women full naked in a glass house on the bed, she looks like she's goin' for it : ok: : ok:
Superman thinks to himself, hey, im the fastest man in the world, i could fly right by her, give her a quick one she won't even know about it!!! :peace:

1,2,3 He fly's right to her, does his thing n' fucks right off.
WonderWomen gets up n' says 'what the fuck was that'
then the Invisible Man gets up n' says 'i dont know but something has stung my arse!!!!'

Three guys were sitting naked in a sauna.? Suddenly there was a beeping sound.? The German guy pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.? The others looked at him questioningly.? "That was my pager," he said.? "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.? The Japanese guy lifted his palm to his ear.? When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone.? I have a microchip in my hand."

The guy from Kentucky felt decidedly low tech.? Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.? He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.? He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.? The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.? The Kentucky guy said, "Well, will you look at that?? I'm getting a fax!"

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Wales?     A leisure centre

Why can you have driving tests and sex education in the same day in Iraq?     It wears out the camel.

what do u call an italian with a rubber toe?         Roberto

I am just creating this thread and I don't know if it will become popular or not but it's for the sake of humor.

So, here's a joke I got from Jokes.com:

New Rules For Employment                                         

                                               
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:  We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of  sickness. If  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to  work.     

SURGERY:  Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee  here, you  need all your organs. You should not consider removing  anything. We  hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a  breach of  employment.     

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:  This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where  employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be  scheduled in  the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work  through your  lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided  your share of the work is done enough.     

YOUR OWN DEATH:  This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at  least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.     

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In  the  future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical  order.  For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will  go from  8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go  from 8:10  to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted  time, it  will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn  comes  again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time  with a  coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must  approve this  exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time  limit  in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will  sound, the  toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will  open.     

PAYCHECK GUIDE:  The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our  employees  better understand their paychecks: 

Item Amount  Gross pay $1,222.02  Income tax $244.40  Outgo tax $45.21  State tax $11.61  Interstate tax $61.10  County tax $6.11  City tax $12.22  Rural tax $4.44  Back tax $1.11  Front tax $1.16  Side tax $1.61  Up tax $1.08  Down tax $1.14  Tic-Tacs $1.98  Thumbtacks $3.93  Carpet tacks $0.98  Stadium tax $0.69  Flat tax $8.32  Surtax $2.23  Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23  Corporate tax $2.60  Parking fee $5.00  F.I.C.A. $81.88  T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95  Life insurance $5.85  Health insurance $16.23  Dental insurance $4.50  Mental insurance $4.33  Disability $2.50  Ability $0.25  Liability $3.41  Coffee $6.85  Coffee Cups $66.51  Floor rental $16.85  Chair rental $0.32  Desk rental $4.32  Union dues $5.85  Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77  Cash advance $0.69  Cash retreats $121.35  Overtime $1.26  Undertime $54.83  Eastern time $9.00  Central time $8.00  Mountain time $7.00  Pacific time $6.00  Time Out $12.21  Oxygen $10.02  Water $16.54  Heat $51.42  Cool air $26.83  Hot air $20.00  Miscellaneous $113.29  Various $8.01  Sundry $12.09  -------  Net Take Home Pay $0.02     

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to  provide a  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,  comments,  concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,  aggravations,  insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,  consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. 

Have a nice week.

The Management                                         

Here's another one. It's great!                             

                                               
One day, a  little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."                                         

                                               
                                                                                         

Knock Knock.....

Who da fuck is there?

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD.

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD who?
 
:smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Axl holding a Chinese Democracy CD 'cause we ain't never gonna get it.

Awww, ya built up my hopes, then you brought it all crashin' down? :(
Anyone have any other jokes?

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Hey i did exactly what Axl did 5 years ago.

I laughed out loud at that one. For some reason.

Because it was funny? : ok:

I suck at jokes, so I'll just start another knock knock one....
....Knock Knock....

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Who's there?

Here's a blonde joke (I know a few jokes):

What will a blonde say when you tell her she's pregnant?

Answer: Is it mine?

hahaha mark, that was great.

Izzy, who's there ?

A blonde*

*_{I'm not a blonde though ?: ok:}


This jokes stupid but it's all I can think of now:
Q. What did the blonde invent
A. The glass hammer

I warned you that my jokes suck

 :smoking: Izzy ?:smoking:

that knock knock one definitely sucked balls, I have to say



Q - A black guy and a latino guy are in a car. Who's driving ?

A - The cops.

Youre supposed to reply to the Knock Knock jokes, not post racist ones? : ok: But since you got to do a racist one so do I:
Q. What do ya do if you see a white man running through you're garden bleeding?
A. Reload

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Those aren't racist jokes. They're race-related jokes.

Most of them were made up by the people in them.
I got that cops joke from Assault on Precinct 13, and it was told by a Latino guy, to a black guy.

alright alright

How do you get 100 Jews in a car? Throw in a Quarter
How do you get 100 Jews out? Tell 'em Hitlers driving.

