Here Today... Gone To Hell!

question time :

my boyfriend set his company up 3 years ago and up until recently, worked alone in it, with me helping occasionally in it. Because of some contract, he has brought in some other person, a guy called frederic.

Now, this guy i didn't know up until recently. But when i came in daily to help my boyfriend ( who asked me), not only did frederic act agressive towards me, but constantly tried to put me down, would be found in my boyfriend's office alll day long, my boyfriend would go to his too, frederic would sneak into our private conversations at lunch time ( like convos regarding our couple and pregnancy, like the door was CLOSED), i would ask a question to my boyfriend and frederic would reply to it ?

Not only this but some clients don't like frederic, one guy has left us because frederic kept on giving him grief and my boyfriend didn't back him up, because he only backs fred up.

Now, i had an argument with fred this evening, where i have politely told him to stop sneaking his nose into my private business. he said there are hours for that and i told him it's hard to have hours when he can be found in the bosse's office ALL DAY and he said nothing and lowered his eyes.

My boyfriend tells me i am in the wrong, that i shouldn't have said a thing to frederic.

I feel very very left out and alone.

Do you think my boyfriend is right ?

Am i supposed to let an employee talk to me like this ?

What is this Dear Abby?

Giving you the benefit of the doubt that this is the whole story, since he is getting involved in your personal business you have every right to say something. If your boyfriend doesnt want you talking to him in that way, than he should run this guy off when you two are having private conversations. Doesnt sound like you did anything wrong.


Oh and gild 1, piss off.

Eat shit you Bronx Butt Banger.

Sadly some people are just assholes who pick a certain person to pick on and give that person hell.

 :smoking: Izzy ?:smoking:

I promise it's the whole story, that frederic guy even gave me more grief when he left that i was pregnant. So i stopped smoking and he purposefully smoked under my nose and when i would be a bit " nervous", he told me to be " cool" ?

I know there are people like this, but why does my boyfriend stay out of it and why does he say i am the one who should mend things up ?

It's enough having my boyfriend talking to me like shit, what does he want ? a submissive me taking shit from all men in general ?

I don't know. Maybey this Frederic has his own problems, maybey your boyfriend knows something about him and feels sympathy for him but then again maybey it's some other reason. I think asking him yourself is the only option

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

I have asked JF ( my boyfriend) and he either says he needs frederic's work more than anything right now or says nothing at all, zaps the subject and gets all pissy.

Plus, although he does need frederic's work, is it a reason to let him talk to me like this ?

I mean, although Jf and i aren't married, if the guy had a little education, he would understand he is talking like shit to his BOSS's " wife" ( equivalent)..

I mean, it is hard for me right now, i leave home at 7 am every morning ( apart from the 3 last because preggers sick) and i a, right now, still at the office, sat on an office chair ( not good for the pregnancy), it's 9.20 pm, i do work too and all i get is an employee talking to me like shit, a boyfriend whose work is more important and whose colleague takes more space than i ever will, i can't go back home alone because my boyfriend won't let me ( true) so what do i do ?

And when i close the door to cry, i sometimes hear them 2 laugh.. :'(

You mean laughing at you, that's just mean? >:(

I'd say just punch the guy in the face, really he's starting to piss me off now. Just try not to get to deppresed about it, put a pin on his chair before he sits down or something? ;D

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

You've always been opinionated and defend yourself well around here. Take charge and tell him how its going to be. I dont know if you see a future with this man or not but if you are with him in the future and your child sees him treating you like this, your child will think its alright and do the same thing. Put a stop to it now.

Yes, AT me. Like my boyfriend who can sometimes be a jerk has found someone who makes all the jerk side come out and have an excuse to exist ?

I am really very depressed.

i usually put on a brave face and even smile, go out in my little world, but i can't even do that anymore.
Yesterday, i was walking by my boyfriend in the street to go home and i was crying. i cried myself to sleep.

next time take his cigarette, turn it to 180 degree toward his face, and burn him one eye with.
He will calm down in a second.

