Here Today... Gone To Hell!

 By: PETER BROWN
? ? ? Contributing Editor



Hi I?m Gilby Clark. You may know me from my days with hard core rock band Guns ?N Roses, where I played guitar for the band. Or ? you may not know me at all since I was in the band after the glory days (although I toured with the band during the ?Use Your Illusion? tour) and was more ?The Spaghetti Incident? G ?N R rather than ?Appetite for Destruction? G ?N R.



Of course, I was only with the band for three years before getting shown the door by that crazy bastard, Axl Rose. So, needless to say my career hasn?t really lived up to the standards of say a Tommy Lee or even a Jason Newstead, but I was given this awesome opportunity to play in this new band, SUPERNOVA, and I jumped at the chance. (And not to mention, I wasn?t really doing much at the time anyway between watching re-runs of ACCORDING TO JIM and picking the lint from my belly button, but that doesn?t need to come out.)

 

The only trouble with SUPERNOVA is that they?ve decided to make a mockery out of it by having a reality show, ROCK STAR, and the great unwashed of America decide who our lead singer is going to be. That aspect alone is bad enough but what?s worse is that I have to appear on the show twice a week along with my other band mates. It?d be OK, but those god damn producers just had to give me the Paula Abdul role ? you know, the nice one.

 

So each week, I gotta sit by while Tommy gives his lame one-liners, Jason rips that little wussy boy for not opening his throat every week ? whatever the hell that means ? and I have to just sit there and say they made that song their own or I loved your dress or you sing really good. Blah blah blah blah. What a crock of sh**. I gotta sit here and play down to these wannabes ? er, people who want to take my spot each week as belt out bad karaoke!

 

What?s worse is I gotta listen to Dave Navarro tell me how much better of a guitar player he is during the commercial breaks. I hate that guy. He sits there and takes his shirt off every week thinking he?s all that and then crawls up Dilana?s backside each time she even graces us with her presence. Hey buddy, we know you gotta pimp out your new band and your new album each week because otherwise no one would give a rat?s ass about it or you but hey this is our show, our band and I don?t need you treading over my phoenix-like rise.

 

Anyway, since no one seems to know who I am, I figured what the hell I?ll pretend it?s ?bring your pets to work day? and brought along Chopper. Maybe it will endear me to the rest of the punks trying to land their dream job and hopefully America will do a quick Google search to find my Wikipedia entry. Hey, don?t go on there and add I?m a big tool or anything, I?d be pissed ? even though it?s probably accurate.

 

Patrice performed her original song and boy did it suck. Is this what I have to look forward to for however long this band stays together? I mean, look how far the new INXS has gone with their new singer.

 

Magni then performed Nirvana?s ?Smells Like Teen Spirit,? a song that was praised by Dave but Tommy wanted to see something smashed, preferably Magni?s guitar. Then Dave issued these pearls of wisdom to the rockers ?Before this season ends, I want to see something get broken up there.? With all the flailing around by these clods, it?s likely to be an ankle.

 

However, leave it to the guy with that chick?s name, Ryan Star, to immediately show Dave he means business by ruining the one thing he saved up all his waiter tips to buy. While his song was certainly better than Patrice?s, he still isn?t gonna cut the mustard at the end.

 

There was much drama about Storm Large singing Aerosmith?s ?Cryin?? that I almost choked out Brooke Burke, but Storm delivered with a strong power ballad that made up for the train wreck last week. But like I said on the show, I want more. I need more guitars being thrown, more sh** getting broken. Oh, did we already cover that? Damn it.

 

Then up was Dilana with The Police?s ?Every Breath You Take? and once again all of us slobbered all over her because hell we all know she?s winning, why hide it.

 

Toby sang Eric Clapton?s ?Layla? and even though I thought it wasn?t that great and said so when the producer?s whispered in my ear piece ?Paula Abdul,? I immediately had to give him props on his performance. Sigh, this sucks.

 

But I knew I could talk back to that wussy boy Lukas and I let him have it pointing out that his version of The Killers? ?All These Things That I?ve Done? was good but then telling him off because I want to see him not his back. Oooo what I diss! I rule! Take that producers!

he was jk i think cuz it was snl

yeah, you can just tell from the way it's written too.  hey, doesnt gilby's last name have an e at the end?  ;)

not really... he just add's it..

dunno if it is official though... but it looks better with an E i read him say in a intervirew