Q:Whats a Jew's biggest delima?
A: Free Pork

and one more.....

Q:How do you get 3 gays guys to sit on a bar stool?
A: Turn it upsidedown.

I always found this joke to be a tad mean:

Q.How do you tire an orphan
A. Tell him/her to clap handys clap handys till daddy comes home

I didn't know what an orphan was when I was told this... :hihi:
 
:smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

I don't think this isn't tecniqually a joke cos the punchline is only funny cos it's definetly not a punch line. Confused? read on....


This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll
have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't
help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy
goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?'
And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when
I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd
like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie
waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the
genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with
$1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every
time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says:
'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For
my third wish , and I regret saying this now , I'd like half my head to be a
big orange.'


I giggled for good ten minutes the first time i heard it, and still smile whenever i hear it.

that is piss-funny. Some girl told it to me in High school and I nearly died laughing.

No one ever gets it when I tell it though.

i read it three times and i still dont get it  ???

I don't think I get it, but I still find it damn funny ?: ok:

 :smoking: Izzy ?:smoking:

there's nothing to get. Basically, everyone is expecting some weird, wonderful and ultimately funny reason for half his head being an orange and it turns out the real reason reason is that he just asked for it.

It's sort of like the inversion of the classic "twelve inch pianist" joke.

k i got a good one

a man and his wife where in Isreal taking a vacation with his mother-in-law. suddenly his mother-in-law died and they had to bury her. The man was offered a $200 buriel there or $1000 shipment back to his home and buriel there. the man chose the $1000 burial. When asked why he did that, the man replaied "Look. 2000 years ago you buried a man here and he came back from the dead. i can't afford that happening with her"

ahaha !

an american, an irishman and an englishman walk into a bar and the barman says "What the hell is this? Some kind of joke?"



An american, and irishman and a scotsman are on top of the empire state building after a night of drinking. The yank turns to the irish guy and says "i bet you can jump off of this, circle round it a few times and land back on the top". The irish guy replies "Fuck off. I may be irish, but i'm not that dumb".

So the american jumps off, circles around it and lands back on top. The irishman, not wanting to be shown up, jumps off and plummets to his death. The scot turns to the american and says "You can be a right bastard when you're drunk, Superman".

That's funny because us Irish actually don't like to be outdone? ;D Fuck Superman

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

lmao  :rofl:

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done..."


A woman comes home with a duck under her arm.? Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".

"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies

"I was talking to the duck."


A chicken and egg have sex. Afterwards, the chicken lies around smoking a cigarette, looking very sullen.
"What's wrong?" asks the egg.
The chicken replies, "You came first."


Q: What is the most difficult part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents you're gay

Q: What do you call a Russian prostitute?
A: Onya Backyabitch

Go fuck yourself.... :hihi:

I'm gonna change that to skateboardin' to try and piss off the skaters or the gays, either way ?: ok:

 :smoking: Izzy ?:smoking:

Tell that to a parent of a gay skater if you really wanna piss somebody off.

Go fuck yourself who?

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

ok, i'll try to translate a french one in english ....
***

so there's that girl at the supermarket and she is in the line to pay.
Here goes her turn, she puts down her groceries : one orange, one slice of pizza, one yogurt, one piece of meat, one small water bottle ...
Then the cashier, a man, looks at her and smile :
- you're alone, aren't ya ?
- yes, how do you know that ?
- oh, that's because you're ugly.



* sorry, in french it's funny *

LMAO  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I almost cry with this joke

Here's mine

Jesus was in his convertible with Peter (dunno if is call Peter in english, so whatever) then after going the express way jesus pass a red light and hit a man, Peter said, master, you just hit a man, Jesus told him, settle down Peter I'll know what to do, so Jesus aproach to the man and said: "Lazarus get up and walk" (I dont know if the bible in english said this words but anyway), so nothing happened, then again jesus said with higher voice Lazarus get up and walk!! nothing happened, Jesus looks at Peter and once againg he said Lazarus get up and walk, nothing happened, so Jesus seeks for his wallet and told Peter, fuck, it's not Lazarus lets get the fuck outta here.  :peace:

It's better in spanish  :-[

Here's a good lawyer joke:
                                               
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass  He told the driver to stop.  He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". 

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."                                         

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ;D thats the BEST joke!!!!!!!

join the club.... ???

It's just the fact that he wished for half his head to be an orange that's funny? : ok:

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

ooohhhh, right?? Well:

Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?

A: Somone Threw a refrigerator at him!!!!!

I Laughed until I cried, i dont care if no-one else did.

Hands up if you've reached puberty yet...

The orange jokes rules, but only the second time of hearing. The humour is in that it mocks convention...

The "Axl holding Chinese Democracy" is so fucking bad I want the person who made it banned, as well as any of you who laughed. People who make shit jokes piss me off, and people who find them really funny piss me off even more.