I don't see a future with him.

I had left him. I even got my own little rented house. But he had taken pills because he'd agreed to see a doc, and after 5 long years of fights and me leaving, he finally got himself on medication. Oh the change ! He was the man i had always wanted him to be. Adorable, human. We hadn't had sex in a very LONG time and when we did, it was knowing i " could" get pregnant. I didn't do it behind his back as he had been telling me he wanted a child for 3 years now.

A month after that, he changed again, the treatment had been stopped. I changed too, but i was depressed and aggressive. I quickly learnt i was pregnant. The change in me was too quick. So it was rational to think it was linked to something exterior ( well, interior lol ) .

I had no support from him since. None. He acts as if he is happy to treat me this way. I don't know if there is a revenge, a " no one leaves me" type of thing, but it's as if he had this determination to make me crawl.

6 months ago, i was all my myself. Happy. Constructing a new life. I had projects.

I have been a fool, i believed in him and not just once, but enough times to be a dumb cow. But aren't we dumb when we love ?

Because the last straw is that he asked me to stop looking for work as he needed an extea hand and told me i shouldn't worry about me or money because he would pay me ? Well, he doesn't pay me a dime, i can't get another job elsewhere because my pregnancy has started to really show and i am moneyless, very unhappy, pregnant and stuck.

All this because of a treatment i thought would save our love.

it could have but it didn't.

That's an idea, a bit drastic, but an idea  :hihi:

btw :

just so you know i am not exagerating :

it's 22.48 pm, i am stil lat the office waiting for him ( i don't have my driving license), notihng to eat and i am preggers, i feel faints and he is still on the phone with a client and has not even asked me if i wanted to go and get something to eat .

This isnt healthy for you and I'm quite positive the stress isnt helping the baby any. Its been quite awhile since we talked about this, so I dont know how much has changed in your life but if there is anyone that can help you at all(Family, friends) you have to get out of that situation. It will only get worse. He is on a power trip and is enjoying having this control over you. I know its not an easy thing to do, but it will only get worse. If hes treating you like this while you are pregnant, I hate to think how he will act towards the baby after he/she is born.

no, no one. :'( i mean no one who cares..

The only person whose presence helps a bit is dad, on my photo profile and there isn't much he can do from the skies.

My family is very much " you make your bed, you lie in it"

Plus, every time mum does something nice for me, she finds a way to make me pay for it on some other end, she is fucked up.
My brother's favorite sentence is " i don't have the time"

And my best friend in england is very sick, i would never ask her, it could kill her.

I wish I had a magic answer, but I guess the best I could say is keep a strong mind and do whats best for a as healthy a pregnancy as possible and than as soon as the opportunity presents itself run like hell with your child.

and i will, trust me, i will.

Sounds to me like JF is doin' ole Freddie...

ADVICE:

Leave your man (and incidentally, your country) and come live with me. I'll even make a promise to leave Freddie's little dickie bird alone...

Deal?

 :rofl:

@jessica - Creep up behind frederic and fist him in the nuts. Guaranteed he'll see it ur way... :hihi:

me also means me+baby+my cat   :hihi:

You know, i have never been affraid of leaving my country, i lived abroad before and would again..

What's Freddie " little dickie bird"  ?  :-\ His penis ?  :-\

So it's official? We're gonna be a family?


His penis, yes.