Opinion? I don't care. I know what's funny, not a lot of you do.

The Young Ones. Now that's funny.

I think reading other threads on here is funnier than reading this one

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

I haven't laughed so hard since reading some of the reviews of Contraband on this board, i fell straight off my chair :hihi:

Okay, this is a joke my grandma told me:

3 People (2 Men and 1 Women) were trying to join the FBI. So, as part of their training, the boss told the 1st man to go into his house and kill his wife.

After about 6 minutes, he came out and said he coulden't do it.

They asked the 2nd man to do it and the same thing happened.

So, they told the woman to go grab the gun and kill her husband. So, she goes into the house. After about 5 minutes, they hear 6 gunshots. 20 Minutes later, she comes out and says "The bullets in the dam gun were blanks so I had to beat him to death." :hihi:

Lameass thread. :P Can't anybody post any decent jokes?

Sry you didnt fine it funny   ::)
The reason i made it cuz its sad but true  :no:

Heres a couple of blonde jokes:

Wats a blondes fav nursery ryme?    Humpme Dumpme

3 girls are on the run frm the cops(a black haired,brown haired an a blonde haired girl) an they find three sacks so they hide in them. the police cum along an kick the first bag an the black haired girl goes wuf wuf so the police move on to the nxt bag presumin its jus a dog in the first sack,they kick it an the brown haired girl goes meow so they move on to the last sack an the blonde haired girl goes potatoes potatoes!

blondes are so stupid they made this joke up.

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

heres sum more:

Bragging Fathers
 
Four men went golfing one day.  Three of them headed to the first tee
and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
 
The three men started talking and  bragging about their sons. The first
man told the others, "My son is a  home builder, and he is so successful
that he built a friend a new home  for free. Just gave it to him!"
 
The  second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line  dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his
friends a new  Mercedes, fully "loaded."
 
The third  man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so
incredibly well  that he gave his friend an entire  portfolio."
 
The fourth man joined  them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of  business.
The first man mentioned,  "We were just talking about our sons. How is
yours doing?"

The fourth man replied,  "Well, my son is gay and is a go-go Dancer in a
gay bar." The other  three men grew silent  as he continued, "I'm not
totally thrilled  about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.
His last three  boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a
stock  portfolio."

> A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
> > a
> > very
> > attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at
> > his
> > watch for a moment.
> > The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he
> > replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
> > testing it."
> > The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
> > about
> > it?"
> > Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
> > The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
> > "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
> > The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
> > wearing
> > knickers!"
> > Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order  to get into Heaven, you had to have a
really bad day when you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The  next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the
man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to  tell me how your day was going when
you died."

"No problem," the man said.  "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
my lunch hour
and caught my wife half-naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.

I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips
- the nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die.
This pissed me off even more.  In a rage,
I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the
side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."

The  Angel sat back and thought a moment.  Technically, the guy did have
a bad day.
It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up.
The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man.  "But you're not going to believe
this.
I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises.
Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over
the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,
started swearing, and stamps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell.
I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I
didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain,
I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony.
It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The  Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom  of Heaven"
and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate.  The angel says,
"Please tell me how you died."

The third man says "OK, picture this.  I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator..."

And this last one isnt really a joke its just kinda funny:
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A T T I T U D E

1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And:

B U L L S H I T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.
 :hihi: :peace:

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandad .... not screaming in terror like his passengers


There are 3 types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can't


My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.


Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he?d like to eat. "I?ll have some FUCKING French toast," he says. The mother outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more FUCKING French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don?t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don?t want the FUCKING French toast."

and your side-splittingly funny joke was?

I didn't get this, but I laughed anyway.

I didn't post any, but anything beats those knock-knock jokes ::)

Thats a gay joke, at least I laughed at the knock knock one...

I was born via C-Section. I've had a normal life except everytime I leave the house, I go through the window.
- Steven Wright

haha that is gross.


Two blondes are in Australia, one turns to the other and asks, "Which is closer - London or the moon?"

The other replies, "Hellooooooooo, can you see London from here?"



A blonde calls to her boyfriend, "Please come over here, I'm struggling to sort this really difficult jigsaw puzzle!"

Her boyfriend asks, "What are you supposed to come up with?"

Blonde, "According to the picture on the box, its supposed to be a tiger."

Her boyfriend comes over to see that she has all the pieces spread on the table.

Then he says,

"I don't think you could form a tiger with those, so let's go and have a cup of tea ... and then we can put all the Frosties back in the box."

WARNING! This may cause offence, for the easily offended close your eyes now :yes:



Q. What's 12inches long and drives women crazy?









A. Cot-Death

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.

The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms?"

The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"

The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"

The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"

The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

These ones are good : ok:

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Q:  What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A:  Christopher Walken.

Q:  Why does white chocolate exist?
A:  So black kids can get messy too.

Q:  What's white and 10 inches long?
A:  Nothing.

I could go for hours with racist jokes... but here's my favourite of the dead baby jokes (*Warning, joke does involve a dead baby!*)

Q:  What's the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby?
A:  One's fun to hit with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.



... and a little something for everyone:

Two guys walk into a bar.  You would've thought the second guy would've seen it coming.

BA-ZING!

This one is from jokes.com

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

I modified this one so we can all appreciate it. ;D

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil, we will call this guy D. The devil told his demon to put D to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how D was doing, only to find D smiling and singing as he pounded rocks.

D explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on D, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. D explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for D to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find D miserable. But, D was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, D answered,

"Cold day in hell, Axl must have released Chinese Democracy!"    :peace:

It's good, it needs some modifications though



A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil, we will call this guy D. The devil told his demon to put D to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how D was doing, only to find D smiling and singing a Bon Jovi song as he pounded rocks.

D explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity, because he did not want to hear another Bon Jovi song. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on D, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. D explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for D to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find D miserable. But, D was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, D answered,

"Cold day in hell, Axl must have released Chinese Democracy!" :peace:


 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Good additions, lets tweak it some more..............



A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil, we will call this guy D. The devil told his demon to put D to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how D was doing, only to find D smiling and singing a Bon Jovi song as he pounded rocks.

D explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Kentucky.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity, because he did not want to hear another Bon Jovi song. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on D, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. D explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Kentucky. "Damn I miss those sheep, though." D thought to himself

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for D to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find D miserable. But, D was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy, D answered,

"Cold day in hell, Axl must have released Chinese Democracy!"

Haha, yeah...Stop it.

It was a shite joke to start with. You can't make something that wasn't all that funny in the first place much funnier.

... :rofl:... : ok:

Anyway, I'm a nerd:

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.

Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop.  All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer says, "Maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that's really the problem."

The software engineer says, "Why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

Q.Why did the chicken cross the road?
A.Because it wanted to.

The following are from ajokeaday.com

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, ?That?s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
 
A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,? the female brain is less because it has been used."

:smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

here's a pic joke

(http://cheston.com/pbf/PBF003ADSnailHarassment.jpg)

3 Wishes                                         
                                               
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

HEY HTGTH MEMBERS? : ok:

If you have any jokes post them on this site, now i want to see some hell WHOOP ASS shit here.

ok here's it goes


A woman is looking in the mirror and she says "Im fat, gross and ugly"

She then turns around to her husband and says " pay me a compliment"

The husband in turn, looks her up and down and up and down again and says "well hunny there is nothing wrong with your eye sight is there"

A newly wed couple went to see a marrage councellor, the councellor looked at the women and asked

" So what is the problem"

the woman replies

" my husband suffers from pre-mature ejeculation"

Well the councellor looked at the Husband as he sat there with a smirk on his face, and the councellor says

" really, is that true"

The husband looks at his wife and then at the councellor and replies

" well... not exactly, it's really her that suffers... not me"

Two guys are talking............

Guy 1: "The other day I had a slip of the tongue at the airport.  There was an attractive girl at the counter and I meant to ask for 'Two tickets to Pittsburgh', but I accidentaly asked for 'Two tickets to Tittsburgh'."

Guy 2: "Yeah, that happened to me the othey day too.  I sat down for breakfast with my wife, and when I tried to say 'Could you please pass the salt?', it came out 'You've ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Sunday Morning

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it hadn't been for that damned Ice Cream Truck".

DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED

A women just gave birth to twins, but the 2nd was still being cleaned up. She ask's"i would like to see my 2nd baby now"
The doc. has a chuckle to himself and leaves the room. He returns with the baby but bouncing it like a basketball. The women is puzzled and says "be fuckin' carefull!!!!"
The doctor then says "here lady, catch" he then swings the baby towards the mother but it falls out the window behind her and falls 3 fuckin' storys down.........

"YOU SON OF A BITCH you just killed my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screams the mother
the doc replies......"April fools, it was already dead"

Elton came up to Goerge Michael at the restrant and says "hey Goerge can i push your stool in for ya"

 That is so horrible..  :'(

Aww.. come on.. The other baby survived, right?

Q:How do you confuse a blonde?
A:trap her in a round room and tell her the credit card is in the corner.

Q:How do you make a blonde kill herself?
A:Place a mirror on the bottom of the pool.

Q:Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A:She missed the Earth.

Q:How come a blonde only changes her baby's diaper once a month?
A:Because it says up to 20 pounds on the package.

Q:Did you hear about the new pirate movie that's coming out?
A:It's rated RRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Q:You're a redneck if ....
A:you thought 5th grade was your senior year.

Q:You're an obsessed wrestling fan if....
A:you kept looking in the Bible for "Austin 3:16."

now thats fuckin' horrible. :no:



Q/ Whats the smallest muscle in a poofters arse????????