Jessica, this situation is unacceptable, and your boyfriend is being a jellyfish about it.  I don't want to slag him without knowing him, especially since you seem to be a person of real character and I don't think you'd choose to be with someone of low caliber, but he's not facing the issue.  I'm not a believer in the dangers of secondhand smoke, but Frederic's behavior toward you is utterly disrespectful, and it tells me that he is threatened by you for some reason.  The reason doesn't matter, though, at all.   Frederic's behavior is the problem, and your boyfriend's seeming unwillingness to face the issue aggravates the situation.
It seems that you've tried to address the problem with your boyfriend, but that he has been unreceptive to dealing with it.  Maybe you need to be more emphatic?  You seem like a very nice person, and maybe (because I do this) you are being too nice when you talk to him and he doesn't truly understand how serious this is.  I am personally very nonconfrontational (especially considering what a brutal evoloutionist I am) but if anyone shows my wife that type of disrespect, I take charge of it and solve the problem.
I guess I'm rambling now...sorry.  This type of thing really gets under my skin.
Your boyfriend needs to step up, and he needs to do it now.  He's got it in him, or he you wouldn't be wasting your time with him.

By the way, I have a cat and a dog...I'd take you in, pending spousal approval... ;D
She is sometimes the jealous type, tho...

/Mike

... :o...

No by...

lol, you're teasing me... ;D :rant: ;D

There is nothing that would make me happier than having a proper happy family, with or without kids firsthand, etc etc...

About the penis, you can kick his in, i couldn't care less, i'd probably be quite satisfied actually, but what would satiffy me even more would be to give my boyfriend a good punch in the face, but i do reserve that one for me, when i'll leave, god knows when.

so this "office" is in your home? I guess my question is, why are you trying to talk to your boyfriend about personal stuff during work hours...isn't that for after work (or at least on a lunch break when you can walk out of the building and\or house)?  Do you actually work for your boyfriend? Are you on the payroll like Frederic?  Obviously, whatever Frederic does, your boyfriend needs his assistance. That's not personal that's business. We are talking about a business that he is trying to get off the ground or whatever, right?
I don't know the entire situation,  I don't mean to be saying, you should do this or that, or whatever...I know if I was working for your boyfriend, me, personally, I wouldn't be butting into conversations that are happening behind a closed door, that's just bad form, but on the other hand, I wouldn't want to sit there and have to listen to the personal life of my boss and his girlfriend either...you know what I mean...one thing I would do is definitely handle this yourself, don't try and get your boyfriend to take sides, as I think his main concern (at least when he's at work) should be his job, not whether his co-worker gets along with his girlfriend....and I know you can handle yourself.
I hope I'm being too blunt, 'cause my intention isn't to judge one way or the other...starting a business is tough and it just seems (from the extreme outside) that personal stuff...needs to stay out of the work mix. No harm.

so this "office" is in your home?
It was, until it got mad for me and i rented a place of my own, see convo above
 I guess my question is, why are you trying to talk to your boyfriend about personal stuff during work hours...
Usually, not, but i had learnt i was pregnant and me and boyfriend were coming back from doctors and for once, closed the door, at lunch break
isn't that for after work (or at least on a lunch break when you can walk out of the building and\or house)?
Usually, but work starts at 6.30 when we wake up and finishes between 8.pm and 0.30 am sometimes, so things do need to be discussed and when we don"t have weekends because they are rare, there needs to be spaces to discuss privates matters.

 Do you actually work for your boyfriend?
Yes

Are you on the payroll like Frederic?
I am supposed to but he hasn't paid me like he was supposed to, even though i have a proper contract, but he is also my boyfriend ? 

Obviously, whatever Frederic does, your boyfriend needs his assistance. That's not personal that's business. We are talking about a business that he is trying to get off the ground or whatever, right?
No, the business has existed 3 years before Frederic, Frederic is only a computer engineer, a develloper, that's all.
 
I don't know the entire situation,  I don't mean to be saying, you should do this or that, or whatever...
I know

I know if I was working for your boyfriend, me, personally, I wouldn't be butting into conversations that are happening behind a closed door, that's just bad form, but on the other hand, I wouldn't want to sit there and have to listen to the personal life of my boss and his girlfriend either
Nobody forces him to listen or butt in, the work space is vast, he doesn't hear a thing from where he is, if he intrudes, it's because he wants to, not because he was forced to hear, plus, as i mentionned above, if boyfriend and i didn't sometimes take day time to talk private, we'd never talk at all. Frederic is supposed to take his lunch break, in OR out, but what his bosses do at lunch is none of his business, right ? I mean, if his boss wanted to close the door to watch porn, it would be the same, whay gives him the right to come in and act as if the place was his ?