A/ Goerge W. Bush's cock!!! :o :o


the otherday i saw this chinese guy walkin' down the street, i said 'what r' ya goin' to a BYO BBQ' :o

Knock, knock...

FUCK OFF!!!!


 :hihi:

Na, who's there

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A Pokemon.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but
he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked
down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?" Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Again, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

What's snoop dog's favorite weather?
drizzle.

What's one thing you'll never see a rapper do?
release a greatest hits album.

I've never really got a long with my dad, y'know?

Remember back at school when kids used to say, "My dad could beat up your dad"?

I used to say, "When?"




Tee-Hee.

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.




/jarmo

Jesus, all that sounds way too familiar.. I don't know if it's even funny..  :hihi:

You forgot:

And one person to call the moderators, who lock the thread that has decended into chaos, Communistic fascists who hate everybody and refuse to uphold the First Ammendment.

and someone to start another thread complaining about the first one being locked

Great One Jarmo. And true to most threads on here. :)

Two indians go to their medicine man and ask him: "Can you tell us how the winter will be like this year?" The medicine man throws a bunch of tiny stones on the ground and says: "It's going to be a very cold winter, collect much wood for heating." On the other day, more indians come to him and ask the same. Again, he tells them: "Collect much wood!" Indians of other trunks come and he always says the same. "Collect much wood!" But the medicine man is not completely sure himself. He thinks: "I must call the weather office to check." Said - done. He calls and asks them: "Can you please tell me how the winter will be like this year?" The man from the weather office answers: "That will be one hard winter - the indians collect wood like crazy!"

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone
number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three
questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop
to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch
tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from
a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.? So off to the pet shop she went.? She searched and searched.? Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.? As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

The old lady figured -- WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car


Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."


So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK .......... AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
v
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v
v
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v
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v
v
v
v
v
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COME ON GUESS
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
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v
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SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She'd old .......... NOT DEAD!!!!!? :P

I think you're joke was a little on the weak side.

Mommy...MOMMY!! where are your scabs?



Response: Shut up, and eat your corn flakes.

This one I found in treasurechest forum.

Blond - mathic

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v601/louarsab/blond_mathic.jpg)

 :hihi: The radio call in one was hilarious

A man walked into a bar and said "ouch" (double meaning of the word bar gives clue to joke)

what did batman say when he was hungry?

Dinner Dinner Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner BATMAN! Dinner dinner etc. (For those of you hu know the batman 60s tv series theme tune, you know how its supposed 2 be said).

Holy terrible jokes batman

what women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

Knickerless (This one is real grose.)

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

And finally:

Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

thanx.

another one.

there was a magical frog in a forest that lived alone for all the life he remembers (duzn't remember family or n e thing). Suddenly, he catches a bear chasing a rabbit and stops them.

"As you're the 1st animals i've ever seen, i'll grant you three wishes each" said the frog.

the bear's 1st which was "I want there to be bears in this forest that are all female but me"

the rabbit's turn was next and said, "I want a motorbike."

the Bear's 2nd wish was, "I want the bears in the next forest to all be female but me"

the rabbit's 2nd wish was, "I want a motorbike helmet"

Bear's 3rd and final wish was "I want all the bears in the world apart from me 2 be female."

Rabbit's final wish was, "I wish the bear was gay."

errrrr...... um  knock knock

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a crap and the bear turns the rabbit and says " do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur? the rabbit replies " no " so the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with it. ahahaahaha boy, im easily amused.

Mental Case Calling Card

If you are Osessive Compulsive: Please press 1 Repeatedly

If you are Codependent: Please ask someone to press 2

If you have Multiple Pesonalities: Please press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are a Paranoid Delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Schizophrenic: Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which # to press.

If you are Manic Depressive: It doesn't matter what # you press, no one will answer.

Your momma is so poor, when I asked what was for dinner she set her pocket on fire and sang, "Hot pockets!"

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but she relizes that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

A man walked into a bar with a bit of concrete in his hands. He asked the bartender, "Hi. I'd like a couple of beers please. One for me and one for the road."

There were to atoms walking down a street. One atom said, "i think i've lost an electron" the other atom replied, "Are you positive?" NOTE; ATOMS THAT LOSE ELECTRONS BECOME POSITIVE IONS.

British and French were arguing who had the best cats. so, 2 get this debate settled, a french had to get their best cat 2 swim across the english channel as did the british. British cats name was one-two-three and the french un-deux-trois. who won?



British. Why? becuz un-deux-trois-quatr-cinq. (helpful if u can pronounce and count in french)

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
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There was a boy scout, G. bush, a doctor and a priest in an airplain. suddenly, the plain falls down and there are only 3 parachutes. So, the doctor takes one and says: "people needs me", and jumps. bush takes another one and says: "I'm too important". then , the priest tells to the boy socut: "please, take the last parachute and save yourself". the boy scout answers him: "there are 2 parachutes, Bush took my backpack"

I guess many of you've already heard this one, I believe it's from a movie but can't recall which..

 anyway..