...you know what I mean...one thing I would do is definitely handle this yourself, don't try and get your boyfriend to take sides, as I think his main concern (at least when he's at work) should be his job, not whether his co-worker gets along with his girlfriend....and I know you can handle yourself.
I have tried and was yelled at by boyfriend for even daring to say a thing to his little Fred darling.
I get on with everyone but this Fred, but i am comforted in the sense that all coworkers past and present find him either weird or insufferable and our clients said that if they had to speak to fred ever again, they would drop us. i do not know what the deal is with this guy, but it's very strange

I hope I'm being too blunt, 'cause my intention isn't to judge one way or the other
I know, i know...

starting a business is tough and it just seems (from the extreme outside) that personal stuff...needs to stay out of the work mix. No harm.
This i know too and the business has been okay for 3 years now, i would never have gone to work for my boyfriend every day unless he had begged me which he did and i don't mix personal with work but it seems this fred person and my boyfriend don't hear it that way ? I was educated by people who said pleasure and business or friendshio and business don't mix, my dad always said i'd never find real friends on work plants because i would think them being real; but the minute i would argue a bout work, i'd lose their friendship ? Therefore, i never mixed. As for my boyfriend, i rarely see him in the day because i stay a lot in my own office ( some of you know that, i have way too much time to surf lol ) but when i do come out with something to say about work or when i come out
at 8 pm, when i have been on the spot, preggers and sat ( not comfy when preggers) for 12 long hours to ask when a good time to head home would be, i expect this fred to keep out of the conversation and not come in the room to give me a " when we've finished !!!"..He is extremely rude !!!

Soo, before i lost my temper, i posted on forums asking people about their opinions because i had started to wonder about how justified was my pain and it seems to be plain justified.

It seems to me like your boyfriend doesn't know the first thing about having employees.  I would suggest finding a new job.  There's no reason to feel like shit every single day, and if you find yourself in that position, you have to change something.

Moving to Canada was a good suggestion as long as you don't actually come within 100 miles of MCT (although he tends to stalk some people, but they are mostly males).  It would be a very good place to raise a child, and since you also speak french (right?), finding work becomes that much easier.

In other words, "move to Mississauga."

And use KM, for fuck's sake... >:(


As if you don't like it... ::)

I had my mother on the phone tonight.

Although i was trying not to, i broke down in tears.

She told me to sell all i have, and to come to england as soon i can.

I think i am going back to my mother's..it pisses me off, but i have no other choice really.
She said that my baby was family and that it would keep my grandad alive for another 5 years..She has some sayings of her own, truly unique.
Anyway...

I'll keep you updated..

My life is better than any sitcom...

you and baby will be fine Jess..you are a very strong woman, and like many strong women, it IS hard to be strong...we do what we have to do to survive and ensure the ones we love (baby to be) survive and flourish...don't be pissed about going back to 'Moms'..it is not a step back, just a different step...you  have to stay positive and healthy for yourself and babykins. Not sure how it will may you feel but think of the joy you will be bring back to your family..as you said your Grandad as one. I have to admit it angered me to read about how your bf and Fred the fuckhead treat you....GodSpeed Jess...my warmest wishes for you :-*

Thanks Lis.. :-*

You know, being a strong woman also means i tend to meet men who want to, consciouly or not, crush me.
I have never been happy in love because i have always met men who stood in my " sun" as my father used to say.
Like you bring sun to people who have none ? And who suck you until there is no more left ?

I am terrified of moving back to england, to my mothers. I have issues with mum. Big ones. I know she tries to do her role, but i am scared of what SHE is capable of. I have to be very fast in her house, just a " thank you thank you and i am out with a house and a job" sort of thing or i'll end up just as bad as now.