An american, an afro-american and a mexican found a bottle where a genie lived.
The genie  were thankful for letting him out and gave them one wish each.
The afroamerican wished all his afroamerican brothers and sisters could live a happy and wealthy life back in Africa, *poof* it happened.
The mexican wished all his mexican brothers and sisters could live a happy and wealthy life back in Mexico, *poof* it happened.

The american asked the genie; "All afroamericans and all mexicans moved back to their native countries?"  "Yes, they have", the genie answered.

"Well, I wish I could have a coke then"

Ah, nothing like a nice xenophobic racist joke to get the day started...

This videos is very funny
The punch line in english is "Everyone is good in xmas we are always good"  :hihi:

Merry Xmas (http://www.megaupload.com/?d=K7DG8TBA)

Joke 1: There's a church up in Newcastle thats winning the Nobel Prize. Do you know why??











Because it has no bell

Joke 2: There were two fish that were feeling hungry and were discussing where they can eat and hang out. One fish said, "Lets go to the fish and chip shop." the other fish replied, "I dont wanta. the last time i went there i got battered."

Joke 3: What do you call a dog that owns a zoo with no animals on it?


A shitzu! 

This penguin was having car problems. He takes his car to the mechanic. While he was waiting he went across the street for an ice cream. (Penguins love that stuff!) When he returned the mechanic told the penguin, "I think you blew a seal." The penguin replied, "No, that's just ice cream on my beak." :rofl:

Is that not the funniest corniest joke?? (I saw it on the web being told by monkeys so that makes it even more funny!)

my jokes are funnier and theyre bad

i met a girl the other day.she had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.it was cool coz if you put your ear on it,you couldnt hear the seaside but you could smell it  :beer:

What is it with all the members here and they're lousy jokes?

hahahahaha, dirty dirt stuff...... lol  :rofl:

i met a girl last week, she is a magician, we went for a drive and she turned into a motel.

I managed to get this top secret clip of GN'R's 3rd guitarist: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVHtfL3Wf-w&search=randomshreds
I definitely can see him playing stuff like NR and TWAT  : ok:

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

Your so ugly YO Momma had to feed u with a slingshot!

Yo Momma so fat that you have to roll over twice to get off of her.  :rofl:

a drunk man walks out of a bar with a bottle of whisky in his hand. he puts the bottle in his chest pocket.
he walks down the street, he trips and falls down. with his eyes closed he takes his hand to his chest and feels something liquid. he then says to himself: "i hope it's blood"

Ahhahhahahahahhaha! The best joke ever  :hihi: Maybe I'm just too sleepy..

(http://www.sayagain.co.uk/b3tapix/images/chickenjoke.gif) (http://www.aq2suomi.com/forum/images/smiles/sad.gif)

knock knock..

Who's there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes the police, open up!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company

 :hihi:

What'S the difference between a stork?

Both legs are equally long, especially the right one..

I can't believe this thread has been going on for a year now!

Well, here's a joke to keep it alive
 : ok:

Funny Business   

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"

Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."

stupidly funny

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  Sits down at the bar, the monkey wanders around.  Guy orders a drink.  Bartender starts watching the monkey.   Monkey jumps up on the pool table and picks up a ball.  Eats it.  Bartender says, "Holy shit!  Fucking crazy ass monkey just ate one of my balls!"  Guy says, "Aw man, I'm really sorry, I'll pay you for the damage."  He pays the bartender, gets his monkey, and leaves.  A few days later, comes back in with the monkey.  He sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  The bartender starts watchin' the monkey real close, cause he doesn't want to have anything else destroyed.  Monkey jumps up on the end of the bar, starts taking grapes out of a bowl, puttin em in his asshole, and then eatin em.  Bartender says, "What the hell is that crazy monkey doin now, he's stickin grapes up his butt and then eatin em."  Man says, "Yeah, ever since the other day he won't eat anything without measuring it first."

Oh, yeah, forgot to mention that the name of the bar was Synergy.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=nUKo_RXQa_k&search=standup%20comedy
Hes a good standup comedian.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a pimple?

A: A pimple wait's until you're 13 before it comes on your face.

Richard Nixon wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the ass. 


 ;D

Ruthless!  ;D

I thought it was a good one.  :rant:

My point   :hihi:

Q: What's big, green, and eats rocks???



A: a big, green rock-eater!

 :rofl:

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.

Did you hear about the Irish homosexuals?
Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael.

What do nerds use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Here's a good one,hope y'all like it.

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS


Stage #1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know
all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will
listen.  At this stage you are also always right.  And of course the
person you are talking with is very wrong.  You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting
argument when both parties are "smart".  Two people talking, in fact,
arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but
are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject
makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to
listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in
the entire room and everyone is looking at you.  You begin to wink at
perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been
admiring you the whole evening.  You are the center of attention, and all
eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the
face of the earth.  Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can
talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects
under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely
have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can
also make bets in this stage.  Now of course you still know all, so you
will always win all your bets.  And you have no concern for how much
money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also
begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you
because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the
face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with
because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to
the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self
all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no
worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all
the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might
erupt if he looses.

Stage #5  -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness.  At this point you can do
absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance
on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people
who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom
you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through
the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are
still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything
of it because they can't see you.  All your social inhibitions are
gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

And you certainly won't remember !

This one's really funny. Good job!  : ok:

Being a bloke is top because:

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You can appreciate great sport.
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,in 45 minutes.
Same job .... . more pay.
The world is your urinal

Here's one I heard Yesterday:

Elton John Split Up From His Husband David Cause he was having Sex behind his back :rofl: :rofl:

 :rofl: :rofl: awful!!!

What did Moses say when he got to the Red Sea?


God, dam it!

:hihi: :hihi:

OK.. This is a bit grotesque! ;D

Heard about the cannibal who had vegetable for dinner?

When he was finished, there were only the wheelchair left!  :hihi:

That's great! ;D

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the?
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea.! "

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Love the intelligent blonde jokes!  : ok:

By the way, what do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

If you are religious i suggest not reading

A bus full of nuns crashed one day and they were all sent to heaven however at the gates of heaven St.Peter asked the first nun in the line if she had ever touched a penis to which the nun replyed "yes with my finger"
So st.peter told her to put the finger in the holy water and go through the gates. He asked the second nun the same question to which she replyed with the same answer and was told to do the same as the first nun

Suddenly a nun comes bustlin up to the front of the line an st.peter asks what the hurry was
the nun replyed,"If i have to put my mouth in that holy water i want to do it before sister mary puts her ass in"!

Classic.

Why Did the one handed man Cross the road?





To get to the second hand shop :hihi: :hihi:

Now who would like to hit on someone by talking about nuclear power?  ???

This joke's about Prometheus, right?

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Because he was stapled to the chicken.

 :rofl:

A government witness who has been demanding 24-hour protection today was given a roll-on deodorant.


A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".


Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all week.

 :rofl: :hihi:


How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Stick your hands in It's Pockets and tickle It's Balls : ok:

I got some jokes!

Here's #1:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

And, here's #2:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My! God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

i slept with this girl last night,she had a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her leg

its amazing

if you put your ear on it,you cant hear the sea but you sure can smell fish.  :rofl:

If any nationality is not included in this joke please PM and and i'll work on one for your own country

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.



AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
You threaten to invade the country the cow came from.



FRENCH CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.



JAPANESE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
worldwide.



GERMAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.



BRITISH CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
Your cows are both mad.
You burn them.



ITALIAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows
You don't know where they are.
You don't care where they are.
You break for lunch.



RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You count them and find you have five cows.
You count them again and find you have 42 cows.
You count them again and find you have 11 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.




SWISS CAPITALISM:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them anonymously.



HINDU CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You worship them.



CHINESE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity.
You arrest the journalist who reported that you only have two cows.



WELSH CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You fancy the cute one on the left.



ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
You then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
Your annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

I wanted to share these with yall? :yes:

Beaver
"A little girl walks in on her mom in the shower and asks, "Mommy mommy, what?s that?" Her mom replied, "That?s my beaver." Next day the little girl walked in on her grandmother taking a shower and asked, "Grandma grandma, what?s that?" Her grandmother replied, "That?s my beaver." Third day the little girl walks in on her mother taking a shower and asks her, "Mommy mommy, what?s that?" Her mother replied, "That?s my beaver." The little girl stated to her mother that grandma?s beaver must be dead cause it?s tongue is hanging out."

----------------------------------------------------------------

little Mexican boy
A little Mexican boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is cooking and rubs his hands in flour and whips it all over his face the little boy says "Look mother i?m a white boy." The mother slaps him and tells him to go to his father. The boy goes to his father and says "Look farther i?m a white boy." The father slaps him and tells him to go  to his Grandmother. The boy goes to his grandmother and says "Look grandma Mari i?m a white boy." His grandmother slaps him. He goes back into the kitchen with his mother and she asks him ?Did you learn a vauble lesson?? The little boy replies "Yes I?ve only been white for five minutes and i already hate ya?ll damn Mexicans.

:rofl: Those are awesome!!! :peace:

Those were great!  :rofl:

 :rofl:

The mexican boy one is a re-hash. It's supposed to be a little black boy in the 1960's, and its just the parents and no grandmother. I guess its more politically correct? to use Mexicans? instead. :hihi:

The original punchline:

The little colored boy stands at the bathroom sink, crying, as he washes off the make up and says: I don't blame white people... I've only been white five minutes and I already hate two colored people.