Fuxk, when you think all i wanted was a calm life, a real love and a family of my own with a job i could enjoy, i just have this very bitter feeling that i fucked it all up.

Good luck

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

I don't need luck babe, i need prozac  :-X

You need happiness not anti-depressents
Either way I'm sure England won't be too bad

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Hapiness ? forgot what it means..

To england where it rains, move somewhere sunny. :)

Really, it makes me mad to read all this and not finding any easy way out. It seems you'de be better without him anyway. And would things be any better when the baby is born? Somehow I doubt it, he seems somewhat like my old man.

Just try to hang on

If your old man is like this, then, i feel very sorry for you. :-[

Stepfather actually. I'm fine but it's just all the shit my mother had to go through, she came in my room crying far too many times, and I hated him for that, I still do. My sister say they don't fight anymore, but I don't really believe people change, but he does treat her well when I do a quick visit on x-mas or some other occasion.

Yeah, my boyfriend treats me well in front of his parents, my mother or people like clients. He is very angel like. Wants to be seen angel like.


Just to give you the last example of how he is, dates from last monday, it's 3 days old :

Monday was bank holiday here, some people took the day off, some worked it.
My boyfriend told his client a few days before that he would be home but he would answer the phone.
I asked my boyfriend to cut his phone the night of sunday to monday, just because sometimes, old messages arrive at 7 am and i iddn't want to be woken.
Boyfriend did not ask me to set the alarm clock like a normal work day and slept until 1.30 pm.

Then, he crashed in front of the tele until 6.00 pm and decided to open his mobile phone.

There were messages, hysterical messages from his client, because he could not be reached.

Guess what ?

He said it was entirely my fault for various reasons and tells me i want his business to down down the drain.

When HE does something, i am faulty.

That's who he is.

CHANGE OF PLANS.

Here is why i wasn't doubtful about the mum thing, i received this email from her this afternoon ( wednesday) and i will try to translate as best i can :

"
Your grandfather, who is a lot more lucid than i am because less close to you, has, last night, surprised me with his reaction.

He said he could not live with a young women and a baby in the house as he will soon be 80 years old and could not tolerate it.

He also told me to be careful to not spoil the fragile equilibrium of my own life because i don't own enough money to pay for other people and i will soon be 60 years old.

The life i lead with your father was hard enough so that i think twice about what i do.


Mum

"



( who obviously forgot i could benefeciate from some forms of benefit until i have the baby and then find work, like everyone, as a secretary or assistant, like i did in france)..



Yesterday, i had my hopes up, i thought " maybe this shit is over" but i knew mum and really really hoped she wouldn't serve me some bullshit, but it seems she is, again, trying to find a way to run out of maternal " obligations".

No worries, i am used to it.

I am just back to where i was. :'(

Huh? ??? So now you're staying

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

No, now, i am desperate and don't know where to go, because my family has let me down, once more.

I don't want to stay with the baby's dad, i have to find an option, but my family would have been quick, 6 weeks at the most. Now, that's gone down the drain.

Do you have any cousins or siblings you could live with?
Those things your grandfather said weren't nice at all, my grandads are both dead though and I miss them

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Not that i think so, no, 1 is between canada and france all the time, another is in roma and has no space, the other travels around the world with her husband and kids and is utterly selfish and paranoid, the other is always in countries at war or famines with a charity, the other two are past 50 years old and i don't even know where they are.

As for the english side, one cousin is 21 and travels with his band all the time and the other is 6 years old in australia.

My two french aunts are about 75 years old ( my dad was a baby brother, 20 years younger), one is MAD, the other tries to get better from her second stomach cancer.

My english uncles and aunts ( mother sister and brothers) , well, one is in australia, one lives with friends because they are all divorced and is too " light" for that sort of " deep", and my aunt is so selfish that she doesn't accept her new man's little boy, so i can't expet her to do charity for her own family.