'Mexicans'? 'Coloured people'? Either way, it takes the edge off the joke.

Both jokes are... Average.

no offense imo they're not funny or dirty in any way.

Sunday School  
 
  Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted. 


Cartwheeling for Cash
 
  One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
 


Suck on those! :smoking:

The joke was written by actor/comedian and civil rights activist Godfrey Cambridge in the 1960's and was told on national TV. That's why the term "colored people" was used. I never knew it had been rehashed into the Mexican joke.

He was a very underrated (and progressive for his time) comedian.

Good ones SkynyrdGirl! :hihi: ;D : ok:

Cheers Drew! : ok:

This is kinda gross but its pretty dirty

lil john was given 20 dollars by his dad to go lose his virginity to a hooker,
on the way there he stopped by his grandma?s house for cookies,
Grandma asked: where ae you heading to lil john, he replied: dad gave me money to go lose my virginity to a hooker. Grandma said: oh, well, just give me the 20 dollars and I?ll fuck you.
Lil john went home, dad asked: how did it go with the hooker
lil john replied: I never got to her, grandma fucked me instead.
Dad said: YOU FUCKED MY MOTHER?????!!!!!!!!
lil john replied: Well...... now you know how I feel

I see. Any links to some of his stuff? I'd never heard of him.

I don't find too many written jokes funny; books can be funny, because you have as long as you want to set the joke up. In joke... Jokes you have to create the set up and the punch line in a few lines, and they don't usually come off too well.

Besides, the delivery is far more important than the joke.

I just dont get it.

Oh wait - Dad with the Mum??  With the Son and the Kid?  Oh - silly.

heres a funny joke
http://www.break.com/index/whiterapper21.html

I can't find too much about his material on-line. I saw him perform on some documentaries about black comedians (which is where I saw the joke above) and hsve some of his old albums and films.
Especially Watermelon Man. That was a good movie. I recommend it.

But here's a little something about him:

http://www.aaregistry.com/african_american_history/718/Unique_stage_and_screen_talents_Godfrey_Cambridge


I couldn't agree more.

Have you heard of the comedian Robert Schimmel?

Here's one I heard the other day:

There's a construction crew that consists' of a Black, a Jew, and a Redneck. The Black construction worker is digging a trench when he hits something metal. he pulls it out of the hole and begins dusting it off to see what it is. Suddenly a genie emerges from the container. He tells the men that they each get one wish. The Black goes first. He decides that he wants to create a seperate country for all Blacks so that they can escape racism and opression, The Jew decides that he would also like to create a similar county where all Jews could escape religous persecution. The redneck takes a minute to think his wish over..........He then asks the Genie "Let me get this straight.... The Blacks and the Jew's are all being sent away to other countries"??? The Genie responds with a nod. The redneck then says "Fuck it.. what else could I ask for.... Just get me a Dr. Pepper then...."

:rofl: Silly redneck!

I haven't, no. I don't recognise him by name at least, but there's always the chance that I have come across him before. What kind of stuff does he do?

Ricky Gervais Simpson's episode, that premiered over here yesterday, is the perfect example of just how important delivery is. In my opinion, a lot of Ricky's jokes did not translate to cartoon at all; jokes that would have been absoloutly perfect either in the Office, Extras or in his standup just fell flat in cartoon form. They just couldn't pull off a 'Gervais' (his style is very unique) joke. That is neither a criticism directed at him or the producers, I'm of course not saying that he isn't funny; but shows just how important his delivery is in making him one of the funniest men on the planet. Personally, I think that getting him to write an episode of the Simpsons, on his own, was a mistake.

Damn, he's really hard to describe. He mainly talks about himself, his life, cancer, ex-wives, sex, masturbation, bowel movements, getting caught by his wife when he was having sex with his daughters best friend while he was in the hospital... He is one of the best comics I've ever seen/heard. You should check him out. He had a great HBO special.

http://www.robertschimmel.com/

 :rofl:
hilarious

What a dick. Cheatin's so wrong ANYWAY, but when its with yer daughter's best friend.... that's just wronger than wrong and no one should do that!!! I don't care if he's a famous comedian or an unknown farmer from Farm Planet, you just DON'T screw yer daughter's best friend and cheat on yer wife.

he's a comedian ...

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV.....

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he
just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so
well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

This thread just never wants to die.

I disagree

This one's terrible but it made me laugh:

One day in the big blue a little squid with a broken tentacle is trying to get back home.  Not too far from his front door a great big shark comes along.  "Please dont eat me Im sick" the squid says to the shark, "Im not going to" said the shark "come with me I know someone who can fix all your problems".  Not knowing whether or not to trust the shark, the squid feels he has no choice to to follow anyway.  Some time later in the middle of the coral beds the shark stops and says to another shark "hey bert, here's that sick squid I owe ya"..... :rofl:

(http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_oct2005/WaterOnMars.jpg)
im not kidding.