Oh, and i saved the best for last :

My brother :

He hasn't got the " time" he says.

Since my english grandmother was an ANGEL,  the only explanation as to why her kids are so fucked up is in front of my eyes now.

GRANDAD !

I don't know where i'll be or how, but i do know one thing, MY kid will never EVER turn out like them and my baby will be a LOVED kid. :rant: :rant: :rant:

sound familiar..

Does it ? :-[

You got my pm?

Yeah..I just didn't know you'd be reminded of your own anger, i hope i don"t give you too much pain through my own shit..Sorry.

Don't worry about it :)

I do, i only have to close my eyes to remember, so i don't want it to be as painful and vivid for others.

Anyway, i do feel for you as you know and i know where we both come from then.

Is your boyfriend or the other guy bisexual?

I only know what i'm told, so if i'm told by him he is hetero, i could only buy that for 5 years. Now, i do have reasonable doubts; maybe he's bi ?

AS for the other guy, he is very effeminate and me as well as the clients find him "embarassing"( over the top in his poses) and all i know about him is that he abandonned his son's mother when she was pregnant and didn't sue the nanny who almost killed their son because he believes she will be punished in her karma ( fucking idiot) !

This must certainly be difficult ot deal with.  It's not every woman that can turn a man gay.  From personal experience you must be doing something very wrong to have done this!  No woman has ever made me feel like this maybe the questions should be turned inward versus outward.

To be very honest, all gay men i know have been from the start.

I don't believe one can be turned " into" something, you either are, or you're not.

In paris, there is an area full of bars, resturants and most have " back rooms" but they are all for gay people.
You can't even imagine how many men xear wedding bands !

I think a lof of gay men, even in a country as open minded as france, are whimps who don't want to publically admit their gayness.

So they use women.

Yep, to buy thermselves a credibility in front of work people, in front of family who didn't understand why they had no girlfriend, etc....

Also, from my very own personal experience, i'd say i have more the tendency to....turn men into....tigers
 :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

Oh, and i was asked in mariage by 5 men in my life, i can't be " that"' bad.. :hihi: ;)

this is off topic, but what if a mans first time would be extremely traumatic and painful, could it be he'd be turned gay?

Well, most men who turn gay for reasons other than BEING gay are because of a domineering mother or because they were sexually abused or both.

Most reasons of whys to people are in childhood, not in their adult years.

Now, if a man's first time was " that" traumatic, i'd say the man isn't gay, just unable to face himself and trying to find an escape route to his fears. But fears run after you faster than you know and always end up biting back.

Learnt that lately.

wait jessica, just want to know so im clerified on all this. are you married to this guy?

Does it matter?

Well, just as if..

We have been together for 5 and a half years, live a marital life and i gave all i had just as if i had been married.

Why ?

Because it would be even worse if you were married, you'd be stuck with someone who's treating you wrong for the rest of your life

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

Well I think that not also is treating to you bad, but its also bad for business I mean you lost a client because of this fredderic dude?? I dont think thats good news  :no:

wat did ur boyfriend say wen u told him u wer goin to ur mums an watd he say wen u told him u wernt anymore? how long hve u been pregnant? does ur boyfriend even care bout the baby?
I really feel for u an your story makes me realise how lucky i am to have a loving family an friends.
But no matter how bad things get, dont give up, you'll always have friends here. i know it probly doesnt sound that good wen ur in ur position to have friends u've never met but a person still needs friends no matter what the circumstances, an im sure i speak for all of us wen i say that we'll always be here to listen an care.

Yes Jessica I couldn't have put it better than Cubb myself, you've got friends here? : ok:

Are you still with him by the way I still think you should get away from him as soon as possible. If you go to England and turn up at your mothers door I'm sure she'd let you stay.

 :smoking: Izzy? :smoking:

just wanted to know cuz im reading your story and i was confused if it was your boyfriend or husband.